Letting Go

Sorry if this is repeating what you might have read on Facebook....I was browsing Pinterest, as usual, and came across an amazing quote. I felt like the person who wrote it got into my head and heart and put my thoughts into words.

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear. It's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It's having an open mind and... confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It's learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's all about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon have again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It's realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path to set you free."

So, I sit here at the computer (wiping away the tears) as I contemplate what these words mean to me and how they make me feel. I have made many changes since Mark passed...the house is different. It is more "me" now, my little touches are in each room. Some of the pictures that were taken down for the memorial service were never put back up on the walls. Most of his things have been gone through and given to those I felt would appreciate them and make good use of them. But there are so many things around that will always remind everyone who enters my home of him. The patio shows his handy work, as does the yard. I had a contractor come by today to help redesign the kitchen. I asked him not to touch the laundry area sink because it is one of the first projects Mark completed when we moved into this house. His urn and the memorial lamp with dried flowers from his service are lovingly placed in what was once our bedroom. So, although I am going on with my life I have not forgotten the wonderful life we did share, but I have began to let go. And I have realized that letting to is not about forgetting. It's about accepting what is and was, and allowing yourself to grow and move on. And the words contained in the above quote truly express how I feel. I have been given the opportunity to pursue love and happiness...and I'm taking it. I have always been protective of my heart and weary of being hurt. But I learned from my life with Mark that even when you do feel safe and loved, life can still hurt your heart with the events it throws at you. And to sit back and let opportunities pass you because you fear that pain and heartache again isn't living. I am choosing to live my life, not be a spectator. I'm putting myself out there and taking the risk of being hurt in hopes that I have found a good man and will have that second chance of love and living a happy life. I will allow him a chance to win my heart and prove himself worthy of the love I have to give. Maybe I am a fool but you never know if you don't take that chance. Mark taught me that life is precious and too short to be safe and cautious all the time. What's the use of having time, material things and feelings if you don't share them all with someone? I will end this with another quote, one of my favorites of all time..."I'd rather have a life of 'Oh wells' than a life of 'What ifs'"

Congratulations, Jenn!

Congratulations, Jenn...you've just encountered your first scam artist on-line! A harsh life lesson was learned today....trust is something that has to be earned, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I was contacted by a "match" on-line. It was innocent enough...a nice looking guy, friendly and seemingly sweet. We chatted. It was nice. I looked him up on Facebook (like I usually do when I encounter someone new). He was there...what a pleasant surprise. I friended him and we proceeded to chat...and chat...and chat. It turned out to be on and off, an all day thing. We even agreed to chat in the morning, time difference and schedules permitting. He said he lived in Kentucky. So, I tell a few close friends...I got the warm hearted, "Oh, I hope this is a good guy and things work out." And, "I'm glad you're meeting people." All I wanted was to make a new friend...I have someone that I think might turn out to be something special. But thank goodness my dear friend, with his protective eyes always watching over me, looked over this guy's profile and said, "It looks fake." Something didn't seem right...so the paranoid Jenn began to worry...What do I do??? Voice of reason said do nothing right now...wait...chat tomorrow and see what happens. Voice of friends said, "Make him send you a picture so you know it's him." Paranoid Jenn, with some benefit of the doubt, decided to message him back on the dating site. Poof! To my horror, the profile was gone. GONE!! Again, I freak out. I try to get some sleep, but can't...worried. So I turn to my trusty old friend Google...thank goodness for Google...I love you, Google. I couldn't live without you, Google. Did I say I love you, Google? I Googled his name...a few hits to Facebook and a dating site...them BAMM!! A hit on "RomanceScam.com"...yes, that is a real website. Apparently, since 2009, some guy in Guyana or Nigeria is targeting dating sites, using a variety of "white boy"names and photos he is stealing from different sites. He gains the trust of ladies, romancing them and swooning them...only to eventually ask for money. And there are ladies dumb enough to send him money...money to help with his rent, hospital bills, tickets so he can come travel to be with them...whatever. So, I immediately went to Facebook, unfriended him, blocked him and reported him. Never did I ever think I would fall prey to something like this...thank goodness it was just my pride that was hurt. But a fair warning to everyone...be weary. I don't want to say "trust no one", but really...be careful. I like to think of myself as a bright person, but I started to get suckered into the whole "niceness" of this person. All I wanted was a new friend...silly me. I have wonderful friends that I am so lucky to have in my life. I've even found a few long lost friends on Facebook. I'm still hopeful that I HAVE found a good guy on-line. We shall see how things progress with him. :) At least I can laugh about it, right?

Thank you, dear friend...

I received a phone call this morning from a dear friend. And they reminded me about so much in life that I've either pushed aside or ignored lately in the midst of all my home removations, on-line chatting and so called "getting on with my life". The main message received is that no one can truly understand what I am and have been going through the last months and years of my life. July is a sucky month...what would have been my 14 anniversay is coming up...we had planned to renew our vows for our lucky 13th...but of course, because of health issues and family obligations, that did not happen. I can still remember our wedding day so clearly. I remember and can still feel all the excitement and joy that whole day held for me. July is also a month filled with life celebrations for so many friends and famly..anniversaries, birthdays. And when you don't have a significant other, well...it sucks. Although this is one of the most difficult phases of my life, it can and should be one of the most exciting and adventurous. And I don't need to be judged by others for what I do or how I act. I hear it in the voices or see it in the eyes when I tell someone I'm meeting people or have met someone online. I don't need you to tell me that "it's too soon" for me to search for companionship and love. They don't know what I'm feeling inside or have been feeling for the last 4 years. I'm experienced in life and love...I know what I want and I should feel free to go out and get it. And I don't need the attention of men out there who think they need to take care of me and protect me from the big scary world out there...And no, if you're married, I won't be your "little something on the side"...I may not be the bravest or smartest gal out there, but what I need is protection from scary guys like you!! And no, I don't need a man...I want a man...I want to share my life with someone. I'm not looking for a husband, a replacement for Mark. I'm looking for a friend who shares my interests and passions that can eventually become my companion. My dear friend reminded me I have been the one to experience so many of life's events first...I was the first to lose a parent...I was one of the first to get married...first and maybe only to struggle with fertility issues and disappointments...the first to get laid off from work..and now the first to lose a spouse to death, in addition to many other family members and friends. All of these things have made me a stronger person, but they have also made me afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Everyone tells me how they admire my strength and courage...well, deep inside I feel scared and insecure. But what I have decided is that now is my time...my dear friend said, "It's all about you right now. You don't answer to anyone. You do what you need to do." Thank you, my dear dear friend....for understanding me and having the courage to call me out on things and letting me know with a gentle yet stearn voice of reason that I do deserve to be happy. And thank you Mark...for loving me unconditionally and giving me your blessings to look for love again. So, if you are reading this, it is because you are a friend. And yes, I am interested in meeting a nice, decent guy...message me so we can discuss :)

That Feeling When...

I've been doing some major home renovations lately, painting, landscaping, redecorating and general purging and cleansing of the house. I have managed to turn the old "man cave" into a respectable, girl's living space...it's more like a studio apartment. I am quite happy with the results, as it is a reflection of who I am. The half bath has been re-done, the old bedroom is now like a ginormous walk in closet and the guest room is actually ready for guests! All that's left is clearing out the garage to make it my arts and crafts studio, turn the home office into something I haven't decided yet and of course remodeling the kitchen...the biggest project. It's that feeling of accomplishment and pride :)

I've gotten back into a routine of going to the gym with mom...we try for 3 times a week. I've also ventured out on walks with both dogs, which is a challenge at times. I bought a tandem leash, which forces them to work together but also doubles the weight pulling on the leash. My veggie garden is rewarding my hard work with a bounty of a variety of tomatoes, squash, bell pepper, basil, blueberries, raspberries and strawberries. I must admit I have been eating much healthier since Mark has passed, since I actually have time to cook and choose the things I like and not what's convenient or someone else's request. And I am sleeping better at night. It's that feeling of being healthier and happier everyday.

So, my adventures with on-line dating continues...I have met some very interesting fellas, not in person of course. For some reason I get a lot of interest out of Texas, New England and Ohio...must be a lack of Asian ladies in those areas? So this one guy from Texas asked if I would email him. So I agreed...using the new gmail account I created specifically for that reason. After reading my profile and first email, he proceeded to tell me I was the one, God had sent me for him and he deleted his online profile so he could focus 100% on me. It's that feeling of being totally creeped out and glad you didn't give out your phone number!

On the flip side, I also have met a single dad who is new to the area (again, from Texas). We have been emailing and texting for a week wand a half and things are going along fine. He is kind, focused on his career, close with his daughter and makes me smile. I am hoping to meet face to face sometime in the near future, but for now we have both agreed to take things slow, as friends first. It's that feeling of being nervous and excited at the same time getting to know someone in hopes it will lead to something wonderful.

What's your problem??!!

Just recently I decided to create profiles and take a peek around at Match.com and eHarmony. No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend/husband...I’m looking for friendship and am curious about this whole online dating craze. I want to get a feel for what it's like to be out on the market and to see what type of men I attract. I started with the "just browsing" guest memberships...of course until you do a regular paid membership, you cannot communicate with your "matches" or see their profile pictures. So I took the plunge...perhaps it was a mistake. For some reason, the system does not recognize that I specified "within 30 miles of Los Angeles"....some of my matches include San Diego, Oregon, Texas and Alabama. And let me tell you something, talk about culture shock! There are pictures of men on their horses, one looked like it was from the show Duck Dynasty, and another was so blurry, I wasn't sure it was a man or bigfood. What the heck? Do people not understand this is a place where you are putting yourself out there to a potential mate...you are marketing yourself. You should be putting out information to attract the opposite sex. Don't post pictures of yourself with an 80's haircut and try to pull it off as a recent one and then the next one of you has less hair (which is suddenly gray) and there is much more of your body. And don't use the one of you and your ex with her face blurred out. Do you really think the photo of you in the bathroom, shirtless and holding your cell phone up to the mirror is your best shot? No, I don't need to see pictures of your expensive condo in one city and your "paid way too much because I am insecure about my penis size" car. And how about spell check or getting someone who graduated above the 5th grade to check your description of who you are and what you're looking for in a mate? Honestly, let's be real...you are not "athletic build" if you are 60 pounds overweight but played football back 20 years ago in high school. Sheesh. My personal experiences with people I've met online have been mixed. There is a nice guy, who lives local. But he can't spell. Or put a sentence together with punctuation. He wrote to me, "I gots a good job am desent man and will take you to Vegas to see UFC matches." Um, no...I'm good. I don't need to go to Las Vegas with someone I've never met to watch a bunch of sweaty guys beat each other up. He continued with, "Maybe you cooking dinner for us and we have a nice nigt thank you for reading hope to hear back have a good night bye." Hey, Tarzan...go back to school and learn something. Good lord, my editing skills are screaming at me for writing it out that way :( And another gentleman...super nice, sweet, good on paper, but lives out of state...way over on the east coast. I told him after he initially emailed me I was not interested in long distance. He asked if we could be friends, so I said fine. We decided to text one another. Things were going great, friendly getting to know you type stuff. Then the bomb. He asked what I was doing this weekend. I told him I was going to a Brazilian all you can eat restaurant with a friend. He asked, "Will you take me sometime?" I jokingly said, "Sure, if you're ever in Los Angeles." Then the bomb..."I'm willing to relocate for the right woman. So far so good for you. I haven’t had much luck on Match.com, but I did find you." Ugh...What's your problem!!???!!! His next text was, "So, am I everything you're looking for in a man, cutie?" AARRRGGGHHH!!! Really? After 3 brief email exchanges, 2 hours of on again off again texting you're ready to consider moving across the country, uproot your young daughter and now I have a pet name of Cutie??? I tell ya, it's tough out there and these guys don't make it any easier to have faith in meeting some decent, good quality men. Even just for friendship! And men think women are psycho? I'm sure this is the first of many blogs about my new adventures. Can't wait til I start dating again! That's going to be super fun and entertaining ;)

I miss him...

So, the service was a week ago...he's been gone just over 3 weeks....I miss him. I miss the sounds in the house of another person being here. Little things like a door opening and closing, dishes being placed on a counter or in the sink. The wrapper of a candy crinkling. His cough. His laugh. His voice. I just miss him. It's amazing how much we don't realize one person impacts our life until they are no longer there. And the dogs miss him...Buster is more clingy to me than ever. And Saydee is venting her frustrations out on Buster. I've had to do the dreaded phone calling, faxing and letter writing to let companies such as the banks, credit cards, cell provider, etc. know he is gone. It's tough. The weirdest part of it all is being away from the house and not having the feeling of needing to get home...whether it be to make lunch for him, get him to an appointment or just to be with him. I find myself liking to be away from home more and more. And I know it's a coping mechanism...but I also love to be home where I can sometimes feel his spirit around, like he's watching over me. It seems like I notice more and more butterflies and hummingbirds in the yard lately. Yet another reminder that he is around. Or when I turn on the tv and his favorite movie or show is on...or the radio plays a song that reminds me of him. There are days I think I cannot go on without him but I remind myself how lucky we were to have what we had and it gives me strength to move on and live life. Because that's what he wanted for me. And in these times of sadness, loneliness and darkness, I have learned who my friends are...who has love in their hearts for me. My very best friend, who put his heart and soul into expressing words that made Mark's tribute a wonderful and beautiful thing. My dear mom, who stayed up so many nights to make sure I was okay. My gals, who came by with food and made sure I was eating and taking care of myself...and made sure I laughed and knew I was loved and will never be alone. My special male honorary "girlfriend", who brought over food, took care of my yard and fed the masses even when he couldn't join in. The mother and son team, who helped me plan Mark's tribute and prepared gorgeous flowers to bring sunshine and cheer to his special day. My cousin, who lovingly polished and cleaned Mark's bike to make it look its best at the service. My uncle, who was a most gracious host for the family dinner. Wonderful food and entertainment. The neighbors who have stopped by to ask if I need anything and have brought food, flowers and companionship as if we were family. I don't know how I could have gotten through these days/weeks without them all, not forgetting to note the many other friends who have come by to visit, brought flowers, food, booze and sent cards, letters and just in general have made me feel loved. I don't feel alone, nor will I ever with people like that in my life. And although a huge part of my life is gone, there is no void in my life because I have so much that remains. I love you all. I miss him, but you've all made it easier.

Goodbye.

It has been just over a week since the love of my love passed away. And soon it will be time to say goodbye, ceremonially. A few weeks before Mark came home to be on hospice care, we did a lot of heart to heart conversing and I feel that we said our goodbyes then. He told me he had no regrets about the life we had together. Even the bad times. He gave me instructions on how to disperse some of his belongings. He even gave me his blessings to move on with my life and find love again when I am ready. What a blessing that was, a truly unselfish act that proved to me his unconditional love. We spent time talking about the wonderful trips we had taken, Vegas, San Diego, Santa Cruz, North Carolina, Connecticut and little day trips in and around LA.. We talked about the difficult times...being laid off from work, going on disability, not being able to have kids and struggling financially. And of course we talked about what we were currently going through...the battle of his life...Cancer. Such an ugly word. We talked about his wishes to not be in the hospital any longer, hooked up to machines, having blood drawn every hour. We talked about facing death...he told me he had no fear. With a lifetime of health issues, he had learned to face death without fear. Such a brave, warrior. And we talked about the afterlife. I made him promise to one day send me a sign...something only I would recognize, so I knew he was okay. I'm still waiting, but I know it'll come. On the night before he passed, he woke me up to tell me he was having trouble breathing...we were using a baby monitor so he could call out to me. When I came to his bedside, he was struggling for breath. He said he wasn't in pain, wasn't scared and that he loved me. I told him this was the moment we had to decide what the next move was...If I called 911, they would hook him up to machines, take him to the hospital and he would be there probably until his time came. If I called our hospice nurse, we would keep him at home as comfortable as possible until his time came. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I don't want to go. No more. I want to be here." So there it was. A simple answer and request. And that is what I did. My last action of love and respect. I rubbed his chest, held his hand and told him I loved him. I told him not to be scared and that I would be fine. I reminded him of everyone who loved him and that it was okay for him to go when he was ready. He slowly drifted off to sleep, semi coherent. By the time our nurse showed up, he was breathing heavily with a rapid heart beat. He was in and out of being coherent. Within an hour, he was no longer coherent. The nurse said it could be a matter of hours or days, depending how long he decided to fight. I stayed up with him all night...talking to him, even though he didn't respond back. I kept telling him I loved him and that everything was going to be okay. And at 9:40 the next morning, as I stood by his side, rubbing his chest and holding his hand, he took his last breaths and I watched his heart beat for the last time. He gave me the gift of letting me take care of him right til the end. I am grateful for the peace he had in his eyes and on his face. Our last goodbye was serene and filled with love and peace. If ever there was a perfect way to go, surrounded by friends, loved ones and having had numerous visitors the days and weeks prior, this was it. Mark knew he was loved and was able to tell the ones he cared for that he loved them. He was even able to pet our devoted dogs and cat that last day he was with us. And because I feel so much peace in my heart, I am able to tell people I am fine when they ask how I am doing. I am happy for Mark to be out of pain and at peace. I am happy we had the last few months to speak so openly to one another and tell one another what our hearts felt. And I am happy because I know that we will see each other again some day, which makes saying goodbye a little easier.