That Feeling When...

I've been doing some major home renovations lately, painting, landscaping, redecorating and general purging and cleansing of the house. I have managed to turn the old "man cave" into a respectable, girl's living space...it's more like a studio apartment. I am quite happy with the results, as it is a reflection of who I am. The half bath has been re-done, the old bedroom is now like a ginormous walk in closet and the guest room is actually ready for guests! All that's left is clearing out the garage to make it my arts and crafts studio, turn the home office into something I haven't decided yet and of course remodeling the kitchen...the biggest project. It's that feeling of accomplishment and pride :)

I've gotten back into a routine of going to the gym with mom...we try for 3 times a week. I've also ventured out on walks with both dogs, which is a challenge at times. I bought a tandem leash, which forces them to work together but also doubles the weight pulling on the leash. My veggie garden is rewarding my hard work with a bounty of a variety of tomatoes, squash, bell pepper, basil, blueberries, raspberries and strawberries. I must admit I have been eating much healthier since Mark has passed, since I actually have time to cook and choose the things I like and not what's convenient or someone else's request. And I am sleeping better at night. It's that feeling of being healthier and happier everyday.

So, my adventures with on-line dating continues...I have met some very interesting fellas, not in person of course. For some reason I get a lot of interest out of Texas, New England and Ohio...must be a lack of Asian ladies in those areas? So this one guy from Texas asked if I would email him. So I agreed...using the new gmail account I created specifically for that reason. After reading my profile and first email, he proceeded to tell me I was the one, God had sent me for him and he deleted his online profile so he could focus 100% on me. It's that feeling of being totally creeped out and glad you didn't give out your phone number!

On the flip side, I also have met a single dad who is new to the area (again, from Texas). We have been emailing and texting for a week wand a half and things are going along fine. He is kind, focused on his career, close with his daughter and makes me smile. I am hoping to meet face to face sometime in the near future, but for now we have both agreed to take things slow, as friends first. It's that feeling of being nervous and excited at the same time getting to know someone in hopes it will lead to something wonderful.

What's your problem??!!

Just recently I decided to create profiles and take a peek around at Match.com and eHarmony. No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend/husband...I’m looking for friendship and am curious about this whole online dating craze. I want to get a feel for what it's like to be out on the market and to see what type of men I attract. I started with the "just browsing" guest memberships...of course until you do a regular paid membership, you cannot communicate with your "matches" or see their profile pictures. So I took the plunge...perhaps it was a mistake. For some reason, the system does not recognize that I specified "within 30 miles of Los Angeles"....some of my matches include San Diego, Oregon, Texas and Alabama. And let me tell you something, talk about culture shock! There are pictures of men on their horses, one looked like it was from the show Duck Dynasty, and another was so blurry, I wasn't sure it was a man or bigfood. What the heck? Do people not understand this is a place where you are putting yourself out there to a potential mate...you are marketing yourself. You should be putting out information to attract the opposite sex. Don't post pictures of yourself with an 80's haircut and try to pull it off as a recent one and then the next one of you has less hair (which is suddenly gray) and there is much more of your body. And don't use the one of you and your ex with her face blurred out. Do you really think the photo of you in the bathroom, shirtless and holding your cell phone up to the mirror is your best shot? No, I don't need to see pictures of your expensive condo in one city and your "paid way too much because I am insecure about my penis size" car. And how about spell check or getting someone who graduated above the 5th grade to check your description of who you are and what you're looking for in a mate? Honestly, let's be real...you are not "athletic build" if you are 60 pounds overweight but played football back 20 years ago in high school. Sheesh. My personal experiences with people I've met online have been mixed. There is a nice guy, who lives local. But he can't spell. Or put a sentence together with punctuation. He wrote to me, "I gots a good job am desent man and will take you to Vegas to see UFC matches." Um, no...I'm good. I don't need to go to Las Vegas with someone I've never met to watch a bunch of sweaty guys beat each other up. He continued with, "Maybe you cooking dinner for us and we have a nice nigt thank you for reading hope to hear back have a good night bye." Hey, Tarzan...go back to school and learn something. Good lord, my editing skills are screaming at me for writing it out that way :( And another gentleman...super nice, sweet, good on paper, but lives out of state...way over on the east coast. I told him after he initially emailed me I was not interested in long distance. He asked if we could be friends, so I said fine. We decided to text one another. Things were going great, friendly getting to know you type stuff. Then the bomb. He asked what I was doing this weekend. I told him I was going to a Brazilian all you can eat restaurant with a friend. He asked, "Will you take me sometime?" I jokingly said, "Sure, if you're ever in Los Angeles." Then the bomb..."I'm willing to relocate for the right woman. So far so good for you. I haven’t had much luck on Match.com, but I did find you." Ugh...What's your problem!!???!!! His next text was, "So, am I everything you're looking for in a man, cutie?" AARRRGGGHHH!!! Really? After 3 brief email exchanges, 2 hours of on again off again texting you're ready to consider moving across the country, uproot your young daughter and now I have a pet name of Cutie??? I tell ya, it's tough out there and these guys don't make it any easier to have faith in meeting some decent, good quality men. Even just for friendship! And men think women are psycho? I'm sure this is the first of many blogs about my new adventures. Can't wait til I start dating again! That's going to be super fun and entertaining ;)

I miss him...

So, the service was a week ago...he's been gone just over 3 weeks....I miss him. I miss the sounds in the house of another person being here. Little things like a door opening and closing, dishes being placed on a counter or in the sink. The wrapper of a candy crinkling. His cough. His laugh. His voice. I just miss him. It's amazing how much we don't realize one person impacts our life until they are no longer there. And the dogs miss him...Buster is more clingy to me than ever. And Saydee is venting her frustrations out on Buster. I've had to do the dreaded phone calling, faxing and letter writing to let companies such as the banks, credit cards, cell provider, etc. know he is gone. It's tough. The weirdest part of it all is being away from the house and not having the feeling of needing to get home...whether it be to make lunch for him, get him to an appointment or just to be with him. I find myself liking to be away from home more and more. And I know it's a coping mechanism...but I also love to be home where I can sometimes feel his spirit around, like he's watching over me. It seems like I notice more and more butterflies and hummingbirds in the yard lately. Yet another reminder that he is around. Or when I turn on the tv and his favorite movie or show is on...or the radio plays a song that reminds me of him. There are days I think I cannot go on without him but I remind myself how lucky we were to have what we had and it gives me strength to move on and live life. Because that's what he wanted for me. And in these times of sadness, loneliness and darkness, I have learned who my friends are...who has love in their hearts for me. My very best friend, who put his heart and soul into expressing words that made Mark's tribute a wonderful and beautiful thing. My dear mom, who stayed up so many nights to make sure I was okay. My gals, who came by with food and made sure I was eating and taking care of myself...and made sure I laughed and knew I was loved and will never be alone. My special male honorary "girlfriend", who brought over food, took care of my yard and fed the masses even when he couldn't join in. The mother and son team, who helped me plan Mark's tribute and prepared gorgeous flowers to bring sunshine and cheer to his special day. My cousin, who lovingly polished and cleaned Mark's bike to make it look its best at the service. My uncle, who was a most gracious host for the family dinner. Wonderful food and entertainment. The neighbors who have stopped by to ask if I need anything and have brought food, flowers and companionship as if we were family. I don't know how I could have gotten through these days/weeks without them all, not forgetting to note the many other friends who have come by to visit, brought flowers, food, booze and sent cards, letters and just in general have made me feel loved. I don't feel alone, nor will I ever with people like that in my life. And although a huge part of my life is gone, there is no void in my life because I have so much that remains. I love you all. I miss him, but you've all made it easier.

Goodbye.

It has been just over a week since the love of my love passed away. And soon it will be time to say goodbye, ceremonially. A few weeks before Mark came home to be on hospice care, we did a lot of heart to heart conversing and I feel that we said our goodbyes then. He told me he had no regrets about the life we had together. Even the bad times. He gave me instructions on how to disperse some of his belongings. He even gave me his blessings to move on with my life and find love again when I am ready. What a blessing that was, a truly unselfish act that proved to me his unconditional love. We spent time talking about the wonderful trips we had taken, Vegas, San Diego, Santa Cruz, North Carolina, Connecticut and little day trips in and around LA.. We talked about the difficult times...being laid off from work, going on disability, not being able to have kids and struggling financially. And of course we talked about what we were currently going through...the battle of his life...Cancer. Such an ugly word. We talked about his wishes to not be in the hospital any longer, hooked up to machines, having blood drawn every hour. We talked about facing death...he told me he had no fear. With a lifetime of health issues, he had learned to face death without fear. Such a brave, warrior. And we talked about the afterlife. I made him promise to one day send me a sign...something only I would recognize, so I knew he was okay. I'm still waiting, but I know it'll come. On the night before he passed, he woke me up to tell me he was having trouble breathing...we were using a baby monitor so he could call out to me. When I came to his bedside, he was struggling for breath. He said he wasn't in pain, wasn't scared and that he loved me. I told him this was the moment we had to decide what the next move was...If I called 911, they would hook him up to machines, take him to the hospital and he would be there probably until his time came. If I called our hospice nurse, we would keep him at home as comfortable as possible until his time came. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I don't want to go. No more. I want to be here." So there it was. A simple answer and request. And that is what I did. My last action of love and respect. I rubbed his chest, held his hand and told him I loved him. I told him not to be scared and that I would be fine. I reminded him of everyone who loved him and that it was okay for him to go when he was ready. He slowly drifted off to sleep, semi coherent. By the time our nurse showed up, he was breathing heavily with a rapid heart beat. He was in and out of being coherent. Within an hour, he was no longer coherent. The nurse said it could be a matter of hours or days, depending how long he decided to fight. I stayed up with him all night...talking to him, even though he didn't respond back. I kept telling him I loved him and that everything was going to be okay. And at 9:40 the next morning, as I stood by his side, rubbing his chest and holding his hand, he took his last breaths and I watched his heart beat for the last time. He gave me the gift of letting me take care of him right til the end. I am grateful for the peace he had in his eyes and on his face. Our last goodbye was serene and filled with love and peace. If ever there was a perfect way to go, surrounded by friends, loved ones and having had numerous visitors the days and weeks prior, this was it. Mark knew he was loved and was able to tell the ones he cared for that he loved them. He was even able to pet our devoted dogs and cat that last day he was with us. And because I feel so much peace in my heart, I am able to tell people I am fine when they ask how I am doing. I am happy for Mark to be out of pain and at peace. I am happy we had the last few months to speak so openly to one another and tell one another what our hearts felt. And I am happy because I know that we will see each other again some day, which makes saying goodbye a little easier.

How lucky am I?

I recently came across a quote from a silly old bear..."How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -- Winnie The Pooh. This simple grouping of words have taken on a wonderful, special meaning as a new chapter in my life has begun. My wonderful husband's 3 1/2 + year battle with cancer is coming to an end. We have come face to face with the reality that all battles are not won and life does in fact come to an end sooner than we sometimes expect or want. Love has been a strength in our marriage, along with laughter, respect and devotion. I have been blessed with almost 14 years of marriage to my best friend. He makes me laugh every day, even when we argue. I have felt loved and adored every day since our first date. The biggest compliment I've had in my life is that I am a wonderful wife. I take pride in the house I've made our home. Together, we have been through so much and our adventure continues into this unknown realm of the end of life. I have done much crying and soul searching these last few weeks. I have watched my husband, my love, my hero slowly give in to accept what life is offering him. He inspires me. Such courage and quiet strength. And as we have had our private conversations about our feelings, wishes and plans, it has brought peace to my heart and soul to know we are blessed to have this opportunity to say everything we need to say. And it has been difficult to say goodbye. Why wouldn't it be? But I have faith that someday we will be together again...in a beautiful place where there is no sadness, pain or disease. Where we are with all of our loved ones, surrounded by beauty and peace. This wonderful faith pulls me through the tough moments and gets me through the long nights of being alone in this home of ours. And rather than dwell on the things we haven't done, like trips we wanted to take, having children or remodeling the house...I focus on the wonderful things we have done, like road trips up the coast, running our own business, rescuing two loving dogs, and most importantly, building a marriage of trust, respect, endurance and most of all love. Every time we say I love you, I say it with all my heart as if it were the last time. Everyone should feel this level of passion and devotion, because we don't know when it may be the last time. And now it is my turn to have strength and courage to be the advocate, nurse, chef, chauffeur, chaplain and most importantly, friend and wife. It is my promise to provide comfort, love and peace as best I am able for all the time we have left together. I love you, Mark.

Repost, because I feel like it...To Sir, with love...

When I was a little girl, I used to dream about who I would grow up to become and who I would marry. I am a lucky girl to have married someone who loves me for who I am....he has never once complained about my struggles with weight. I get a "thank you" every night I fix dinner...even on the nights I serve a sandwich or take out. He knows when I'm quiet I'm usually angry at someone or something. He makes me laugh every single day of my life, even if it's because I'm teasing him. He knows not to bother me when I'm in the bath soaking away my worries of the day. And most importantly, he knows when I call him "Sir", it's to get his attention. Together, Mark and I have faced so many things...both good and bad. What started as a passionate first date turned into a loving marriage of friendship, respect and dedication. I am the first to admit that I have many faults...temperamental, selfish at times, childish, a worry wart, overbearing, a nag, a bitch if you will. BUT he puts up with it all. We have been going through this battle with cancer for 3 1/2 years. It has been tough. I've cried a lot. We both have. There have been too many trips to doctor appointments, invasive procedures and numerous ER visits. Some of the nurses and doctors recognize us when we walk into the ER at Kaiser Sunset. There are many heroes out in the world...soldiers, firemen, policemen, single moms, teachers...but Mark is my hero. He is brave, refusing to give up this battle. He admitted to me he is too stubborn to give up...he's not ready. I hear from friends and family how strong I am for handling everything I've been dealt in life, but he is even stronger for facing so many health obstacles in his lifetime. Together, we have made this house we live in a home. Since my grandmother died, we have put our own personal touches on things and I feel the warmth and love every time I walk in through the doors. So, Mark, as I sit at home alone, with you in the hospital again...I want you to know I'm always thinking positive thoughts filled with love and peace. I don't think I tell you enough how much I admire your strength and courage. I love you. Don't be upset I wrote this ;)

"If you wanted the sky
I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high
To Sir, with love/" --

Time passes on

Time has passed on...it has been too long since I have had a chance to sit down and collect my thoughts. With the holidays, hospital stays, two active puppies and a neglected garden/house, there have been too many other things demanding to come first. Right now, I'm focusing on me for a change. It didn't seem like Christmas without my auntie Hiroko and grandma Grace. It was always so much fun shopping for Hiroko...and everyone always looked forward to grandma's baking (even though she wasn't able to do it as well as she did years before). My mom's house was decorated as Winter Wonderland beautiful as always, but the house just seemed so empty and cold. Even my 2012 birthday was a downer...no celebrations that day since Mark was in the hospital. I actually spent the night with the doggies eating take out food. They seem to be my two dependable loves these days...driving me crazy with their destructive behavior, but always there to make me laugh and smile. I did manage to make some holiday money selling crocheted scarves and handmade paper ornaments...mom and I did a few craft boutiques, which were fun for mother/daughter bonding. The extra money was nice too ;) And crafting always takes my mind off the ugly stuff in life. I don't seem to get around to doing much crafting these days, but I'm vowing to try to make time. As I have also vowed to take better care of my health, my garden and myself in general. I've devoted a specific portion of the yard to roses this year. My favorite variegated lavender/purple survived the neglect in the heat and cold, so I will be sure to take special care of it. I have already been blessed with many blooms already...I've added a few new colors this year and cannot wait to take pictures in the spring. I've downsized the vegetable yard since the dogs are in need of their own space. My plans are for tomatoes, bell peppers, green beans and zucchini. I will also be planing some strawberry baskets, salad greens and herbs and might try blueberries again. I started a food log, in attempts to drop some weight in 2013. Mom and I are continuing to hit the gym...we try for 3 times a week. And I've decided to try to let my hair color grow back to it's true color...even the grays! We'll see how long that lasts...it's been 2 months so far. Things to look forward to are warmer weather for gardening, friends/family from out of town/state visiting soon and puppies that mature some more...mentally and emotionally. Buster has been quite the cry baby for momma lately...it's getting old :(