So Long 2013,,,

So, it's time to say goodbye to another year.... 2013 was quite a year indeed. I learned many life lessons in the 12 months of 2013. Some I was not expecting or wanting, but others turned out to be life changing and wonderful. I learned to be kind and patient when dealing with the gravely ill. Nothing you do or say can make them feel better...sometimes silence or a mere, "I love you" is all they need. Just knowing you are there for them may be all the comfort and care needed to be at peace. I learned to be an advocate and stand up to doctors and nurses for the ones you love. They don't always know what's best. I've learned the true meaning of quality vs. quantity in life. Having all the time in the world doesn't always make for a happier life. I also learned it is not easy being on the "customer" end of planning a funeral...but it helps to have friends and years of experience in the business. I learned it's okay to show your weakness and frailty at your time of need to those that are willing to love and support you. I learned when you are at your lowest point in life, you truly learn who are the loves of your life and will do anything for you. I learned sometimes you have to be in the darkness for a long time to finally see the light in life and find your way out. I learned there are many benefits of having individual accounts versus joint accounts, even when married. I learned how to fight/demand the things that I am legally entitled to have. I learned how to transfer the title on a car and a house. I learned how to demand respect from people who think a single woman is easy prey to be victimized and taken advantage of in many different ways. I may be a girl, but I can still kick ass! I learned that despite all my fears and intimidations, I am able to be on my own and be happy...being alone doesn't have to mean loneliness, which can be a terrible feeling, but independence and finding the love within yourself can wipe it all away. I learned canine kids can be just as much a crazy, loving, frustrating, rewarding commitment as real kids. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. I became stronger as a person in the sense of standing up for myself and allowing myself to voice my feelings and desires. I learned I can be passionate and caring, despite some people thinking it is inappropriate for a recently widowed woman to be "back on the market". I've also learned to open myself up to being loved and adored...something I thought would take forever and a day to get to again. And I've learned to love another person with my whole heart again and not let my fear of loss and being hurt to overrule my desire to be loved and in love. And I also learned that sometimes you only find your TRUE self when someone else finds YOU.

All I want for Christmas

There is a lovely post floating around on Facebook reminding people that amidst the festive celebrations of the holidays, to take a moment to remember there are those who are not so happy this time of year....those who are less fortunate, grieving losses, or maybe have to be alone for the holidays. I will admit, I was not looking forward to the holiday season this year. They can be quite lonesome and depressing. I was happy to be on a date for Halloween, but disappointed when there was no follow up. I skipped the annual placing of poinsettia plants on the graves this year, leaving the duty to mom. I honestly wasn't in the mood to see all the names of loved ones carved in granite on the ground. Cemeteries really aren't my thing...at least not for paying respects to those long gone. I prefer to remember loved ones daily, in my heart...where flowers aren't necessary. Like every time I see a pretty piece of jewelry or handbag, I think of Auntie Hiroko. Or hear a motorcycle engine, I think of Mark. And when I hear a funny joke, I think of my pop. And every loss is a great one....whether it be a parent, spouse, child or friend. There is a deep connection that is suddenly cut off in your life. And it takes time to heal...longer for some than others. Love and support help, but I truly believe the person has to be ready to heal and move on. I have been fortunate to spend some quality time with friends in recent weeks...even having the joy of extended phone calls, texts and on-line chats with distant friends. And I have been blessed with meeting someone special and spending time getting to know him. I am learning to be happy and allow love in my life again. I am once again excited to celebrate the holidays with someone I care about...to share laughs, smiles and kisses. Although we won't be together on Christmas day, the spirit of the holiday is what matters most. My wish for Christmas is for everyone reading this to reach out to someone who might not be in a place to feel that love, excitement and joy the rest of us are blessed enough to have. Maybe a relative who would appreciate a visit. Or a friend who might need a quick chat and cup of coffee with someone. Or even a stranger on the streets who could use a jacket or blanket with colder weather in the forecast. It might even be your spouse or kid, who got yelled at for something silly...hugs and smiles go a long way this time of year.

42..

So...I'm 42. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about turning a year older...climbing higher into the 40s. But, I am fine with it. I must admit, I do not feel 42. I'm told I do not look 42 either. I was spoiled with many celebrations with many friends and loved ones, starting with an intimate dinner with my second family (with surprise cake and balloons), a gorgeous day out at the Getty Museum (including a picnic lunch), a fabulous dinner out to Roy's in Downtown L.A., a casual gathering at my dear friends' house (with roses and another surprise cake...this time ice cream cake), brunch with my gal pals, belated celebration lunch with mom, and I got to see my best friend several times during a brief visit from San Francisco. Not to mention multiple phone calls, cards, Facebook messages and well wishes from all over. I feel blessed and so loved to have so much to be thankful for in my life. It has been a most challenging year for me in many ways, but it has also been a year filled with new beginnings, self discovery, growth and change for the better. I do not remember the last time I felt so little stress in my life. I find myself smiling and laughing every day, which has taken a long time to get to. I appreciate each moment I spend with a friend or loved one. I find joy in the little things in life...like a sweet smelling rose, a perfectly ripened strawberry, a silly moment with the canine kids, or a gentle kiss from that someone I care so much about. Life has given me more than my share of lessons, heartaches and losses. I feel like I've experienced more in 10 years than most people do in their entire lifetime. But each event has made me stronger, more understanding, more loving and especially more appreciative of every thing and person I have in my life. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, old and new. I inherited my mom's zest for life, generosity, creativity and compassion. I inherited my dad's sense of humor, common sense, technical skills (some), and passion for cooking and helping others. My grandparents blessed me with financial intelligence, a house to call my home, gardening skills and proof that love can endure the test of time. My wonderful friends have given me the irreplaceable gift of love and support through thick and thin, not letting distances or life events make a dent in the bond we have with one another. They all give me something unique as individuals, but together...they make my life complete. And love has come back into my life, in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have been fortunate to make connections with different individuals who have made me learn to appreciate and love myself, see beauty when I look in the mirror, and allow myself to feel worthy of happiness and love again. And although I did not meet them the traditional way of meeting people, I feel blessed to have made some very special friends. And I'll admit, some of these connections were brief friendships, but I have learned to believe people come into our lives for some purpose, whether it is for a day, a week or a lifetime. Each person I've met has made some impact on my life...maybe not in an grand, significant way, but there are always lessons to be learned. I think back to the days of childhood...when you made special wishes for the things you want for your birthday...a new doll, a bike, a video game or roller skates. And now, I think of the new list of things I want...good health, friends and family, love and passion, and an appreciation for life and the freedom/time to enjoy it. I am blessed to have all these things.

Thinking of you, Mark...

This past week has been a tough one for me...I had to deal with news of someone I trusted betraying me, talked a dear friend through a meltdown, learned a new friend's shyness is a possible obstacle of becoming more than friends, and I've been thinking a lot about Mark. It's been almost 7 months...and while I have continued on with life (I don't like to say "moved on"), I have the difficult days that seem to sometimes hit me like a train when I'm least expecting it. Sunday mom and I had participated in a craft boutique at a friend's church. It was a nice day out, socializing and experiences crafts and food of my culture...something I do not do quite often enough. After a long day, I came home with a loaded truck but decided to take a much needed nap. So I parked the truck on the driveway, locked the gate and let the dogs loose in the yard. While I had the truck cab doors open, Buster decided he wanted to try to go for a ride. As soon as he jumped in the driver's side, he immediately perked his ears, started sniffing and his tail was going a mile a minute. He bounced around on the seats, sniffing everywhere...it dawned on me...he smelled Mark...it was the first time he had been in the truck since Mark passed. Buster sat on the passenger seat, looked at me with a tilted head as if to ask, "Is daddy here? Where is he?" It just about broke my heart. I'm tearing up now just thinking about this little, too smart for his own good dog wondering where his other master was after all this time. It's amazing how much they can be like humans in the expressions they show with just their eyes. The strangest things happened over the next few days. On Monday I kept catching a strange bright light out of the corner of my eye...it happened in what used to be our bedroom once and what was Mark's "man cave" several times...that is the room he passed away in. On Tuesday, when I woke up and walked through the same room to get to the bathroom, I felt a cold spot in the middle of the room...unexplainable. It gave me the chills, although it was not a cold morning. And then while sitting in the living room watching TV, there was a strong sulfur odor...it came and went several times. I couldn't find anything that would cause the smell. So a part of me thought maybe Mark was here? Trying to make his presence known? Or maybe he is trying to let me know he is alright and is watching over me, when I felt like I needed it most? I'm not sure. What freaked me out initially is now having a calming effect on me. I have had the pleasure of making an acquaintance who has become a dear friend recently. He reminds me a lot of Mark...his tastes in music, movies, technology, etc. He has very similar physical traits and quirks about him that remind me of Mark. Without knowing anything about Mark, my dear friend told me today, "Your husband was very lucky to have you in his life. He must have been a truly great person...because I know you are a good person, loving, caring and just good. And it says a lot about who we marry and love...so he must have been a very loving, caring and good person. I'm so sorry you lost him at such a young age." Of course, this made me want to break down and cry. It meant so much to me for someone who never knew Mark to feel this way about him...because it is so spot on true. And this is what it made me realize...I was lucky to find love once and to have the opportunity to say goodbye to him when we knew he was dying. It is a privilege very few people have. The love you feel for someone never goes away, even when they are no longer with us. However one believes things go when we die...if we go to a beautiful place called heaven, are reborn into someone new, or just float around as a free spirit...it doesn't matter. What matters is you let your heart and soul heal when that person leaves, but the love stays in you forever. And yes, you can let yourself love again because why would you not want that feeling to continue in your present just because a part of you has passed? So, Mark...my dear Mark...wherever it is you are, I miss you as I'm sure everyone does. I love you and I thank you for giving me love and strength. Thinking of you, always.

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Fall is upon us and it is the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween, cooler weather, boots, shawls, sweaters, extra blankets, chili in sourdough bread bowls, Christmas craft boutiques and snuggles. I love this time of year because it always brings fond memories of the happiest moments of my past. The cooler weather means it is time to bring out a "new" wardrobe...Time to dust off the boots, long skirts, leggings, sweaters and shawls. I love layering and it is almost cold enough here in spoiled Los Angeles to wear them out. I get to show off the crochet scarves and shawls I've made over the years and possibly make some new ones. And cooler weather also means warmer foods...I love chili/chowder and stews! Time for new recipes, which have included potato leek soup and corn chowder. Crock pots are perfect for them...and the new kitchen has been a wonderful blessing...I've fed many friends and family members over the last month and half. I've loved every minute of it too! This is the time of year to spend with loved ones and share in the season of fun, thanks, sharing and love. I am hoping to get some baking down this season as well, persimmon cookies, the always necessary oatmeal chocolate chip and maybe some zucchini bread. It is also my favorite time of year because mom and I get to participate in craft boutiques and sell our creations. We have already participated in one, have one coming up this weekend, will hold one at my house soon and another two at our gym Curves. It is fun and flattering to share something I've made with an appreciative customer. And making extra spending money for the holiday season is always a good thing. This year mom is specializing in paper folded flowers, holiday ornaments and jewelry. I've crocheted ruffle scarves, made holiday ornaments and wine glass lanterns. It has been nice to spend quality time with mom at the boutiques, shopping for crafting supplies and enjoying time together. She has said many times in the recent weeks, "I am so happy with my life right now." I agree completely. Halloween dress up favorites from the past include The Evil Queen/Witch from Snow White, Day of the Dead Senorita, Transylvania Prom Queen, Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, Zombie Bride, and most recently Wonder Woman. For the first time in many years, I dressed up and spent Halloween out on a date...a lovely night out with a new friend. Andy, or Ogre as he is known, took me to see the black and white classic silent film Phantom of the Opera at the Disney Music Hall. It was fabulous! The grand pipe organ played music throughout the movie to add drama and romance. It was my first time seeing the movie and visiting the concert hall. It was more exciting for my date to see the thrill and excitement of everything being new to me than it was for him to see the actually movie. It was a memorable night which will hopefully be followed by many more with my new friend. Life is good and I only see things getting better.

All a girl wants...

I've been told many times in recent weeks that I need to write a book about my on-line dating adventures...the good, the bad and the ugly....we'll start with an entry to my blog ;) To say the least, it has been an adventure. I have been lied to, asked for money and iTunes account information, sent fake photos (thank goodness for reverse Google image search), sent photos of naughty parts, and solicited for sex many times from various parts of the country and world! On a good note, I have made a few friends that I have met in person, who will hopefully remain friends in my life. I've been contacted by every age, nationality and type you can think of. From 20 years old to 82...The younger ones seem to want just a bed buddy, asking for nudie pics within the first 5 minutes of chatting on-line. They are super eager to show you what they have to offer, so to speak. And the older ones just want a nurse to take care of them and their "needs". They claim to be "financially secure and physically able". It's disturbing what people think they can buy with money. So in my search for romance, I have been disappointed and deceived. So I wonder to myself, where are the truly great guys? The ones who like a woman for what she has to offer in personality, not physical features. The ones who respect a woman enough to get to know them before even thinking about sex. The ones who are romantic and want a future with someone...a real relationship, not just a quick meet up and roll in the sack. The ones who don't care if I have money in the bank or if I'm broke. The ones who know how to treat a woman and are willing to develop a friendship and true relationship. The ones who can handle some "junk in the trunk" :) Where are you? A favorite quote of mine is from Marilyn Monroe..."All a girl wants is for one man to prove to her they are not all the same." I was told by a friend that I'll have to kiss a lot of toads before I find my prince...It's getting tiring and frustrating kissing the toads....talking to the toads, weeding through the toads, having to Google the toads to figure out if the toads are even real...yuck. Is it really too much for a woman to expect to find someone who is respectful, fun, honest, hard working, passionate with a sense of humor? Someone who can carry on a conversation about most topics, make me laugh everyday, appreciate the things I do and look at me with loving eyes? I don't think so. I was told I am brave for continuing my search...which reminds me of another quote I love..."Sometimes you have to go out and look for Prince Charming because the poor fool might be lost." So, yes...I will continue to search. I'm smarter now and the experience has taught me a lot about trust and deception. But is has also been fun and entertaining. I know you're out there, Mr. Right...I just need to find you! :)

New Life

And so it begins, a new era of my life...my kitchen remodel is near complete. It has turned out beautifully and I cannot wait to start having people over. I have brand new laminate flooring in the entire kitchen, dining/living room and hallways. The entire house now has new copper pipes in and a tankless water heater...the difference is incredible! The water feels softer and cleaner, plus it heats up in a jiffy! New insulation in the attic has kept the house cooler on the hot August and September days we've had lately. My kitchen is equipped with a new 6 1/2'x4' island complete with storage cabinets, drawers, extended counter for barstools and stove top. I purchased a beautiful stainless steel and glass hood to go along with it. My black LG refrigerator and wall oven are in place, surrounded by cabinets and drawers to match my new granite sink counter and cabinets. The worker's oopsy of dropping the first piece of granite resulted in me getting a new bartop and laundry nook sink surround for installation only charges...couldn't let that beautiful granite go to waste! Altough everything ended up costing more than my original plan, it is all worth it when I see how beautfiul and spacious my kitchen/living room is. I've done a little bit of hosting to my mom and a few friends, but cannot wait for a huge get together! The doggies are happy to be able to be in the front part of the house again too. I have been trying my best to be healthier by going on hikes with my friend and eating cleaner. I've managed to drop a pant size and feel better about myself. I guess it shows because I've had a lot of compliments on photos and have been getting attention from the male of the species lately ;) One of the biggest ego boosts is having someone young enough to be my son ask if I want to go out with him...weird. I've become somewhat addicted to roasted veggies for dinner...usually going without meat or starch for a few days a week. My passion of cooking has been reserved since I didn't have access to my kitchen for over a month. I've made up for it the past couple days roasting a mixture of corn, green beans, carrots and brocolli. Tomorrow night I am having mom and a friend over for some pasta a scampi. Can't wait to get back in the swing of cooking again! With all the counter space and cabinet space...it's time to go shopping for new cooking supplies too!!