My heart....

A year ago, April 19th, 2013, I lost the love of my life/husband/best friend to an extensive battle with cancer. It was a long, hard fight...longer than we expected being originally given a 2 year life expectancy...but Mark was a fighter...stubborn and determined. He refused to give up. The 3 1/2 year challenge we faced together brought us closer, in a way I never thought possible. I became a nurse, advocate, chauffeur, personal shopper, chef, accountant and guardian all rolled into one. The last few weeks of quality life we had together were wonderful. We talked about what we loved about the life we shared....what we hated...what we hoped for the immediate future and what we feared. My fondest memories were the times we traveled, laughed and loved. The worst were the times we struggled financially, were faced with fertility issues and dealt with loss. My hopes for the future were to see my love out of pain and home from the hospital, which is ultimately what we got. My greatest fear  was being alone in the world. Mark reassured me I would never truly be alone. He promised he would always be watching over me if he could. He told me when I was ready, to date and be happy...and find love again. He confided in my best friend, a day before he died, that he was happy with the life he had lived...even with the negatives. He said, "I had a good life." The last year has been one of so many ups and downs for me. There were days I did not want to get out of bed. There were hours spent crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I am thankful those days are in the past. I spend most days happy now. I smile and find joy in the little things that make life special. I started writing again. I fulfill my passion for gardening and cooking. I have discovered an adventurous side of me I  did not know existed. I have embraced who I am for the first time in my life. I have met new people and made new friends from all different walks of life. I have dated and put myself out there in the world. And I have learned that I'm not alone and never will be alone. There is a place in my heart that will always belong to Mark. And the rest is for me...to protect or to share with those I trust. I am experiencing life again and know what I want from it. I am happy with who I am and proud of my little piece of the earth I call my home. I fall more in love with myself on a daily basis...and I feel fortunate to have had a wonderful marriage/life with a man who taught me to see life as good, even when it's bad. To appreciate the little things that make you happy, no matter how meaningless they may seem. To tell the ones you care about how you feel, when you have the opportunity because you never know when your opportunities will all be gone. To love those around you and be happy with just being alive. I miss you, Mark. I think about you every day and know I'm a better person because I had you in my life to teach and guide me.