I miss my pop...

I lost you 24 years ago today. It seems like it just happened. I remember the day so clearly...I came home from being out with friends. You went to lay down. Mom came home from being out at her best friend's house. Glen was at work. Mom and I decided to watch a movie...she fell asleep on the couch. I told her to go to bed, we'd finish watching the movie another time. She lazily walked to the bedroom where you were already asleep. I took my shower and went to bed. It was about 11:30pm. I remember hearing mom yell for me...her voice had fear in it. I ran to your bedroom and saw you holding your chest, trying to sit up. Mom told me to call an ambulance and helped you lay back down. It seemed like the seconds were minutes and the minutes were hours. I traded places with mom and put her on the phone so I could do CPR. You were laying on the bed, motionless. When I looked in your eyes, they were dilated and blank. You gasped a few times, but only exhaled. The operator walked me through breathing and chest compressions. I tried...but in my heart, I knew you were already gone. When the paramedics arrived, I tried to comfort mom. She was hysterical. We watched them inject you with needles. We watched the paddles charge and press on your chest, making your whole body convulse...but you didn't respond. My heart was slowly breaking. I remember following the ambulance to the hospital and waiting in a cold room until the doctor came to give us the news that we already knew. I remember calling Glen at work and having to tell him you were gone.

You always taught us to be fair. Not to judge people by the color of their skin or where they lived. You taught me to learn to take things apart and figure out why they didn't work or how they worked. You taught me to live each day like it's your last. You taught me to appreciate humor and laughter every day. You taught me how to drive. Through you and mom, I learned to love and the importance of family.

I hate that I've lived without you for over half my life now. I wanted you to be there to see me graduate from college. But because I lost you, I got into the funeral business and met Mark. I wanted you to walk me down the aisle when we got married. I wanted you to comfort me when I lost him to cancer. I wanted you to be there for mom when she lost her mom and sister. I wanted to be there for you when we lost auntie, grandpa and grandma. I want you to be here now, to meet David and his kids. To enjoy retirement and technology. The trips to Kathy and Phil's, barbecuing, Vegas, fixing computers and cars. Watching Morgan and Justin grow up into such great young men. See Glen get married to a wonderful woman.

In my heart, I know you are here. I think of you every day and I see so much of you in our family. I've fallen in love with two men in my life...both have so many qualities and traits that remind me of you. I miss you.