A Small Victory

Today we had a small victory...we won our appeal in court for Mark's SSI/disability benefits. We have been fighting for these benefits for the last two years, since his short term state disability ended after he stopped working. It boggles the mind how the "system" works for or against certain people and why it takes so long for someone who needs/deserves benefits to get them. I know firsthand how difficult it is to go through the maze of paperwork...forms, doctor reports, work status updates, etc. having gone through disability when I had carpal tunnel syndrome several years ago. For Mark, we did everything we were supposed to do. We got doctor reports, filled out forms, went to the Social Security office for an interview. And for some reason, they denied the claim, stating that he was in workable condition....how in the hell do they expect someone who is going through chemotherapy, requiring 30+ restroom visits a day, on multiple pain management medications, etc. to work a "normal" 8 hour day, be able to concentrate on that work AND be able to drive to and from work. Pain meds cause side effects...some of them major, like drowsiness, hallucinations, foggy head. Not to mention the chemo side effects of nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, lightheadedness, body aches, dizziness, neuropathy, fatigue...the list goes on. Yet the person who reviewed his case denied it? Then sent it off for a secondary review and denied it again?? I know people who are on disability...some need to be but some do not. How can someone justify they cannot work because of pain but can go on shopping sprees and stand all night at a night club or concert? What about someone who claims to have mental anguish from being fired but can sit all day at a casino and play Black Jack? But someone who has been fighting cancer for 3 years, is in constant pain, has weight loss because he has no appetite, who has been in ER twice in a month span because of dehydration from night sweats and diarrhea is expected to work? We contacted the Cancer Legal Resource Center of Los Angeles. It is a wonderful organization that provides free advice and guidance for cancer patients to work their way through the confusing system. We were given a referral for an attorney who specializes in disability cases. We were blessed to find an attorney who genuinely feels compassion for their clients and encouraged us to appeal. Our first court date was scheduled back in July...July 3rd to be exact. We were scheduled to appear at 11 am in West Los Angeles, a nice 1 1/2 hour drive in morning traffic. We received a phone call that morning at 8 am to tell us our case was being rescheduled because an official was not going to be in the office that day...in other words, someone decided they wanted an extended 4th of July weekend. So, we rescheduled and here we are today. We were fortunate the "medical expert" they had phone in from Oregon understood Mark's condition and the severity of side effects. Not only the cancer but the heart condition as well. Should be a no brainer, right? It should not have taken us this long...and we still have to wait a month before we see any benefits. The good news is, the battle is over. The great news is they will retro-pay the time lost since we applied. With all the ugliness in the world, I finally got a glimpse of the system working. One that does good for people who need and deserve benefits. I feel like today shined a little glimmer of hope that the "system" works and will continue to work so our futures don't have to seem so hopeless.

A death is a death....or is it?

My grandmother passed away on August 7th. It was an expected event, after spending weeks in a rehabilitation hospital fighting infection...We had a double burial at Rose Hills Memorial Park, she and my grandfather (who passed July 30, 2010 and who's cremains stayed with us at home) were buried together, along side their son (my dad who passed October 6, 1990) and my grandfather's sister (who passed June 13, 2006). It was a bittersweet moment in my life...I've devoted the last 6 years to caring for my grandparents and grandaunt. And the last two years have been a battle with grandma, who had difficulty asking for or admitting she needed help and never showed her appreciation for me. While I'm glad she is no longer suffering, I am also relieved to be able to reclaim my life as my own and do what I need to do for myself and my husband, who is battling cancer.  When I lost my auntie back in June of this year, it hit me like a truck. It was unexpected, out of the blue. I could not stop myself from crying and feeling an emptiness in my heart that I had never felt in my life. I'll admit, I sometimes listen to voice mails she left me months ago...just to hear her sweet voice again. I was blessed to have a big support group of close friends and family...even my virtual family of Facebook friends. I received more flowers and hugs than I could ever ask for. Cards came in the mail just about every day. Phone calls, texts and emails were sent...I felt surrounded by love and comfort. We had over 400 people attend a beautiful ceremony with video tributes, flowers galore and a white dove release at the end.  But with my grandmother, it was a different story. She was 98...most of her family is already gone, sad to say. She had told us she wanted simplicity when it came to her service, so we requested no flowers. It was short and simple, just as requested. But I wasn't prepared for the difference in how the death itself was treated. Very few cards came. Relatives sent beautiful planters to the house and a dear friend brought a lovely plant in person. Another friend sent a monetary offering...keeping an endearing Japanese tradition alive, which I adore her for doing so. A loving cousin text and emailed several times the days leading to and after the service...she is still doing so, which is why I love her too! But the circle of love and support I've come to depend on in my time of need didn't seem to develop on as grand a scale this time around. And no, I'm not fishing for sympathy. I'm not angry that we didn't have a large turn out for the service. I'm simply trying to understand and educate people, my readers, on the topic of death. In working in the funeral business in the past, I've now been on both sides of the coin. And I've learned more as a mourner than I did as a funeral director. Every death is significant. It doesn't matter if it is stillborn child, a convicted murderer or a victim of an accident. Each person who dies leaves someone behind. Someone misses that person, the daily interaction...even the bad times they had with them. The tradition of sending stamps with a thank you card to people who have sent monetary or floral gifts is a Japanese American custom. It is a token gift as a sign of appreciation from the family and a way of saying, "Please continue to stay in touch by use of these stamps." It's beautiful and touching, a way to reach out to others not to forget those who are left behind after a death. A friend in the medical field once told me that cancer survivors usually go through a depression after they complete therapy. They become used to seeing doctors, nurses and others as a weekly routine. Suddenly, once they are cured, they've lost that circle of support. They are no longer asked on a regular basis, "How are you? What can I do for you?" That amount of personal attention is suddenly gone. It's the same way when someone passes away. Funerals are about the survivors, not the deceased. Once the casket is in the ground, the flowers have wilted and the thank you cards have been sent, it's not over. I guess what I'm saying is, please continue to show support and love to a family. Be there for them, in whatever capacity you can and that they need. Because a death of any sort is still a death.

A touchy subject...

What would you want done to save/extend your life it you were to end up in a situation where you were unable to talk or speak for yourself? Would you want to be resuscitated? Would you want a machine to breathe or pump blood for you? Would you want liquefied food forced into your stomach by a tube down your throat? Would you want a stranger's blood put into your veins? We all know this is a touchy subject, but it is one that must be discussed. Yes, it's a difficult conversation to have, but such an important one. My grandmother is in a skilled nursing facility. Her little 68 lb body is failing her. Her vitals are good one day and terrible the next. I get phone calls on a daily basis from doctors and nurses updating me on her status. And the questions are rolling in one by one....should they do a blood transfusion, hook up oxygen, etc. etc. My grandparents were wise and prepared Advance Care Directives....yes, it was a blessing they did this. We know what their wishes are and how to carry them out. But there are details that need to be sorted out regardless. Do not resuscitate...that is a specific request. But what about oxygen? Blood transfusion? Feeding tube? They are difficult decisions to be made, it has not been easy at all. On the one hand, she is feisty...a fighter. But on the other hand, she is frail, 98 years old and has lost her will to live. I have the peace of mind knowing my husband and I have had these discussions...there isn't much doubt to what either of us would want if we were in this situation. My dear Auntie who passed away in June had discussed not wanting life support at dinner the night she ended up in the hospital unconscious. What a comfort for her family to decide what to do when given the difficult decision to make about whether or not to keep her on life support. It's almost as if she knew something might be happening to her. Eerie, but a blessing in disguise. I suppose this is similar to the debate of when life begins, as far as being for or against abortion. What constitutes as life support? We all need oxygen, nutrients, water...but what about pain relief? My main concern is that my grandmother is not in pain. She tells us she is not (when she is coherent). That brings me peace. For myself, I would want to go when it's my time, without machines and tubes, but in comfort and peace. And yes, I need to put this all in writing (like here on my blog) and I have expressed these wishes. My advice to my friends is to discuss this....death is a part of life, it's inevitable. But shouldn't we be able to direct those we love in a way to fulfill our last wishes? Like pre-planning a funeral, or at least discussing with someone what you want done with your body/remains.And it is best to have it put in writing so those we leave behind are not in doubt.  Maybe the years of working in the funeral industry has "hardened" me off on the subject of death and dying, but it's easier to enjoy life and living knowing your wishes are known and will be carried out. And knowing it will be easier for the ones we leave behind to cope and recover from the loss of someone they loved. And that is my wish for all who read, my friends, family and even strangers who take the time to read my thoughts...discuss your wishes :)

Love came scratching at my door...

Sunday July 1st was like any other Sunday...quiet at home, sunny outside. A friend and her husband had stopped by to eat lunch while their kids were at Kung Fu practice. We had a nice, quick visit out on the patio in the shade. A couple hours after they left, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner...spaghetti. As I stood at the stove to drain the spaghetti, I noticed a flash of black jump up on the kitchen porch and sit next to the door. At first glance I thought it was our cat Murphy til it dawned on me, Murphy is not solid black. I yelled, "Hey, who are you?", thinking it was a stray cat. To my surprise, the little critter turned around, scratched at the door and barked at me...it was a puppy, an adorable black/brown (dark chocolate) lab. I yelled for Mark to come to the kitchen, opened the door and invited the visitor in. At first he semi growled and barked but then inched his way into the house (piddling urine on the floor, of course). I picked him up and was greeted with licks and sad puppy dog eyes. It was love at first sight! :) We immediately looked around the neighborhood for anyone searching for a dog. There were no posters, signs, etc. I checked websites, Craig's List, but nothing. I posted announcements and waited 10 days, but no claimers. We took "Buster" the Lab to be checked for a microchip and was told he did not have one. We were then offered a free health check up. We were officially parents of a healthy 17.8 lb 3 1/2 month old Lab mix. He is spunky, affectionate and as sweet as can be. On a day I was truly missing my Auntie (her birthday is July 4th) it was like he was sent from wherever he came from to comfort us and give us something to love. He even resembles George, the lab mix Hiroko had years ago, who she lost when her and her then boyfriend broke up. She adored that dog and was saddened when he was shipped away to live on a farm in Japan.

Luci, our cocker spaniel, had passed in April of 2007. Mark and I had discussed getting another dog, but felt we weren't ready nor was the house with 2 cats and an ailing grandmother. With grandma safely placed in a care facility, it was the ideal time to give dog ownership another try. We brought out our previous dog's toys and bedding, which Buster immediately took to as his own. The cats have put him in his place, hissing and swatting at him when he gets to close or bothersome. He knows this is their house and he is merely a new sibling/addition. And although I forgot how much work a puppy can be, he is a joy to have around the house. He gives us a reason to get up early for potty breaks and it has been easy to settle into a routine for dinner and nap times. I am fortunate to be able to be home most of the time to help ease him into house training. He did attempt escape the first time left alone for an extended period of time...by scratching out the kitchen window screen and jumping to freedom. However, when we returned home and entered the house, he heard the door close and came running to the front door to be let in. And this past Wednesday, we were expecting chaos when we got home from an 8 hour day at chemo treatment, but my loving mom came by to "babysit" with Buster. We were thrilled to find the kitchen was not destroyed and my mom and Buster napping out on the patio. I have already learned a few things...puppy teeth hurt, steam cleaners are a miracle when it comes to potty accidents on carpet, never buy dog food or treats with "cartoon dogs" on the labels and a loving pet can mend a broken heart. The pain of losing a loved one is something that can take a lot of time to heal, BUT the unconditional love of a little critter who will sleep by your side all night (while slowing nudging you off to one side of the bed...a California King sized bed, mind you!), lick your face and hands when he wants to show love, and give you the opportunity to love something and care for it from the moment you wake up in the morning til the time you lay down for sleep...all of these things give your the opportunity to heal your pains and allow you to smile again. That's what happens when love comes scratching at your door. :)

Heaven has a new angel.

Today I lost someone very near and dear to my heart. My auntie Hiroko (known as Kim to close friends) passed away after suffering a stroke. Family and friends gathered at the hospital to be at her side and say their final farewells. She was surrounded by loved ones right to the end.
Hiroko was my favorite of aunts, one of two who I affectionately called auntie. As a child, I looked forward to her visits and sleep overs. I remember going on shopping trips for back to school clothes, jewelry when I first got my ears pierced and my first pair of high heeled shoes. Auntie is the one who started my passion for jewelry, purses and clothes. She was a friend, more like a sister...someone I could confide in with confidence and trust. She was my hairdresser from a young age, after a botched bang trimming my mom performed. She never judged me when I came in with my failed attempts at streaking/coloring or cutting my own hair. She patiently curled my "mop-head" of hair on my wedding day, telling me how happy she was that I had found a wonderful man who she thought was perfect match for me. I remember going out for breakfast one morning with my auntie and mom. I had just gotten a phone that played music and had her listen to Michael Buble's "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine." She looked at me and asked, "Who is THAT? That is mine and Leonard's song!" She became an instant fan and went to several of his concerts in the years to follow. Every time his songs came on the radio, she would yell, "Michael! Michael! Michael!" Just recently I had told her I was going to a Duran Duran concert in August...she was excited and happy for me, remember how much I loved them when I was 12. She told me, "Bring the program so I can see their pictures. I hope Nick is still the same and Simon is as cute as ever." The best thing about my beautiful auntie's personality is the way her face would light up anytime you brought up her husband Leonard or her son Justin...she was truly a proud wife and mom. Leonard and Justin were the loves of her life, her everything.She adored hearing Leonard sing Karaoke and watching him perform magic tricks. She was so proud of all and every accomplishment Justin achieved in school and in life. Justin's girlfriend Nancy became the daughter she always wanted, There is not a single person in the world that would have anything bad to say about my auntie. She was truly a wonderful, loving person with a kind, beautiful soul. Her zest for life was inspirational and her laughter was contagious. I already feel an empty place in my heart and miss her like I've never missed anyone before. But it brings peace to my heart and soul knowing I have another angel in heaven looking down and watching over me. I love you, Auntie.

Bountiful garden

Mark and I have been doing some major gardening the last several weeks to beautify and simplify the gardening season. This year's vegetable crop started off a little late, as the unexpected rain we had a few months ago found it's way to the stash of seeds I had on my potting table. I was disappointed to discover soaked seed envelopes. The thin layer of waterproof lining simply melted away in each envelope, resulting in a glue like substance. I lost some sweet basil and parsley seeds, but was able to dry out most of the remaining in the sunlight we were blessed to have after the rain. Section one consists of green and yellow beans, cucumber, butter lettuce and volunteer tomatoes. Section two includes spinach, unknown melon or squash volunteer sprouting, more tomatoes and green beans. Mark loves green beans, so they are prepped and frozen for future use :) In the main garden I've planted some seedlings purchased from the store...bell pepper, squash, Mr. Stripey orange and yellow striped tomato and a black cherry tomato. In the corner of the garden, where corn grew last year thanks to some messy birds eating at our feeder, I have planted two varieties of blueberry bushes. My goal is to make fresh blueberry muffins, pies and tarts next year. I had time/energy to transplant strawberries to some hanging baskets since a rodent somehow found my strawberry planters and devoured the first few berries. And I have placed several hydrangea plants in the ground along our fence off to one side of the yard. I am looking forward to having several varieties to cut blossom clusters to decorate the house this fall. We have started a rose garden in the front and back yards. The front consists of a very fragrant yellow and pink rose my grandfather planted years ago. I've added two pink and red hybrid called Dick Clark, a lovely peach one named Peace, a bright yellow Gold Medal and a shocking pink called Perfume Delight. Soon, when our wooden arch is reinforced, I will be adding two red and yellow variegated ones called Climbing Pinata. I've discovered a gorgeous purple and lavender variegated variety called Purple Tiger and a pink and orange variegated called Party Hearty. They will grace the back yard, probably near the avocado tree I planted for grandpa, which is bearing fruit like crazy this year. Mom gave us a raspberry vine, which is very happy along our fence in the back. Mark and I have both been able to enjoy some berries. And we just planted the beginning of the Miki-Chiavaroli vineyard...2 Thompson, Red and Black seedless grape plants each...they will be trained to grow up our patio support beams and allowed to hang gracefully over the years to come. Mulch has become Mark's new best friend, as he has dug up the majority of our weed infested "lawn" out front and covered it with weed fabric and brown wood mulch...a little at a time as his health allows, but it is starting to look like a finished yard for the first time in years. It's a thrill to see him walk out to the front yard and look at it with pride and show it off to visitors. I do the same with the back vegetable and fruit orchard. The best part is to sit in the patio with a glass of wine or bowl of ice cream and just sit back, relax and enjoy the view and ambiance. Thank you, Mother Nature :)

Catch up

This past week was catch up time for me. Mark's parents were in town for a few days and we got to visit, sight see, entertain and bond. We had a wonderful night out at the Magic Castle, courtesy of uncle and his membership. Such a great evening of excellent food and awesome magic tricks. I highly recommend the tempura Portobello mushrooms and the New York strip steak...soooooo good! We were able to get mom out of the house for the night too, which made it a wonderful early mother's day celebration. Of course mom spent that night and the next few days trying to figure out how certain tricks were done.I'm sure she'll be spending many hours trying to figure them out! I got to spend a day at home having lunch with mom-in-law while Mark and his dad spent a day out looking at cars and scooters at the Petersen Museum and eating hot dogs at Pink's. Mom and I sat in the patio, enjoying the garden eating a salad made of homegrown greens, cucumber and tomato as we chatted and caught up on each other's lives. I also had the pleasure of seeing a high school friend visiting from out of state. We managed to get a little group of friends together at a friend's restaurant for a night of drinks, food and great conversation. It was great to hear about every one's spouses, kids and lives. It was also great to be among my circle of friends....my support group...to talk about Mark and his upcoming treatments. I sometimes forget how important it is to talk about certain things with other people to help clear my mind and refresh. Sometimes it's nice to be out of the house and among my peers :) And today, we got to spend some time with my cousin and his wife visiting from Colorado...had a great lunch and got to show off the garden of veggies and recently planted roses, which are in full bloom. It's always great to have the extended family members "home" for a visit. I guess I also forgot how much fun it is to entertain and bond with people, especially those I love and care for so much. Everyone should take some time out from the craziness of everyday life to relax, refresh and reboot :D

What we do for love

This last week, I have heard so many kind words of encouragement and support while getting Mark through and recovered from surgery. I've been told I'm amazing, inspiring and devoted. I think to myself..."I'm just doing what anyone should do for the person they love." And while I truly appreciate what I've heard, it makes me stop to think..."What else would I do? Why wouldn't I go to visit my spouse at the hospital, walk with him down the halls of his ward/nursing unit, drive through traffic and keep him company while he recovers?" Wouldn't everyone else do the same? What do other people do for love? I have been fortunate to have the opportunity of not having to work and be able to stay home and take care of family members. I am very lucky to have that luxury. It saddens me when I hear friends talk about the things they "have to do" for their family, their loved ones. "I have to take so and so to practice." "I have to spend time with the in-laws." "I have to drive through traffic hour to take the spouse to an appointment because she can't drive herself." How sad...I feel blessed to be able to do things for my loved ones (so long as it's appreciated and not taken for granted). But there are so many other things I will do for love. I would move if I had to...I've had two dear friends move from "home" here in Southern California to start a life with the one they love. I am so happy for both of them. One of them has a beautiful home and is able to work from home. She and her husband are going to give their children a beautiful, wonderful life, because she made the choice to move away to a small town. My other dear friend moved away, with his few belongings, no set job or place to live and now has a fulfilling life. He and his spouse share a lovely home and have great jobs. He is also able to be affectionate in public with the man he loves because he is in a city that is accepting, the way it should be. There are so many things people will do for love...leave their families and friends, quit a job and move far away. Or it can be something simple like giving away the last bite of ice cream because you know how much your mate loves it. Maybe opening a door for someone, filling their gas tank or sharing a silly joke. Maybe people don't do enough and that's why it seems "amazing" and "incredible" when people hear of someone actually going out of their way for someone else? Makes me think of the Meatloaf song, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that..." Hmm...what "that" would you not be willing to do? ;)

Little things mean a lot.

So, this being a very difficult week in our lives with Mark having surgery and a hospital stay, I've learned the lesson that little things mean a lot. My close circle of friends and loved ones, my true family, will ask me "How are you? How is Mark doing? How are YOU doing?" usually in that order...and I know they really want to know the answer, they're not just saying it as a formality. It's such a simple, short little question..."How are you?" and it means the world to a person who is going through something difficult. Just a quick text of a smiley face or heart can make a person's day. The kindness of strangers can make a world of difference when you're going through a tough phase. When I arrived at the hospital today, I helped a family find their way to the check in desk...not an easy task at Kaiser Sunset Medical Center. You have to take the elevator from the front entrance or parking structure to the second floor, navigate your way through a twisting hallway to the main hospital. The very pregnant wife in the family kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I cannot walk faster. You are very kind." I had to go there myself, why wouldn't I help show them the way? Mark's hospital food delivery person asked him tonight, "How are you feeling today, sir?" And I know she truly wanted to know. When Mark told her he was feeling okay, she said, "Well you get better sir. God bless." It took all but 2 minutes for a brief little conversation to take place, but it struck a chord in my heart that I will likely never forget. In the tradition of "pass it on" I thanked the custodian when he emptied the trash bin. He looked perplexed at first (probably something that never occurs, being thanked for doing his job), then smiled and said, "Oh, you are very welcome. Have a good night!" I even joked with the parking lot attendant about the ridiculous parking fees raised from $5 a day to $15...I asked if he was getting a raise to go with it. He said no, but had a good laugh about it. On my way home, I stopped in at a local take out food place and saw a lady attempting to buy dinner. She was 35 cents short...so I gave her the balance...she was thrilled and so thankful. She hugged me. So much for so little...it made my day. I sent a dear friend's son a personalized handmade birthday card. My friend told me he was so excited and kept staring at it asking, "She made this for me?" Again, so much for so little. Who could put a price on a child's smile and happiness? So, I guess what I'm saying is, fill your life with the little joys that make you happy and make others happy. Let someone know you're thinking about them, love them and care about them. Everyone deserves a little something in life to smile about, right?

Girlfriends...and a special boyfriend!

Last night I had the opportunity to spend time with my close girlfriends. These are the kind of friends everyone needs in their lives. The ones that can make you laugh about almost anything...including failed relationships, sexual experiences and even fighting cancer. They are the people who know you best in life...your likes, dislikes (not just the ones you post on Facebook) and take time to listen to your emotional outbursts, whatever the subject may be. They are the people you can cry with, who will hold your hand, rub your back and tell you things are going to get better. The kind of friends you can talk about sex toys, onion dip and menstrual cramps all in the same hour. They are your true soul mates who could never be replaced in your life...and no matter how far the distance between you physically, they are always near and dear to your heart. Although we may not see or talk to each other as often as we'd like, they never seem to age and change like so many things around us. I have been blessed in my life to have many dear girlfriends....and a very special boyfriend (whom I now call my brother). Most are from my schoolgirl days...a few from work experiences and through mutual acquaintances. However they have come into my life, I am grateful they are here. When life brings about wonderful, happy moments they are the ones I share with...the graduations, first date experiences, bridal and baby showers, weddings. And when the ugly, lowest times in my life occur, broken relationships, job losses, illness and deaths, they are the ones I depend on most for love, support and words of encouragement. Our discussions at last night's gathering were quite diverse: work, family, sex, food, religion and faith (and lack of), stress and love. Sometimes staying in on a Saturday night is much more fun than hitting a bar or club or whatever. It was time for bonding, drinking, eating and sharing our souls...feeding our souls. It made me realize how much our inner child desires to belong to a group, how much we want a family we've created out of people we actually want to be around and spend time with. And although our lives take us in different directions, either because of family, work and just life itself, we always manage to end up together when the need is there. Sometimes "girls' night out/in" is exactly what we need to find ourselves, remember who we are and why we do what we do. If you can measure a person's wealth by the friends they have and the people they love, then by far I am a rich girl! But I'm still planning on buying a lotto ticket or two this week...$356 million couldn't hurt, right?

They happen in 3's

Last week my mom and I had 3 funerals to attend in one week. These funerals were very different from one another...parts were in Spanish or Chinese, honoring the different cultures. One included symbolic mementos from a Yaqui Indian heritage, another had the USC fight song played as part of the tribute. It was beautiful to see the different ways my friends paid tribute to their dads/grandpa. It was moving to hear the relatives speak with love, respect and honor about the wonderful man in their life they had lost. It was tear jerking to see the reaction of the guests when they saw the many photos of loved ones in happier times. But the funerals were also a dose of reality, reminding me that any of us could go at anytime and we must cherish each and every day we are given. And I am reminded what a big part "death" is in our lives. It's something we all face and must deal with at some point in our lives. And it's something we should all think about and discuss with our friends and loved ones. No one should die without some kind of plan. I'm not talking about a pre-paid entire funeral plan with burial plot chosen...I'm talking about what would you want your final resting place to be? How do you want people to pay tribute to you? How do you want to be remembered? I already know where I am going to be...Rose Hills, with the rest of my family. I want something simple...no need for a big service....some pretty flowers : springy, colorful and cheery. Some cool music : just pop on my ipod, it would be the best bet. The most important part would be friends...lots and lots of friends. And not to sit or stand around crying...but smiling, laughing and sharing stories with one another. I don't want people talking about a life full of regrets. I try my best to do the things I want to do that make me happy, and would want that reflected at my funeral.

How do you know?

Last night I spent 2 1/2 hours in the ER waiting room after my grams fell and bumped her head. Luckily, Mark and I were home (although we had talked about going out of town for an escape) and got to her just after the fall. There was a good amount of blood loss. The paramedics were kind and after explaining to them how stubborn grams can be (despite how much she insisted she could walk) lifted and carried her out to the front porch where a gurney was waiting. Our wonderfully designed ancient house has narrow hallways with sharp turns, making wheelchair and gurney maneuvering impossible! This is grams 3rd fall incident in 3 months. She blames everything and everyone for her ailments. From the "God Damned Doctors" and "stupid medications" to furniture and doorways. Never once does she blame herself for not hydrating enough during the day...she drinks all of 3 small caffeinated cups of tea total for the day. Nor does she think about the fact that she takes Vicodin, which she has had bad reaction to in the past. Her excuse? "Well, I thought maybe this time it would be different." So, at what point is it that a caretaker knows when it's time to hand over a patient to professionals? How do you convince someone they are no longer able to take care of themselves and you are no longer able to give them the type of care they want/need? How do you know? If it's when you're functioning on 3-4 hours of sleep at night, crankier than the worst PMS-ing bitch in the world, worrying every time you leave the house that you'll come home to either a dead person or a burnt down pile of rubble, and suffering through sciatic nerve pain because you don't want to take strong meds that make you drowsy..I am waaaaaay past that point. How does one justify not following through to a dying wish from your grandfather to please take care of his wife of 70 years for them when they're gone? How do you step up and decide to "send someone away" against their will? How? I've had to make difficult decisions in my life...quitting a job I love to take on other obligations, putting down a sick animal to end it's suffering. It is so much easier to take the quick way out of a situation...pay someone else to do it, let someone else take care of it. But what about the internal battle your conscience is having with your sanity? The devil on one shoulder fighting with the angel on the other? Listening to reason rather than your heart? That is something I will soon have to figure out. Comments are welcome!! I need all the support/input I can get this time!

A Thief Among Us

This morning, as I lay in bed....sound asleep after a late night of chatting on line with friends, I was rudely awaken by the sound of concrete shattering on the ground near my driveway. I jumped up out of bed as I heard a truck barrel down the street, but was not able to see anything through the windows. Mark got up and went outside to see one of our beautfiul 20+ year old succulents and it's pot smashed on the ground of our driveway...apparently a victim of an attempted theft. Who in the world steals a potted plant at 4 in the morning in Monterey Park? Several months ago an black, rought iron pagoda deocration (broken with a missing foot) disappeared from our yard....we assume one of the local "metal collectors" who scavenge our neighborhood on Tuesdays, the day before trash day, spotted it out. The disappointing thing is it was my grandfathers...it was very old and it can never be replaced. All for a few bucks at the metal recycle center. And now the concrete pot that held the succulent is shattered and in the garbage can. It too cannot be replaced, being bought probably some 30 years ago from a neighbor/friend who is long gone. It's not the first time things have been taken from my or my family. Sad to say, it's most definitely not the last either. The first Christmas after my dad passed away, my mom made a beautiful wreath out of tree trimmings...all decked out with some of our ornaments, ribbons/bows and pine cones. We took it to my dad's grave...it lasted less than a day. Hours later, when a relative went to visit dad's grave, it was gone...probably at someone's house decorating their front door or hallway. Bad karma to anyone who steals from a grave! And my mom has had potted plants disappear from her front porch...usually around Mother's Day. Double bad karma/bachi for giving your mom/grandma something that is stolen!! So Mark spent the morning moving our other potted plants to the back yard where they will only be admired by us and those invited to our yard. It is sad to think your own neighborhood is not safe enough to place plant life in your own yard and not have to worry about bolting it down to the foundation. What's next? My wind chimes on the porch? The chair and table we have on the porch for rest and relaxation? Will I have to start unhooking the watering hose and bring it indoors every night or lock it up in the garage? I guess I should be thankful it wasn't something of extreme value like a car, TV or pet, but it still gives me an uneasy feeling that someone has the nerve to come into my yard and take something. Like my grandfather used to say, "God dang it, what is this world coming to?"