Goodbye.

It has been just over a week since the love of my love passed away. And soon it will be time to say goodbye, ceremonially. A few weeks before Mark came home to be on hospice care, we did a lot of heart to heart conversing and I feel that we said our goodbyes then. He told me he had no regrets about the life we had together. Even the bad times. He gave me instructions on how to disperse some of his belongings. He even gave me his blessings to move on with my life and find love again when I am ready. What a blessing that was, a truly unselfish act that proved to me his unconditional love. We spent time talking about the wonderful trips we had taken, Vegas, San Diego, Santa Cruz, North Carolina, Connecticut and little day trips in and around LA.. We talked about the difficult times...being laid off from work, going on disability, not being able to have kids and struggling financially. And of course we talked about what we were currently going through...the battle of his life...Cancer. Such an ugly word. We talked about his wishes to not be in the hospital any longer, hooked up to machines, having blood drawn every hour. We talked about facing death...he told me he had no fear. With a lifetime of health issues, he had learned to face death without fear. Such a brave, warrior. And we talked about the afterlife. I made him promise to one day send me a sign...something only I would recognize, so I knew he was okay. I'm still waiting, but I know it'll come. On the night before he passed, he woke me up to tell me he was having trouble breathing...we were using a baby monitor so he could call out to me. When I came to his bedside, he was struggling for breath. He said he wasn't in pain, wasn't scared and that he loved me. I told him this was the moment we had to decide what the next move was...If I called 911, they would hook him up to machines, take him to the hospital and he would be there probably until his time came. If I called our hospice nurse, we would keep him at home as comfortable as possible until his time came. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I don't want to go. No more. I want to be here." So there it was. A simple answer and request. And that is what I did. My last action of love and respect. I rubbed his chest, held his hand and told him I loved him. I told him not to be scared and that I would be fine. I reminded him of everyone who loved him and that it was okay for him to go when he was ready. He slowly drifted off to sleep, semi coherent. By the time our nurse showed up, he was breathing heavily with a rapid heart beat. He was in and out of being coherent. Within an hour, he was no longer coherent. The nurse said it could be a matter of hours or days, depending how long he decided to fight. I stayed up with him all night...talking to him, even though he didn't respond back. I kept telling him I loved him and that everything was going to be okay. And at 9:40 the next morning, as I stood by his side, rubbing his chest and holding his hand, he took his last breaths and I watched his heart beat for the last time. He gave me the gift of letting me take care of him right til the end. I am grateful for the peace he had in his eyes and on his face. Our last goodbye was serene and filled with love and peace. If ever there was a perfect way to go, surrounded by friends, loved ones and having had numerous visitors the days and weeks prior, this was it. Mark knew he was loved and was able to tell the ones he cared for that he loved them. He was even able to pet our devoted dogs and cat that last day he was with us. And because I feel so much peace in my heart, I am able to tell people I am fine when they ask how I am doing. I am happy for Mark to be out of pain and at peace. I am happy we had the last few months to speak so openly to one another and tell one another what our hearts felt. And I am happy because I know that we will see each other again some day, which makes saying goodbye a little easier.

How lucky am I?

I recently came across a quote from a silly old bear..."How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -- Winnie The Pooh. This simple grouping of words have taken on a wonderful, special meaning as a new chapter in my life has begun. My wonderful husband's 3 1/2 + year battle with cancer is coming to an end. We have come face to face with the reality that all battles are not won and life does in fact come to an end sooner than we sometimes expect or want. Love has been a strength in our marriage, along with laughter, respect and devotion. I have been blessed with almost 14 years of marriage to my best friend. He makes me laugh every day, even when we argue. I have felt loved and adored every day since our first date. The biggest compliment I've had in my life is that I am a wonderful wife. I take pride in the house I've made our home. Together, we have been through so much and our adventure continues into this unknown realm of the end of life. I have done much crying and soul searching these last few weeks. I have watched my husband, my love, my hero slowly give in to accept what life is offering him. He inspires me. Such courage and quiet strength. And as we have had our private conversations about our feelings, wishes and plans, it has brought peace to my heart and soul to know we are blessed to have this opportunity to say everything we need to say. And it has been difficult to say goodbye. Why wouldn't it be? But I have faith that someday we will be together again...in a beautiful place where there is no sadness, pain or disease. Where we are with all of our loved ones, surrounded by beauty and peace. This wonderful faith pulls me through the tough moments and gets me through the long nights of being alone in this home of ours. And rather than dwell on the things we haven't done, like trips we wanted to take, having children or remodeling the house...I focus on the wonderful things we have done, like road trips up the coast, running our own business, rescuing two loving dogs, and most importantly, building a marriage of trust, respect, endurance and most of all love. Every time we say I love you, I say it with all my heart as if it were the last time. Everyone should feel this level of passion and devotion, because we don't know when it may be the last time. And now it is my turn to have strength and courage to be the advocate, nurse, chef, chauffeur, chaplain and most importantly, friend and wife. It is my promise to provide comfort, love and peace as best I am able for all the time we have left together. I love you, Mark.