It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Fall is upon us and it is the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween, cooler weather, boots, shawls, sweaters, extra blankets, chili in sourdough bread bowls, Christmas craft boutiques and snuggles. I love this time of year because it always brings fond memories of the happiest moments of my past. The cooler weather means it is time to bring out a "new" wardrobe...Time to dust off the boots, long skirts, leggings, sweaters and shawls. I love layering and it is almost cold enough here in spoiled Los Angeles to wear them out. I get to show off the crochet scarves and shawls I've made over the years and possibly make some new ones. And cooler weather also means warmer foods...I love chili/chowder and stews! Time for new recipes, which have included potato leek soup and corn chowder. Crock pots are perfect for them...and the new kitchen has been a wonderful blessing...I've fed many friends and family members over the last month and half. I've loved every minute of it too! This is the time of year to spend with loved ones and share in the season of fun, thanks, sharing and love. I am hoping to get some baking down this season as well, persimmon cookies, the always necessary oatmeal chocolate chip and maybe some zucchini bread. It is also my favorite time of year because mom and I get to participate in craft boutiques and sell our creations. We have already participated in one, have one coming up this weekend, will hold one at my house soon and another two at our gym Curves. It is fun and flattering to share something I've made with an appreciative customer. And making extra spending money for the holiday season is always a good thing. This year mom is specializing in paper folded flowers, holiday ornaments and jewelry. I've crocheted ruffle scarves, made holiday ornaments and wine glass lanterns. It has been nice to spend quality time with mom at the boutiques, shopping for crafting supplies and enjoying time together. She has said many times in the recent weeks, "I am so happy with my life right now." I agree completely. Halloween dress up favorites from the past include The Evil Queen/Witch from Snow White, Day of the Dead Senorita, Transylvania Prom Queen, Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, Zombie Bride, and most recently Wonder Woman. For the first time in many years, I dressed up and spent Halloween out on a date...a lovely night out with a new friend. Andy, or Ogre as he is known, took me to see the black and white classic silent film Phantom of the Opera at the Disney Music Hall. It was fabulous! The grand pipe organ played music throughout the movie to add drama and romance. It was my first time seeing the movie and visiting the concert hall. It was more exciting for my date to see the thrill and excitement of everything being new to me than it was for him to see the actually movie. It was a memorable night which will hopefully be followed by many more with my new friend. Life is good and I only see things getting better.

All a girl wants...

I've been told many times in recent weeks that I need to write a book about my on-line dating adventures...the good, the bad and the ugly....we'll start with an entry to my blog ;) To say the least, it has been an adventure. I have been lied to, asked for money and iTunes account information, sent fake photos (thank goodness for reverse Google image search), sent photos of naughty parts, and solicited for sex many times from various parts of the country and world! On a good note, I have made a few friends that I have met in person, who will hopefully remain friends in my life. I've been contacted by every age, nationality and type you can think of. From 20 years old to 82...The younger ones seem to want just a bed buddy, asking for nudie pics within the first 5 minutes of chatting on-line. They are super eager to show you what they have to offer, so to speak. And the older ones just want a nurse to take care of them and their "needs". They claim to be "financially secure and physically able". It's disturbing what people think they can buy with money. So in my search for romance, I have been disappointed and deceived. So I wonder to myself, where are the truly great guys? The ones who like a woman for what she has to offer in personality, not physical features. The ones who respect a woman enough to get to know them before even thinking about sex. The ones who are romantic and want a future with someone...a real relationship, not just a quick meet up and roll in the sack. The ones who don't care if I have money in the bank or if I'm broke. The ones who know how to treat a woman and are willing to develop a friendship and true relationship. The ones who can handle some "junk in the trunk" :) Where are you? A favorite quote of mine is from Marilyn Monroe..."All a girl wants is for one man to prove to her they are not all the same." I was told by a friend that I'll have to kiss a lot of toads before I find my prince...It's getting tiring and frustrating kissing the toads....talking to the toads, weeding through the toads, having to Google the toads to figure out if the toads are even real...yuck. Is it really too much for a woman to expect to find someone who is respectful, fun, honest, hard working, passionate with a sense of humor? Someone who can carry on a conversation about most topics, make me laugh everyday, appreciate the things I do and look at me with loving eyes? I don't think so. I was told I am brave for continuing my search...which reminds me of another quote I love..."Sometimes you have to go out and look for Prince Charming because the poor fool might be lost." So, yes...I will continue to search. I'm smarter now and the experience has taught me a lot about trust and deception. But is has also been fun and entertaining. I know you're out there, Mr. Right...I just need to find you! :)

New Life

And so it begins, a new era of my life...my kitchen remodel is near complete. It has turned out beautifully and I cannot wait to start having people over. I have brand new laminate flooring in the entire kitchen, dining/living room and hallways. The entire house now has new copper pipes in and a tankless water heater...the difference is incredible! The water feels softer and cleaner, plus it heats up in a jiffy! New insulation in the attic has kept the house cooler on the hot August and September days we've had lately. My kitchen is equipped with a new 6 1/2'x4' island complete with storage cabinets, drawers, extended counter for barstools and stove top. I purchased a beautiful stainless steel and glass hood to go along with it. My black LG refrigerator and wall oven are in place, surrounded by cabinets and drawers to match my new granite sink counter and cabinets. The worker's oopsy of dropping the first piece of granite resulted in me getting a new bartop and laundry nook sink surround for installation only charges...couldn't let that beautiful granite go to waste! Altough everything ended up costing more than my original plan, it is all worth it when I see how beautfiul and spacious my kitchen/living room is. I've done a little bit of hosting to my mom and a few friends, but cannot wait for a huge get together! The doggies are happy to be able to be in the front part of the house again too. I have been trying my best to be healthier by going on hikes with my friend and eating cleaner. I've managed to drop a pant size and feel better about myself. I guess it shows because I've had a lot of compliments on photos and have been getting attention from the male of the species lately ;) One of the biggest ego boosts is having someone young enough to be my son ask if I want to go out with him...weird. I've become somewhat addicted to roasted veggies for dinner...usually going without meat or starch for a few days a week. My passion of cooking has been reserved since I didn't have access to my kitchen for over a month. I've made up for it the past couple days roasting a mixture of corn, green beans, carrots and brocolli. Tomorrow night I am having mom and a friend over for some pasta a scampi. Can't wait to get back in the swing of cooking again! With all the counter space and cabinet space...it's time to go shopping for new cooking supplies too!!

Renovataions

So, I am into week two of my home renovation...full kitchen remodel including demolition of a wall that separated the kitchen from the hall and dining room/living room. We are also tackling replacement of old galvanized pipes to copper throughout the house, replacing vintage, toxic insulation, replacing the monster old water heater with a tank-less one and all the other details in between. I will be getting new cabinets, pantries, laundry area, sink, cook top, granite counters and ceramic floor....recessed lighting...the whole shebang. I am so excited. Although it has become a much larger project than originally anticipated, it will be well worth the money, wait and effort. I have a great contractor (after a nightmare first few days with another guy) and his crew is awesome...

In addition to the kitchen renovation, I am also doing a life renovation. I have been taking the time to appreciate the life I currently have, rather than dwell on what I had or should've had. It's been great. I've been trying new things like a 3 mile hike once a week. Started walking and jogging on the treadmill...not every day, but most days. Been trying new foods and exploring my interest in wine. My garden will soon be getting transformed by taking out some trees and shrubs, and replacing them with more color and beauty. My friend Alberto helped me out by building a chain link dog kennel for Buster and Saydee so I can now leave them at home for extended time without having to worry.  I have booked two craft shows for the holiday season, so far. I am hoping for more so I can devote time to crafts, as soon as I unbury the craft room from all the kitchen "stuff".

I had the wonderful joy and pleasure of going up to San Francisco for my best friend's wedding. It was absolutely lovely. Everything about that day was perfection. We cooked, ate, drank, ate, drank...a true life celebration with people I love and adore. I got to attend the reception of another dear friend's wedding the following night...busy, busy, but so worth it!! Just to spend time with wonderful friends and my second families made me so happy and appreciative of being able to travel and celebrate life.

I have made a new wonderful friend who is teaching me to accept myself the way I am, for who I am and has helped me build my self confidence to a higher level. It is refreshing to have someone in my life that I haven't known for years...it is a fresh, new friendship, which is what I need right now. Getting to know someone is the best part of any relationship, friendship or romance. It gives you an opportunity to get to know yourself through someone else's eyes...parts of you that you may have forgotten about or misjudged over time. It is like a reboot for the soul.

Letting Go

Sorry if this is repeating what you might have read on Facebook....I was browsing Pinterest, as usual, and came across an amazing quote. I felt like the person who wrote it got into my head and heart and put my thoughts into words.

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear. It's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It's having an open mind and... confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It's learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's all about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon have again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It's realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path to set you free."

So, I sit here at the computer (wiping away the tears) as I contemplate what these words mean to me and how they make me feel. I have made many changes since Mark passed...the house is different. It is more "me" now, my little touches are in each room. Some of the pictures that were taken down for the memorial service were never put back up on the walls. Most of his things have been gone through and given to those I felt would appreciate them and make good use of them. But there are so many things around that will always remind everyone who enters my home of him. The patio shows his handy work, as does the yard. I had a contractor come by today to help redesign the kitchen. I asked him not to touch the laundry area sink because it is one of the first projects Mark completed when we moved into this house. His urn and the memorial lamp with dried flowers from his service are lovingly placed in what was once our bedroom. So, although I am going on with my life I have not forgotten the wonderful life we did share, but I have began to let go. And I have realized that letting to is not about forgetting. It's about accepting what is and was, and allowing yourself to grow and move on. And the words contained in the above quote truly express how I feel. I have been given the opportunity to pursue love and happiness...and I'm taking it. I have always been protective of my heart and weary of being hurt. But I learned from my life with Mark that even when you do feel safe and loved, life can still hurt your heart with the events it throws at you. And to sit back and let opportunities pass you because you fear that pain and heartache again isn't living. I am choosing to live my life, not be a spectator. I'm putting myself out there and taking the risk of being hurt in hopes that I have found a good man and will have that second chance of love and living a happy life. I will allow him a chance to win my heart and prove himself worthy of the love I have to give. Maybe I am a fool but you never know if you don't take that chance. Mark taught me that life is precious and too short to be safe and cautious all the time. What's the use of having time, material things and feelings if you don't share them all with someone? I will end this with another quote, one of my favorites of all time..."I'd rather have a life of 'Oh wells' than a life of 'What ifs'"

Congratulations, Jenn!

Congratulations, Jenn...you've just encountered your first scam artist on-line! A harsh life lesson was learned today....trust is something that has to be earned, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I was contacted by a "match" on-line. It was innocent enough...a nice looking guy, friendly and seemingly sweet. We chatted. It was nice. I looked him up on Facebook (like I usually do when I encounter someone new). He was there...what a pleasant surprise. I friended him and we proceeded to chat...and chat...and chat. It turned out to be on and off, an all day thing. We even agreed to chat in the morning, time difference and schedules permitting. He said he lived in Kentucky. So, I tell a few close friends...I got the warm hearted, "Oh, I hope this is a good guy and things work out." And, "I'm glad you're meeting people." All I wanted was to make a new friend...I have someone that I think might turn out to be something special. But thank goodness my dear friend, with his protective eyes always watching over me, looked over this guy's profile and said, "It looks fake." Something didn't seem right...so the paranoid Jenn began to worry...What do I do??? Voice of reason said do nothing right now...wait...chat tomorrow and see what happens. Voice of friends said, "Make him send you a picture so you know it's him." Paranoid Jenn, with some benefit of the doubt, decided to message him back on the dating site. Poof! To my horror, the profile was gone. GONE!! Again, I freak out. I try to get some sleep, but can't...worried. So I turn to my trusty old friend Google...thank goodness for Google...I love you, Google. I couldn't live without you, Google. Did I say I love you, Google? I Googled his name...a few hits to Facebook and a dating site...them BAMM!! A hit on "RomanceScam.com"...yes, that is a real website. Apparently, since 2009, some guy in Guyana or Nigeria is targeting dating sites, using a variety of "white boy"names and photos he is stealing from different sites. He gains the trust of ladies, romancing them and swooning them...only to eventually ask for money. And there are ladies dumb enough to send him money...money to help with his rent, hospital bills, tickets so he can come travel to be with them...whatever. So, I immediately went to Facebook, unfriended him, blocked him and reported him. Never did I ever think I would fall prey to something like this...thank goodness it was just my pride that was hurt. But a fair warning to everyone...be weary. I don't want to say "trust no one", but really...be careful. I like to think of myself as a bright person, but I started to get suckered into the whole "niceness" of this person. All I wanted was a new friend...silly me. I have wonderful friends that I am so lucky to have in my life. I've even found a few long lost friends on Facebook. I'm still hopeful that I HAVE found a good guy on-line. We shall see how things progress with him. :) At least I can laugh about it, right?

Thank you, dear friend...

I received a phone call this morning from a dear friend. And they reminded me about so much in life that I've either pushed aside or ignored lately in the midst of all my home removations, on-line chatting and so called "getting on with my life". The main message received is that no one can truly understand what I am and have been going through the last months and years of my life. July is a sucky month...what would have been my 14 anniversay is coming up...we had planned to renew our vows for our lucky 13th...but of course, because of health issues and family obligations, that did not happen. I can still remember our wedding day so clearly. I remember and can still feel all the excitement and joy that whole day held for me. July is also a month filled with life celebrations for so many friends and famly..anniversaries, birthdays. And when you don't have a significant other, well...it sucks. Although this is one of the most difficult phases of my life, it can and should be one of the most exciting and adventurous. And I don't need to be judged by others for what I do or how I act. I hear it in the voices or see it in the eyes when I tell someone I'm meeting people or have met someone online. I don't need you to tell me that "it's too soon" for me to search for companionship and love. They don't know what I'm feeling inside or have been feeling for the last 4 years. I'm experienced in life and love...I know what I want and I should feel free to go out and get it. And I don't need the attention of men out there who think they need to take care of me and protect me from the big scary world out there...And no, if you're married, I won't be your "little something on the side"...I may not be the bravest or smartest gal out there, but what I need is protection from scary guys like you!! And no, I don't need a man...I want a man...I want to share my life with someone. I'm not looking for a husband, a replacement for Mark. I'm looking for a friend who shares my interests and passions that can eventually become my companion. My dear friend reminded me I have been the one to experience so many of life's events first...I was the first to lose a parent...I was one of the first to get married...first and maybe only to struggle with fertility issues and disappointments...the first to get laid off from work..and now the first to lose a spouse to death, in addition to many other family members and friends. All of these things have made me a stronger person, but they have also made me afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Everyone tells me how they admire my strength and courage...well, deep inside I feel scared and insecure. But what I have decided is that now is my time...my dear friend said, "It's all about you right now. You don't answer to anyone. You do what you need to do." Thank you, my dear dear friend....for understanding me and having the courage to call me out on things and letting me know with a gentle yet stearn voice of reason that I do deserve to be happy. And thank you Mark...for loving me unconditionally and giving me your blessings to look for love again. So, if you are reading this, it is because you are a friend. And yes, I am interested in meeting a nice, decent guy...message me so we can discuss :)