Saying goodbye

 It's never easy, saying goodbye for the last time. My little Buster came to me when I was at a low point in my life. I had just lost my favorite auntie. She was more like a sister and friend rolled into one. Buster seemed to come out if nowhere, appearing on my back porch. I remember the first night he was with us...it rained and thundered. He shivered in fear, so I laid next to him, rubbing his chest to calm him down. It still works today...I lay him across my thigh and caress his chest and neck to comfort him. He has been battling heart failure and it has recently become worse...swollen legs, paws and chest. Labored breathing. Wet cough. When he refused to eat his normal amount of food, I knew it was time. The brightness is gone from his eyes. He has a look of, "Please help me" on his face. We're lucky to see a few wiggles from his now quiet tail that once was so active and full of life. He no longer asks to be let outside. No longer interested in playing with his sister. She knows something is different. She approaches him cautiously and gently licks his face. As much as we would love to have more time, we know it's time to let him rest his body and free his soul. I told him it's okay to leave us...it's time to be free and to find Pappa Mark to play and be happy.

49 things I appreciate (as I turn 49)

1. My sense of humor.

2. The unconditional love I have with my husband.

3. Living super close to my mom.

4. Enjoying the life I have.

5. Being treated like family by my "employers".

6. My canine kids.

7. Having a small family.

8. Accepting who I am.

9. Knowing who my true friends are.

10. The ability to laugh at myself.

11. Living where I grew up.

12. Not having rent/mortgage.

13. Knowing how to cook from scratch.

14. Raising Monarch butterflies.

15. Finding love again.

16. Inheriting my mom's craftiness.

17. Inheriting my dad's tech/mechanical skills.

18. Having had the opportunity to take care of my family.

19. Being next to Mark when he took his last breath.

20. The opportunity to continue my education.

21. Having a step daughter who treats me like mom.

22. Learning to let go.

23. Staying in touch with those I love.

24. Honesty.

25. Knowing the best is yet to come.

26. Loyalty.

27. Having a home craft studio all to myself.

28. Gardening.

29. Being in a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

30. De-stressing my life.

31. Putting myself first for a change.

32. A well stocked fridge.

33. A well stocked craft room.

34. The ability to grow my own food (when the season allows).

35. Having friends all over the States and the world.

36. A second and third "family".

37. Friends who check in.

38. Having friends to check in on.

39. A creative mind.

30. People who can make me laugh.

31. Hockey...a sport that actually interests me.

31. A nice, sexy bearded man.

32. Anyone who is true to their words.

33. Children that are polite and appreciative.

34. Adults who are polite and appreciative.

35. Canned apricots. Seriously, can't get enough of them.

36. Free speech.

37. Nature.

38. Living my best life.

39. Having a man who can fix things...my car, computer, house, etc.

40. People who enjoy and appreciate my cooking.

41. People who don't bullshit.

42.  Finding new ways to explore life.

43.  Losing weight, slowly and healthy.

44. Having passion.

45. Being open minded.

46. Knees that don't cause me constant pain.

47. Being good to others.

48. Letting others be good to me.

49. Looking forward the to my future.

Be kind...

I've been a caregiver for the same elder for almost 2 years. It has been a learning experience and I feel my "client" and I both benefit from the situation. I am grateful to have a job and feel closeness to this family. I enjoy interacting with them and I know in my heart I am appreciated, at least by the husband and wife. It may be a cultural thing, but my client has a funny way of asking for things. He doesn't ask...he tells you what he wants. He will say, "You can get me a tissue. You can bring me the newspaper. You may help me stand up." He has never asked for something like most people do. Until today...for some strange reason. I was just talking to Dave about how my paternal grandmother (who I cared for the last years of her life) used to make me feel so unappreciated. She was mean, no other way to put it. She would tell everyone around her "thank you" and "please" except for me. I'm really not sure why, but I just know it really hurt my feelings and it made me not want to do things for her. But I did, because I promised my grandfather I would take care of her AND I LOVED HER. Anyway, my client asked me to do things for him today. I was assisting him into the shower and he said, "Could you please hand me the shampoo?" And then, "Could you please dry my back?" And I even got a few thank yous during the showering process. It was nice. It felt good. It made me feel appreciated and valued as a caregiver. It was something so simple and kind...and I loved it. A small act that shows respect and appreciation can mean so much to the person receiving it. So please, be kind...to everyone.

47

According to my driver's license and birth certificate (and mom), today I turn 47. Funny, I don't feel like I'm in my 40s. Some say I don't look like I'm in my 40s either (thank you!). Once we turn 18, and then 21...birthdays don't seem to hold their importance. Maybe 50 will be different, we'll see. As I sit and reflect on my life so far, I've come to realize how things balance themselves out over a lifetime. I had a happy childhood. We never went without anything we needed or most of our wants. We lived a simple, humble life. My mom was a stay home mom for the most part. She blessed me with my youthful looks, love of crafting and gardening. She taught me to be considerate, kind and loving. My dad was hardworking. He blessed me with my sense of humor, technical curiosity and skills. He taught me how to appreciate music and delicious food. Although my only sibling and I fought a lot, he has grown to be a kind and generous person. I know he is always there for me, and me for him. My grandparents were always around and I feel fortunate to have grown to adulthood having them in my life and ultimately taking care of them in their late years. There have been accomplishments and failures, but all have taught me important life lessons. Graduating high school was a milestone. So was graduation from community college. I regret not finishing design school (I planned on becoming an interior designer), but after losing my dad...had I not gone into the funeral/mortuary business, I never would have met many dear friends and my husband Mark. And though I've lost many dear loved ones in my life...my dad, grandmas and grandpa, aunties, friends and my loving husband, I have been fortunate enough to have many special friends in my life and of course, Dave. At one time, according to pregnancy tests, I thought I was expecting...but it was false positives. I am lucky to be "Auntie Jenn" to some wonderful kids. And to Dave's kids, I will always be known as "Jenna...like a mom", to which I am proud to say is one of my greatest titles. I have been able to spend my life helping others and I feel really good about my life's work. There are still many things I hope to accomplish in my work lifetime. This past year has been one of personal growth, relationship strengthening and creative output. I hope to continue with all of them and more!

Compassion and love...

Over the last 6 months, Dave and I have been working for a family as caregivers to a stroke recovery patient. He is 81 years old and we started with him the week after his stroke. Little did we know that a simple part time job I applied for would turn into meeting people what have changed our lives. I signed up with an agency for caregivers in the Los Angeles area. I received a text that a particular family was interested in meeting with me. I visited the home (a quick 7 minute drive from home) and met with the husband, wife and their daughter. I immediately felt a bond with them. I could tell they were scared for what the future held for them. Dad was unable to get out of bed. Although his speech was not hindered, he had many physical issues. Within an hour of meeting them, they wanted to hire me. The problem was they wanted full time hours and I was only able to give part time due to my financial aid and my potential class schedule. They asked if I knew anyone who could help out. I said, "Yes! My boyfriend Dave has care giving experience!" They met with him the next day and we were hired! I has been an amazing journey. Our client is now walking without the assistance of devices. His love of golf has triggered a spark in him, as we practice putting regularly as a treat. It is amazing to see his physical "inabilities" disappear when he stands and concentrates on hitting the ball. You'd never know he is a stroke recovery patient! Dave and I have taken the role of physical therapists as well. I sit in on sessions once every 2 weeks and replicate the exercises with him daily. We take walks together, attempting to increase the length and difficulty each time. Dave does an amazing job with strength building and stretching exercises. I have used my personal experience of carpal tunnel surgery recovery from years ago to come up with exercises that are fun and interesting. He has even been able to write his name legibly with his affected hand, something he is beyond thrilled about. Dave and I share technology information with him...showing him YouTube videos on our phones. He cried when I played him a video of his favorite Indian performer Ravi Shankar play the sitar with his daughter, something he hadn't heard in years. Our client has taught us so many things in return. I have learned about Indian culture. He was a professor at USC and enjoys conversations about culture, religion and politics. He inspires both of us with his courage and determination to overcome his stroke injuries and try to live a "normal" life. The dedication his wife shows by her patience and love is inspiring as well. It reminds me of my days of taking care of Mark and my grandparents. By showing compassion and love to this client, who feels more like family now, Dave and I have learned to be more patient, understanding and kind. We have been gifted with love and gratitude in return from this family. I feel blessed and honored to be in a position to help someone who truly appreciates what we do. It makes this "job" feel like doing what comes natural to both of us.

Missing you...

Today, as with all days, I miss you. I miss the laughter and silliness we shared. The way you'd surprise me by fixing something I thought was a goner. The meals out and the "stay in for the nights" at home. The road trips to visit your Aunt and Grandma. The weekends raiding thrift store and yard sales for treasures. The cool music we both loved. The "weird" music you loved but I just didn't get. Our shared love for horror and the macabre. Our many trips to a cemetery to take pictures of celebrity graves and beautiful statues. Your tech savvy ways. Your failed attempts of making me pancakes or souffles. Your quiet strength. Your ticklish nature. The sincerity of your crooked smile. I miss your gentle hands. The chocolate Kisses you'd leave for me on my desk. The way you knew when I was having a bad day. Coming home to a warm bath and candle light waiting for me. I miss your courage. The amazing way you fought through your pain. The determination you had to disprove the doctors. Your stubbornness. The many scars that reminded me of your difficult life. I miss all the bad times, as much as I miss the good times. The late night runs to the ER when we didn't know what was wrong. The long waits at the doctors' office when we made the best of a bad situation...watching Jerry Springer and playing games on our phones. The nights in the hospital, when we'd stay up all night talking about what our future held for us and all the fears we shared. I even miss the last days I had with you. Talking about how you wanted your last days to be spent. Who you wanted to see, what you wanted to experience before you left us. I miss watching you sleep at night, wondering if it was the last time. The devastation I felt when you were gone, has subsided to the comfort of knowing your pain was gone. The quiet way you passed and the peace finally took over your face. I miss you my love, my friend, my dear. And I love you...forever.

Executive Order 9066

It is an ugly part of US history most people do not talk about. With the recent concern of the treatment of immigrants and the fate of our country's future, I felt the "writing bug" entice me to share part of my family's story. It was in 1949 when President Roosevelt signed the the order which sent Japanese-Americans to Internment camps. My grandparents, grand-aunt, father, aunt and other relatives were included in the group. We never discussed it while I was growing up. We never learned about it in school. All I truly remember hearing about it was when my family received checks for restitution. I don't even remember what the money was used for. My grandparents probably just invested it. My dad did not live to see the check. Ironically, my grandmother's brother had passed away and the check was in the family's mailbox when they returned home from his funeral. Living with and taking care of my grandparents for 5 years allowed me to hear small bits and pieces of their story. My grandmother said my aunt, who was just a baby, learned to walk and talk while in "camp". My dad would watch my grandmother scrub laundry on a washboard. He wanted to play with it and have fun. So, my grandfather purchased a small one for him. I have it hanging in my house today. My grand-aunt told me about the friends she made. There were happy stories and sad stories. One particular was one of fear and anger. My great-grandfather was with the family in camp. He was a Sunday school teacher at the Methodist church my family belonged to. While in camp, officials came and took him away in the middle of the night. No explanation was given. The officials suspected he was helping the enemy, Japan. He spoke very little English. For 5 days, my grandfather and the rest of the family feared for his safety. They and other friends wrote a letter to their pastor, asking for assistance in getting my great-grandfather released. The pastor responded by stating the church would not get involved. It was then my grandfather chose to let go of his faith in religion and our family stopped church ties. Thankfully, my great-grandfather was returned to the family, but it made a horrible impression that stayed with everyone forever. Both my grandparents spoke to me about all the things they had to sell and get rid of before being taken from their home. They could only take one suitcase and whatever they could carry. Somehow, my grandfather managed to take in a camera. We have some photos of my father as a young boy because of that camera. My grandfather told me about how he lied about having experience in farming and irrigation so he could leave camp to work on a farm part-time. He and friends he made in camp would take a bus or train to a nearby farm hear the camp Heart Mountain in Wyoming. He laughed and said, "We didn't know a god damned thing about irrigation. But we sure as hell learned!" I had asked my grandparents if they would ever want to visit the campsite or the Japanese Heritage Museum where they had a barrack on display. The answer was always, "No." Simply, yet stern. I never asked why, but knew in my heart there was so much feeling of shame and resentment for what happened to them. My father would grow up and serve in the US Army, despite how our government treated him and his family. And every year for Veterans' Day and Memorial Day, my grandfather would proudly display an American flag on our front porch. The resilience and respect he had amazed me. This was all part of my family heritage and my country's history. The concern and fear it may happen again brings this series of events back to the public's awareness and I just wanted to share our part.

My EastCoast Mom

Two nights ago, I logged on my social media and saw a post from my father in law...he wrote that he his wife and best friend had passed. My heart stopped. I re-read the post several times. I immediately text him to call me. He did. I hesitated to answer, trying to get myself together and brace myself for a hurtful conversation. He explained to me she had been sick since last fall. He described the illnesses she fought and how eventually, she lost her battle. I cried. I felt my heart break. A part of me wanted to crawl through the phone line and give my "dad" a hug. The pain and grief I had gone through for Mark was all coming back again. I told dad I was here for him and to call me if he needed anything. He told me he felt lost. All the habits of daily life were for two of them. Now, he would have to face them alone. The trips out to dinner. The visits to their "winter" house. Tending to the garden. Sitting and reading in the living room. I cried. It didn't seem fair for someone to lose their child and then lose their spouse.

I remembered the sadness and emptiness I felt the first night I slept alone in the house. The first time I had to refer to myself as "widowed" or had to refer to Mark as "deceased". It cut deep in my soul. I know dad will have to have many of those firsts. The hardest part was when I started to sort through Mark's belongings. What to keep. What to give away. It took months, years. I remember having David help me go through a few boxes last summer. I had to stop because I had a melt down when I opened a box and saw the Christmas stockings I had made with our names. There in big letters "Jenn" and "Mark". I can only imagine how difficult the holidays will be for dad.

Next phase was the guilt. I had backed off in my relationship with my in laws because I felt like I had lost them when I lost Mark. I was starting a new life, especially once I met David. I felt it would be hurtful to share that life with them. I kept in touch, but I was distant. Last year I had wondered why a holiday card only had a brief signature and no greeting. Why Mother's and Father's Day greetings were not acknowledged. Now I know why. They hadn't reached out. I hadn't reached out. No fault of one person or another. But now, I've lost the opportunity to say I love you to my East Coast Mom.

Doris was a wonderful woman. She was funny, spunky and feisty. She was the one who first referred to herself as East Coast Mom. She had a way to make you smile and laugh. The first time I met her, we instantly bonded. She shared stories about dad and Mark. She shared recipes, photos and made me feel like a daughter. On my wedding day, she jokingly told me she was cursing us with triplets. I told her I would make sure they were bratty when I sent them to her house. She immediately said, "My house has 4 corners to every room. One for each bratty kid and one for their mom!!" Her quick wit and charm were what made her a fun person to be around. She was a great cook and an avid gardener. She dedicated a lifetime of work as a nurse. She loved to read and shop. There were always stops at bookstores and shopping malls in our visits to Connecticut and South Carolina.

My hope is that she knew how much she meant to me. I will miss her smile that brightened up a room. Her contagious laugh that made everyone happy. Her insight she shared with me about men, marriage and life in general. Her love of her family and friends. I love you, Doris. Say hi to Mark for me. See you again, someday.

Finding her wings...

Her metamorphosis has been lifelong. Hiding from pain and heartache, she has missed opportunities to fly. Shyness and insecurities have prevented her from opening her beautiful wings to the world around her. She is ashamed of her scars from her past. She has yet to see the beauty she is told she possesses. She is delicate, paper thin and lacey. Her will to explore pushes her limits. Her need to float and soar are primal. She longs for the freedom from shelter and protection of others. Her taste and lust for the sweet nectar of love is vital for her survival. The promise of safety and love from a strong yet gentle rose is not enough. She is determined to find her true wings and fly...

I miss my pop...

I lost you 24 years ago today. It seems like it just happened. I remember the day so clearly...I came home from being out with friends. You went to lay down. Mom came home from being out at her best friend's house. Glen was at work. Mom and I decided to watch a movie...she fell asleep on the couch. I told her to go to bed, we'd finish watching the movie another time. She lazily walked to the bedroom where you were already asleep. I took my shower and went to bed. It was about 11:30pm. I remember hearing mom yell for me...her voice had fear in it. I ran to your bedroom and saw you holding your chest, trying to sit up. Mom told me to call an ambulance and helped you lay back down. It seemed like the seconds were minutes and the minutes were hours. I traded places with mom and put her on the phone so I could do CPR. You were laying on the bed, motionless. When I looked in your eyes, they were dilated and blank. You gasped a few times, but only exhaled. The operator walked me through breathing and chest compressions. I tried...but in my heart, I knew you were already gone. When the paramedics arrived, I tried to comfort mom. She was hysterical. We watched them inject you with needles. We watched the paddles charge and press on your chest, making your whole body convulse...but you didn't respond. My heart was slowly breaking. I remember following the ambulance to the hospital and waiting in a cold room until the doctor came to give us the news that we already knew. I remember calling Glen at work and having to tell him you were gone.

You always taught us to be fair. Not to judge people by the color of their skin or where they lived. You taught me to learn to take things apart and figure out why they didn't work or how they worked. You taught me to live each day like it's your last. You taught me to appreciate humor and laughter every day. You taught me how to drive. Through you and mom, I learned to love and the importance of family.

I hate that I've lived without you for over half my life now. I wanted you to be there to see me graduate from college. But because I lost you, I got into the funeral business and met Mark. I wanted you to walk me down the aisle when we got married. I wanted you to comfort me when I lost him to cancer. I wanted you to be there for mom when she lost her mom and sister. I wanted to be there for you when we lost auntie, grandpa and grandma. I want you to be here now, to meet David and his kids. To enjoy retirement and technology. The trips to Kathy and Phil's, barbecuing, Vegas, fixing computers and cars. Watching Morgan and Justin grow up into such great young men. See Glen get married to a wonderful woman.

In my heart, I know you are here. I think of you every day and I see so much of you in our family. I've fallen in love with two men in my life...both have so many qualities and traits that remind me of you. I miss you.

Special visit...

Last night, we spent the night celebrating my brother's birthday. It was me, Dave, my mom, sister in law and brother. It was an entertaining, delicious dinner spent at Bennihana's. It was a special evening...a rare time when we were all together. I know it made my mom very happy. 

We came home and were off to bed. It was a nice cool night...made falling asleep and staying asleep much easier in the midst of a warm summer weeks humidity and heat. When I woke up this morning, I had an overwhelming sense of peace, love and serenity...I had a special visit during my sleep. It was from Mark.

As I'm sure most of you know, I lost Mark (my husband) to cancer over 2 years ago. We had spent our last weeks together discussing his wishes and such. One thing we did agree on was that if he could, he would somehow let me know everything was ok when he was gone and went to wherever it is we all go when we leave this life.

I thought maybe my "sign" was when Buster recognized a familiar scent in the pick up truck when I opened up the cab months after Mark had passed. I thought it was all the monarch butterflies I had visiting my yard the summer after he passed (and every season since). We used to raise and release monarchs after catching caterpillars in the yard. I thought maybe meeting and falling in love with someone with very similar interests and mannerisms was a sign. But no. I got a visit instead.

So, what I remember is very vivid and fresh...like it is happening right now. I saw him and he looked good. He was healthy and happy. There was a great sense of peace and happiness in his face and body language. He was talkative, lively and his old self...the person I remember dating and falling in love with. He told me how wonderful everything was now...food tasted good. Colors were brighter and more beautiful. Feelings were stronger and more meaningful. I remember taking his hand, squeezing it, and suddenly everything felt right. 

He was at our house and sat and played with the dogs. He commented how they looked grown up now. He smiled when they wagged their tails. He said he was happy and in a good place. I told him I was happy with my life, missed him, loved him and thought of him often. I can't recall everything we talked about, but it was positive. He didn't stay long, but it was enough. We said what we needed to say, hugged and I woke up. 

The reason I share these stories with the people I love and care about is because I know from my experiences in life how difficult it is to lose someone we love. But if you love with all your heart, tell people you love how you feel when the opportunity is there...you will not have regrets. Life is short, live it while you can and make it a good life.

Doctor Visit

So, I had a doctor visit today for a physical/follow up....should've been done a while ago, but life happens and I had to postpone. I went into it knowing I was going to hear the dreaded lecture..."You need to lose weight. Your numbers are up. We need to do something." And yes, I heard it all today. My doctor is cool...he tries not to nag. He is straightforward and does his "lecturing" in a caring, nurturing way. His comments were, "I don't want you to feel like I'm angry and lecturing you...I want you to feel my compassion and love as a human being that cares." My sugar levels are up. My weight has not gone down, although I have been exercising and trying to watch my diet. My blood pressure is not within "ideal" range, although it has gone down significantly. So here is what happened...my doctor is recommending bariatric sleeve surgery...reduction in stomach size and reshaping what's left.
The pros? Significant weight loss...reversal of diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol elevation. Boosts in energy levels and general well being. Higher sex drive and feelings of happiness (endorphine boosts). New clothes!
The cons? Risks involved with any surgery. Major change in lifestyle. Nutritional supplements probably for life. No NSAIDS for pain management.
I've never had surgery, with the exception of my carpal tunnel surgery. It's scary and uncomfortable to think about. I've been told it would be a 2-3 day stay in the hospital and a 2-3week recovery. There are support groups for emotional support and of course a bunch of follow up visits with the doctor(s).
So, in blogging about it, I guess what I want/need is feedback/support from my friends and loved ones. I think I'm ready to tell my doctor, let's do this...put in the referral. Thoughts?

Rock Star Super Hero

Several months ago, a couple girlfriends and I were out for lunch and museum visiting. Out of no where, my dear friend announced, "So, I might have breast cancer..." She was so straightforward and matter of fact about it, which is something I really love about her. Before bombarding her with questions, she explained the whats, whens and ifs. She already had a plan without knowing yet if it was cancer. In the following weeks we found out it was cancer. I hate the word...so many emotions and memories of Mark's fight. I knew my friend would fight it...quiet and gracefully. She decided to go full attack and remove both of her breasts, a difficult decision I'm sure. She wanted to make sure cancer would not be in her future. Surgery came and went...hopeful news that it appeared not to have spread. Reconstructive surgery brought on difficulties including pain and an infection that resulted in a short hospital stay. Visiting my friend at home was a joy...we brought goodies galore a mix of savory, sweet and salty. We feasted on delicious treats. She had cut her hair...she decided if she was going to lose it, which was anticipated, it would be short hair, not long hair. The pixie cut was so cute on her...I wish I could pull of the style myself! Her medical team decided on 4 chemo rounds, not unheard of for patients who are considered "not" having cancer. It's a form of insurance. Her first round was surprising easy...a little tiredness, but overall, very few side effects. I was happy for her...remembering all the nasty side effects my loved ones had experienced. We met for lunch and had a good long chat about what was going on in our present and what we hoped for our futures. It was good, quality time spent with a special friend. Today, I messaged her to find out how things were going. She had her second round Monday and was tired and weak. Also, she took the next step and buzzed her hair off...
She even let her brother give her a faux-hawk type cut before it all went. Of course, it was captured in a photo, which she shared with me for a laugh. It was so great to see that beautiful smile on her face. I knew she was good, as long as she smiled. She said, "Gotta have a sense of humor about this!" I love my friend, I don't think I say it enough to any of my dear, sweet friends. She is a Rock Star and Superhero rolled into one. She is going to kick cancer's ass and rock some short hair styles like a Diva. And to all my friends, I love you...I really do! :)

The joys of getting older...

Ah, the joys of getting older! I can feel arthritis beginning to settle into my elbows and knees. My a tolerance for certain foods and drinks have diminished...I cannot drink alcohol or milk the way I could in my younger years...speaking of beverages, I think my bladder has shrunken. Nowadays, when I have to go, I have to GO NOW!! My boyfriend has noticed sleep patterns that have probably been present for years, just unnoticed on my own...this has lead to me getting a referral to the sleep center for a Sleep Apnea test in December. I get to be at the hospital I was born at 43 years ago on my birthday!! Yay! At 6:30 in the friggin morning...double YAY! A tooth, my wisdom tooth, cracked and broke during dinner the other night...having that fixed next week. My pre-menopause has been causing sever hot flashes resulting in me stewing in my own sweat at work, at the gym, walking to the car, out shopping....basically anything that causes me to move an inch or two. And my gray hairs are coming in faster than ever, making it almost impossible to keep up with coloring my hair. I used to be able to go 6-8 weeks between colorings. Now it seems more like 3-5 weeks. But alas, I am happy and this is one of the best times of my life. I'm in love, I have a fun part-time job, my house is MY home, the weather is cooling down to sweater/boots weather (yay!) and life is good.

Happy

In recent weeks, I've had several people tell me the same thing..."You look happy." And though I feel like I've been happy for quite a while in my life, I had to stop and think why others have noticed it. I truly believe that your inner feelings show on your face, your actions and can be heard in your tone. So, maybe I've had more happiness in my life lately and I can no longer contain it? I'm not sure. But I do know it makes me even happier to know that my happiness shows and others, especially my mom and close friends, can tell. I've always taken the notion, "Screw what other people think" as a personal motto. But in this case, I'm glad other people think I look happy, because I am. I am happy because I have a lovely home to call my own. I have a wonderful (although small) family and supportive, loving circle of friends I call family. I have a great guy in my life who adores me and makes me feel like I'm the most special person in the world (or at least his world). I have two canine kids that give me all the unconditional love anyone could ever want. I have a job that I love...for the first time in such a long time, I feel good about what I accomplish in a day's work. And even though I hate dumb customers that bother me with questions...and yes, there are such things as dumb questions, the sore feet at the end of the day are worth it.  I have creative freedom and a boss who respects and admires my work. Not many people can say that. And I'm getting happier with me...myself. I love that I have someone who loves me exactly how I am. But for me, I'm trying to get back on track with my diet and exercise. I love summer time because of all the fruits and veggies available, especially from my backyard. The grape vines have been productive and the taste of vine ripened fresh picked grapes is unbelievable. I've been attempting to drink my fill of water everyday, usually with sliced cucumber, ginger and mint leaves. David commented the other day, "This is delicious. How the hell do you do it? Take something perfect like ice cold water and make it even better? Amazing." My love of cooking has been encouraged by someone who loves food/eating ;) And I have a partner in crime to do mystery shopping dinners once again. More fun!! Craft boutique season is approaching soon, so I will start the holiday crafting and open up my Santa's workshop. Mom and I have decided to do every show we can this year and plan on doing one at the house again too. So with this blog entry, I'm sending you a smile and happy thoughts. Be happy!

Busy busy busy...

Oh what a month April and May have been! It has been super busy for me...like, crazy busy!! April kicked off the spring gardening season. Veggie seedlings were planted and roses...so many roses...large and mini. The rose garden is so gorgeous (I have several now). The grapevines sprouted their first clusters of little grapes that have now developed into almost full sized grapes. I cannot wait to taste the first bunch...Mark would be so proud. There are zucchini, green beans, tomatoes galore, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, cucumbers and bell peppers. This year I've added many basil plants, oregano and several hot chili varieties for David (the boyfriend) to enjoy...ghost peppers and habaneros. The dogs kept me busy with chasing lizards, birds and cats through the yard. One particular fight in the beginning of April lead to me breaking up a scuffle between Buster and a neighborhood stray cat. I ended up with gauges on my arm and hands, Buster got a few scratches on his chest and legs, Saydee got a ringside seat to view it all and I'm not sure what ended up happening to the cat. I suffered through a spring cold in mid April, thanks to the boyfriend. He ended up with strep throat, so just a cold was just fine with me. I got to get together with my girls for dinner one night and caught up with a few other friends here and there. I started Chi Gong classes (a mixture of Tai Chi and meditation/stretching exercises. Feels weird being the youngest one in class, average age is about 60, but I am enjoying it and looking forward to taking a Yoga class in the near future. Mom and I did a last minute craft boutique at our Curves gym. It was a lot of rushing to get craft items done, but worth the time and effort. We brought in a total of almost $200 together. Plus it gave us some daughter/mother bonding time. I was able to devote most of my Saturdays getting to know David better and spending quality time with him. He makes me quite happy :) Mom and I were able to get out to the graves for Mother's Day weekend and we celebrated together at my house the day after, with a home cooked dinner waiting for her when she got out of work. I've had the pleasure of being on call for Jury Duty (haven't had to report yet). Not knowing your schedule for the following day until 5pm at night kinda sucks, but I've managed to find things to do to keep me busy, like writing, filling out job applications and getting the house cleaned up for guests (my cousins) coming in from Denver for Glen and Janine's wedding. I've been asked to do name place cards and table number signs for the reception, which will keep me busy during the coming week. The wedding date is almost here and I'm really looking forward to a beautiful day with family, everyone getting to meet David, and sharing the special day with them all. I'm hoping a road trip will be in the plans for June or July, maybe camping someplace local too. Not to mention enjoying all the harvests from the veggie and fruit garden! :D

My heart....

A year ago, April 19th, 2013, I lost the love of my life/husband/best friend to an extensive battle with cancer. It was a long, hard fight...longer than we expected being originally given a 2 year life expectancy...but Mark was a fighter...stubborn and determined. He refused to give up. The 3 1/2 year challenge we faced together brought us closer, in a way I never thought possible. I became a nurse, advocate, chauffeur, personal shopper, chef, accountant and guardian all rolled into one. The last few weeks of quality life we had together were wonderful. We talked about what we loved about the life we shared....what we hated...what we hoped for the immediate future and what we feared. My fondest memories were the times we traveled, laughed and loved. The worst were the times we struggled financially, were faced with fertility issues and dealt with loss. My hopes for the future were to see my love out of pain and home from the hospital, which is ultimately what we got. My greatest fear  was being alone in the world. Mark reassured me I would never truly be alone. He promised he would always be watching over me if he could. He told me when I was ready, to date and be happy...and find love again. He confided in my best friend, a day before he died, that he was happy with the life he had lived...even with the negatives. He said, "I had a good life." The last year has been one of so many ups and downs for me. There were days I did not want to get out of bed. There were hours spent crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I am thankful those days are in the past. I spend most days happy now. I smile and find joy in the little things that make life special. I started writing again. I fulfill my passion for gardening and cooking. I have discovered an adventurous side of me I  did not know existed. I have embraced who I am for the first time in my life. I have met new people and made new friends from all different walks of life. I have dated and put myself out there in the world. And I have learned that I'm not alone and never will be alone. There is a place in my heart that will always belong to Mark. And the rest is for me...to protect or to share with those I trust. I am experiencing life again and know what I want from it. I am happy with who I am and proud of my little piece of the earth I call my home. I fall more in love with myself on a daily basis...and I feel fortunate to have had a wonderful marriage/life with a man who taught me to see life as good, even when it's bad. To appreciate the little things that make you happy, no matter how meaningless they may seem. To tell the ones you care about how you feel, when you have the opportunity because you never know when your opportunities will all be gone. To love those around you and be happy with just being alive. I miss you, Mark. I think about you every day and know I'm a better person because I had you in my life to teach and guide me.

Write.

With the encouragement of several new friends, all some type of writers, I have started putting together a book about my adventures. I have chapter titles, an almost completed intro and title. It's been a while since I was excited about a project I was working on, but this one is really near and dear to my heart. Perhaps it will only become an extended blog, but I am writing and I am loving it. It feels great to get emotions out into words. To be able to read them back and share my thoughts with someone. It can be the simplest thing that inspires me to get to work, but it's usually one of my writer friends asking, "What did you work on today?" The "peer pressure" and encouragement is amazing. And kind words from strangers when I post short stories or excerpts is the most flattering compliment one can receive. Some days, I sit at my desktop and I cannot think of a single sentence to write. Other days, there are words forming thoughts and sentences in my head so quickly, I have trouble getting them down on paper fast enough. Then in the middle of the night, I'll have an explosion of thoughts and have to get up to write. And I seem to only be able to do productive writing if there is music or television on in the background...multitasking ;) The worst is when I'm stuck in traffic and my brain tells me, "Oooh!! Let's write about...." I'm now in the habit of carrying notecards or pads of paper and pen with me everywhere I go...in my purse, my gym bag, the car. My goal is to have things complete by the end of summer. I am hopeful I'll have landed at least a part time job by then, so I'll have less free time to do writing and editing. And I know some of what I write will offend some. Most will find the humor in it. If you've heard some of my stories about online dating, you will appreciate the details and possible photos (with faces blurred out of course). It just seems like it's been a whole lifetime I've lived in the past several months. Oh, such a learning experience it has been! But alas, there have been several wonderful people I have become friends with...a few a little more than friends, which I am so grateful to have in my life. And the singles group I have recently joined is an adventure all on its own that will fill many chapters! My attitude lately has been, "Don't ask questions you really don't want to hear the answers to and don't read what I write if you are easily offended/turned off...don't...just don't." I am blessed to have loving friends who "get it" and support me. I love you guys!...you know who you are ;) I love getting texts from a particular writer friend I'm sort of seeing...he asks, "So, what are the weirdoes in cyber world bothering you with today?" The biggest critics/haters are always the ones who are unhappy with what they've got going on in their lives...or don't have. Life is too short. Do stuff that will make you happy!!

I love it when....

I love it when I wake up in the morning with nothing planned and I get an unexpected phone call from someone anxious to see me and catch up on life. I love it when I feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in someone's arms, without a care in the world and they fall asleep holding me. I love it when someone smiles when they take the first bite of a meal I've prepared for them or they let out a sigh of contentment as they finish it. I love it when I wake up to messages asking how I slept and wishing me a wonderful day. And the goodnight conversations wishing me sweet dreams just as I fall asleep. I love it when I find time to say or do something to let someone know I care. And when gratitude is shown back to me in a kind gesture or words. I love it when someone is shocked that I remember a simple little detail about what's going on in their life. And when I see the smile on their face when they excitedly tell me all about it. I love it when I find someone I trust whole heartedly with myself, completely. And when that person opens up to me and proves they trust me in return, after telling me they rarely trust at all. I love it when someone tells me I'm beautiful, even if it's just in their eyes. And I feel the sincerity and believe them. I love it when a dear friend stops by to cheer me up when I'm having a bad day/week. And we sit and chat, ending up laughing til our bellies ache and tears are rolling down our cheeks. I love it when a friend introduces you to their circle of friends and suddenly you have a new family who accepts and loves you like one of their own.  I love it when I look over at someone I care about and they're already looking at me. I love it when I'm thinking about someone random during the day. And then I get a text or call from that person telling me they were thinking about me. I love it when you chat with someone on-line or over the phone for weeks, getting to know them. And then you meet face to face and it's like running into an old friend you've known for years.  I love it when I get to spend quality time with someone I love. And we end up having the best time doing absolutely nothing, just being together. I love it when my canine kids snuggle next to me on the couch and they don't mind my cold feet. I love it when I put my heart and soul into a project and I finally get done, able to look upon something with pride and joy. I love it when spring arrives and I can sleep with the windows and doors open at night. And there is the delicate perfume of roses and jasmine in the air. I love it when the thoughts swirling in my head are able to get out through my keyboard or pen. And I can read those thoughts back, anytime I want. I love it when life is good. And it just keeps getting better.

45 things to let go of before your next birthday

This is NOT my own writing. It was compiled by someone I follow on-line...but I thought it was lovely and wanted to share it with you all. Enjoy!! 1. Let go of the baggage you know you need to leave behind. Be wiser and realize what you need and what you need to leave behind. 2. Let go what isn't helping your soul smile and grown. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. Follow your own path. Make yourself smile. 3. Let go of feeling like you aren't making progress fast enough. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you're still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying. 4. Let go of the idea that you have too much to lose. You won't regret the things you've done nearly as much as the things you didn't do when you had the chance. 5. Let go of worrying about everyone else's opinions of YOUR life. When writing the story of your life, don't let someone else hold the pen. 6. Let go of your tendency to avoid problems. You can never change what you refuse to confront. 7. Let go of all your empty complaints. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think/feel about it. 8. Let go of the excuses. If you really want something, you'll find a way. If you don't want it, you'll find an excuse. 9. Let go of making the same mistakes over and over. You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make that mistake, it's a choice. 10. Let go of the fantasy of perfection. If you want to be good at something, let go of the notion it has to be perfect. Replace it with the notion of endless, playful exploration. 11. Let go of believing the best is behind you. Your life isn't behind you; your memories are. Your life is always right here, right now. Seize it! Choose to let each of your experiences today be a gateway to an every better tomorrow. 12. Let go of thinking you should always get what you want. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 13. Let go of the notion that life is fair. If you expect the world to be fair, you're fooling yourself. That's like expecting a lion not to eat you because you didn't eat him. 14. let go of thinking others have it better than you. Truthfully, nobody has it easy; everybody has issues. If everybody threw their problems in a pile for you to see, you would likely grab yours back in a heartbeat. 15. let go of the expectations that are holding you back. The quality of your life is always 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it. 16. Let go of thinking there is a perfect time. You can't keep waiting for the perfect moment--it doesn't exist. You must dare to do it today because life is too short to wonder what could have been. 17. Let go of the need to always be comfortable. If you want to make an impact, big or small, get comfortable with being uncomfortable. All growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. 18. Let go of thinking you need to know everything first. You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward. Just do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better. 19. Let go of the "all or nothing" mentality. Appreciate the grey areas between success and failure - the journey and experience. Never let success get to your head or failure to get to your heart. 20. Let go of your mistakes. Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones. 21. Let go of excessive worrying. Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace and potential. Stop overthinking everything. Life is too short. 22. Let go of wanting stuff you don't need. Don't think of cost, think of value. Remember, it is always easier to find wealth by needing less instead of making more. 23. Let go of your ungrateful thoughts. Happiness never comes to those who don't appreciate what they have. So, be thankful today. Life is not perfect, it's just pretty darn good! 24. Let go of all your reasons to be unhappy. Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy. Focus on the things you do have and the reasons you should be happy. Positivity changes everything. 25. Let go of any hypocrisy. For instance, don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines. 26. Let go of the emotions that often get the best of you. Stay strong, even when if feels like things are falling apart. Take control of your emotions before they take control of you. 27. Let go of your temper. Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset. 28. Let go of ugly words. Saying someone is ugly does not make you any prettier. 29. Let go of your superficial judgments. We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer. 30. Let go of trying to change others. For the most part, you can't change people and you shouldn't try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to live without them. 31. Let go of being "too busy" to show your love. Loyalty is hard to find. Trust is easy to lose. Actions speak louder than words. Tell your loved ones you love them every day, and prove it. 32. Let go of one-sided relationships. If someone truly cares about you, they won't make you feel like you need to constantly fight for their attention. 33. Let go of those who have never been there for you. Remember, it's during the toughest times of your life that you'll get to see the true colors of the people who say they care about you. 34. Let go of negative influences. You can't expect to feel good if you surround yourself with negativity. Be with those who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you. 35. Let go of ALL the self-hate. Love yourself!! Forgive yourself!! Accept yourself!! 36. Let go of trying to be someone else. Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Someone will always be younger. But they will never be YOU. And that makes you awesome. 37. Let go of the things people say about you Try not to take things other people say about you too personally. What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you. 38. Let go of putting everyone else's needs in front of your own. Give as much as you can, but don't allow yourself to be used. Listen to others closely, but don't lose your own voice. 39. Let go of needing everyone to like you. Everyone doesn't need to like you. But remember, just because some people don't seem to care for you, doesn't mean you should forget about everyone else who does. 40. Let go of changing just to impress others. Don't ever change just to impress someone else. Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a brighter, happier future. 41. Let go of life's little annoyances. Don't let dumb things break your happiness. True wealth is the ability to experience and appreciate each moment for what it's worth. 42. Let go of yesterday. Don't let yesterday steal your present. Don't judge yourself by your past; you don't live there anymore. Let go, grow and move forward. 43. Let go of thinking that giving up means failure. Giving up and moving on are two very different things. 44. Let go of the idea that it's too late to start over. Remember, it's always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don't. 45. Let to of any lies you've heard that you aren't attractive enough. More women worldwide are suffering from anorexia and bulimia than are fighting breast cancer. Love yourself the way you are. You are already beautiful!