Saying goodbye

 It's never easy, saying goodbye for the last time. My little Buster came to me when I was at a low point in my life. I had just lost my favorite auntie. She was more like a sister and friend rolled into one. Buster seemed to come out if nowhere, appearing on my back porch. I remember the first night he was with us...it rained and thundered. He shivered in fear, so I laid next to him, rubbing his chest to calm him down. It still works today...I lay him across my thigh and caress his chest and neck to comfort him. He has been battling heart failure and it has recently become worse...swollen legs, paws and chest. Labored breathing. Wet cough. When he refused to eat his normal amount of food, I knew it was time. The brightness is gone from his eyes. He has a look of, "Please help me" on his face. We're lucky to see a few wiggles from his now quiet tail that once was so active and full of life. He no longer asks to be let outside. No longer interested in playing with his sister. She knows something is different. She approaches him cautiously and gently licks his face. As much as we would love to have more time, we know it's time to let him rest his body and free his soul. I told him it's okay to leave us...it's time to be free and to find Pappa Mark to play and be happy.

49 things I appreciate (as I turn 49)

1. My sense of humor.

2. The unconditional love I have with my husband.

3. Living super close to my mom.

4. Enjoying the life I have.

5. Being treated like family by my "employers".

6. My canine kids.

7. Having a small family.

8. Accepting who I am.

9. Knowing who my true friends are.

10. The ability to laugh at myself.

11. Living where I grew up.

12. Not having rent/mortgage.

13. Knowing how to cook from scratch.

14. Raising Monarch butterflies.

15. Finding love again.

16. Inheriting my mom's craftiness.

17. Inheriting my dad's tech/mechanical skills.

18. Having had the opportunity to take care of my family.

19. Being next to Mark when he took his last breath.

20. The opportunity to continue my education.

21. Having a step daughter who treats me like mom.

22. Learning to let go.

23. Staying in touch with those I love.

24. Honesty.

25. Knowing the best is yet to come.

26. Loyalty.

27. Having a home craft studio all to myself.

28. Gardening.

29. Being in a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

30. De-stressing my life.

31. Putting myself first for a change.

32. A well stocked fridge.

33. A well stocked craft room.

34. The ability to grow my own food (when the season allows).

35. Having friends all over the States and the world.

36. A second and third "family".

37. Friends who check in.

38. Having friends to check in on.

39. A creative mind.

30. People who can make me laugh.

31. Hockey...a sport that actually interests me.

31. A nice, sexy bearded man.

32. Anyone who is true to their words.

33. Children that are polite and appreciative.

34. Adults who are polite and appreciative.

35. Canned apricots. Seriously, can't get enough of them.

36. Free speech.

37. Nature.

38. Living my best life.

39. Having a man who can fix things...my car, computer, house, etc.

40. People who enjoy and appreciate my cooking.

41. People who don't bullshit.

42.  Finding new ways to explore life.

43.  Losing weight, slowly and healthy.

44. Having passion.

45. Being open minded.

46. Knees that don't cause me constant pain.

47. Being good to others.

48. Letting others be good to me.

49. Looking forward the to my future.

Be kind...

I've been a caregiver for the same elder for almost 2 years. It has been a learning experience and I feel my "client" and I both benefit from the situation. I am grateful to have a job and feel closeness to this family. I enjoy interacting with them and I know in my heart I am appreciated, at least by the husband and wife. It may be a cultural thing, but my client has a funny way of asking for things. He doesn't ask...he tells you what he wants. He will say, "You can get me a tissue. You can bring me the newspaper. You may help me stand up." He has never asked for something like most people do. Until today...for some strange reason. I was just talking to Dave about how my paternal grandmother (who I cared for the last years of her life) used to make me feel so unappreciated. She was mean, no other way to put it. She would tell everyone around her "thank you" and "please" except for me. I'm really not sure why, but I just know it really hurt my feelings and it made me not want to do things for her. But I did, because I promised my grandfather I would take care of her AND I LOVED HER. Anyway, my client asked me to do things for him today. I was assisting him into the shower and he said, "Could you please hand me the shampoo?" And then, "Could you please dry my back?" And I even got a few thank yous during the showering process. It was nice. It felt good. It made me feel appreciated and valued as a caregiver. It was something so simple and kind...and I loved it. A small act that shows respect and appreciation can mean so much to the person receiving it. So please, be kind...to everyone.

47

According to my driver's license and birth certificate (and mom), today I turn 47. Funny, I don't feel like I'm in my 40s. Some say I don't look like I'm in my 40s either (thank you!). Once we turn 18, and then 21...birthdays don't seem to hold their importance. Maybe 50 will be different, we'll see. As I sit and reflect on my life so far, I've come to realize how things balance themselves out over a lifetime. I had a happy childhood. We never went without anything we needed or most of our wants. We lived a simple, humble life. My mom was a stay home mom for the most part. She blessed me with my youthful looks, love of crafting and gardening. She taught me to be considerate, kind and loving. My dad was hardworking. He blessed me with my sense of humor, technical curiosity and skills. He taught me how to appreciate music and delicious food. Although my only sibling and I fought a lot, he has grown to be a kind and generous person. I know he is always there for me, and me for him. My grandparents were always around and I feel fortunate to have grown to adulthood having them in my life and ultimately taking care of them in their late years. There have been accomplishments and failures, but all have taught me important life lessons. Graduating high school was a milestone. So was graduation from community college. I regret not finishing design school (I planned on becoming an interior designer), but after losing my dad...had I not gone into the funeral/mortuary business, I never would have met many dear friends and my husband Mark. And though I've lost many dear loved ones in my life...my dad, grandmas and grandpa, aunties, friends and my loving husband, I have been fortunate enough to have many special friends in my life and of course, Dave. At one time, according to pregnancy tests, I thought I was expecting...but it was false positives. I am lucky to be "Auntie Jenn" to some wonderful kids. And to Dave's kids, I will always be known as "Jenna...like a mom", to which I am proud to say is one of my greatest titles. I have been able to spend my life helping others and I feel really good about my life's work. There are still many things I hope to accomplish in my work lifetime. This past year has been one of personal growth, relationship strengthening and creative output. I hope to continue with all of them and more!

Compassion and love...

Over the last 6 months, Dave and I have been working for a family as caregivers to a stroke recovery patient. He is 81 years old and we started with him the week after his stroke. Little did we know that a simple part time job I applied for would turn into meeting people what have changed our lives. I signed up with an agency for caregivers in the Los Angeles area. I received a text that a particular family was interested in meeting with me. I visited the home (a quick 7 minute drive from home) and met with the husband, wife and their daughter. I immediately felt a bond with them. I could tell they were scared for what the future held for them. Dad was unable to get out of bed. Although his speech was not hindered, he had many physical issues. Within an hour of meeting them, they wanted to hire me. The problem was they wanted full time hours and I was only able to give part time due to my financial aid and my potential class schedule. They asked if I knew anyone who could help out. I said, "Yes! My boyfriend Dave has care giving experience!" They met with him the next day and we were hired! I has been an amazing journey. Our client is now walking without the assistance of devices. His love of golf has triggered a spark in him, as we practice putting regularly as a treat. It is amazing to see his physical "inabilities" disappear when he stands and concentrates on hitting the ball. You'd never know he is a stroke recovery patient! Dave and I have taken the role of physical therapists as well. I sit in on sessions once every 2 weeks and replicate the exercises with him daily. We take walks together, attempting to increase the length and difficulty each time. Dave does an amazing job with strength building and stretching exercises. I have used my personal experience of carpal tunnel surgery recovery from years ago to come up with exercises that are fun and interesting. He has even been able to write his name legibly with his affected hand, something he is beyond thrilled about. Dave and I share technology information with him...showing him YouTube videos on our phones. He cried when I played him a video of his favorite Indian performer Ravi Shankar play the sitar with his daughter, something he hadn't heard in years. Our client has taught us so many things in return. I have learned about Indian culture. He was a professor at USC and enjoys conversations about culture, religion and politics. He inspires both of us with his courage and determination to overcome his stroke injuries and try to live a "normal" life. The dedication his wife shows by her patience and love is inspiring as well. It reminds me of my days of taking care of Mark and my grandparents. By showing compassion and love to this client, who feels more like family now, Dave and I have learned to be more patient, understanding and kind. We have been gifted with love and gratitude in return from this family. I feel blessed and honored to be in a position to help someone who truly appreciates what we do. It makes this "job" feel like doing what comes natural to both of us.

Missing you...

Today, as with all days, I miss you. I miss the laughter and silliness we shared. The way you'd surprise me by fixing something I thought was a goner. The meals out and the "stay in for the nights" at home. The road trips to visit your Aunt and Grandma. The weekends raiding thrift store and yard sales for treasures. The cool music we both loved. The "weird" music you loved but I just didn't get. Our shared love for horror and the macabre. Our many trips to a cemetery to take pictures of celebrity graves and beautiful statues. Your tech savvy ways. Your failed attempts of making me pancakes or souffles. Your quiet strength. Your ticklish nature. The sincerity of your crooked smile. I miss your gentle hands. The chocolate Kisses you'd leave for me on my desk. The way you knew when I was having a bad day. Coming home to a warm bath and candle light waiting for me. I miss your courage. The amazing way you fought through your pain. The determination you had to disprove the doctors. Your stubbornness. The many scars that reminded me of your difficult life. I miss all the bad times, as much as I miss the good times. The late night runs to the ER when we didn't know what was wrong. The long waits at the doctors' office when we made the best of a bad situation...watching Jerry Springer and playing games on our phones. The nights in the hospital, when we'd stay up all night talking about what our future held for us and all the fears we shared. I even miss the last days I had with you. Talking about how you wanted your last days to be spent. Who you wanted to see, what you wanted to experience before you left us. I miss watching you sleep at night, wondering if it was the last time. The devastation I felt when you were gone, has subsided to the comfort of knowing your pain was gone. The quiet way you passed and the peace finally took over your face. I miss you my love, my friend, my dear. And I love you...forever.

Executive Order 9066

It is an ugly part of US history most people do not talk about. With the recent concern of the treatment of immigrants and the fate of our country's future, I felt the "writing bug" entice me to share part of my family's story. It was in 1949 when President Roosevelt signed the the order which sent Japanese-Americans to Internment camps. My grandparents, grand-aunt, father, aunt and other relatives were included in the group. We never discussed it while I was growing up. We never learned about it in school. All I truly remember hearing about it was when my family received checks for restitution. I don't even remember what the money was used for. My grandparents probably just invested it. My dad did not live to see the check. Ironically, my grandmother's brother had passed away and the check was in the family's mailbox when they returned home from his funeral. Living with and taking care of my grandparents for 5 years allowed me to hear small bits and pieces of their story. My grandmother said my aunt, who was just a baby, learned to walk and talk while in "camp". My dad would watch my grandmother scrub laundry on a washboard. He wanted to play with it and have fun. So, my grandfather purchased a small one for him. I have it hanging in my house today. My grand-aunt told me about the friends she made. There were happy stories and sad stories. One particular was one of fear and anger. My great-grandfather was with the family in camp. He was a Sunday school teacher at the Methodist church my family belonged to. While in camp, officials came and took him away in the middle of the night. No explanation was given. The officials suspected he was helping the enemy, Japan. He spoke very little English. For 5 days, my grandfather and the rest of the family feared for his safety. They and other friends wrote a letter to their pastor, asking for assistance in getting my great-grandfather released. The pastor responded by stating the church would not get involved. It was then my grandfather chose to let go of his faith in religion and our family stopped church ties. Thankfully, my great-grandfather was returned to the family, but it made a horrible impression that stayed with everyone forever. Both my grandparents spoke to me about all the things they had to sell and get rid of before being taken from their home. They could only take one suitcase and whatever they could carry. Somehow, my grandfather managed to take in a camera. We have some photos of my father as a young boy because of that camera. My grandfather told me about how he lied about having experience in farming and irrigation so he could leave camp to work on a farm part-time. He and friends he made in camp would take a bus or train to a nearby farm hear the camp Heart Mountain in Wyoming. He laughed and said, "We didn't know a god damned thing about irrigation. But we sure as hell learned!" I had asked my grandparents if they would ever want to visit the campsite or the Japanese Heritage Museum where they had a barrack on display. The answer was always, "No." Simply, yet stern. I never asked why, but knew in my heart there was so much feeling of shame and resentment for what happened to them. My father would grow up and serve in the US Army, despite how our government treated him and his family. And every year for Veterans' Day and Memorial Day, my grandfather would proudly display an American flag on our front porch. The resilience and respect he had amazed me. This was all part of my family heritage and my country's history. The concern and fear it may happen again brings this series of events back to the public's awareness and I just wanted to share our part.