Friday, February 17, 2012
How do you know?
Last night I spent 2 1/2 hours in the ER waiting room after my grams fell and bumped her head. Luckily, Mark and I were home (although we had talked about going out of town for an escape) and got to her just after the fall. There was a good amount of blood loss. The paramedics were kind and after explaining to them how stubborn grams can be (despite how much she insisted she could walk) lifted and carried her out to the front porch where a gurney was waiting. Our wonderfully designed ancient house has narrow hallways with sharp turns, making wheelchair and gurney maneuvering impossible! This is grams 3rd fall incident in 3 months. She blames everything and everyone for her ailments. From the "God Damned Doctors" and "stupid medications" to furniture and doorways. Never once does she blame herself for not hydrating enough during the day...she drinks all of 3 small caffeinated cups of tea total for the day. Nor does she think about the fact that she takes Vicodin, which she has had bad reaction to in the past. Her excuse? "Well, I thought maybe this time it would be different." So, at what point is it that a caretaker knows when it's time to hand over a patient to professionals? How do you convince someone they are no longer able to take care of themselves and you are no longer able to give them the type of care they want/need? How do you know? If it's when you're functioning on 3-4 hours of sleep at night, crankier than the worst PMS-ing bitch in the world, worrying every time you leave the house that you'll come home to either a dead person or a burnt down pile of rubble, and suffering through sciatic nerve pain because you don't want to take strong meds that make you drowsy..I am waaaaaay past that point. How does one justify not following through to a dying wish from your grandfather to please take care of his wife of 70 years for them when they're gone? How do you step up and decide to "send someone away" against their will? How? I've had to make difficult decisions in my life...quitting a job I love to take on other obligations, putting down a sick animal to end it's suffering. It is so much easier to take the quick way out of a situation...pay someone else to do it, let someone else take care of it. But what about the internal battle your conscience is having with your sanity? The devil on one shoulder fighting with the angel on the other? Listening to reason rather than your heart? That is something I will soon have to figure out. Comments are welcome!! I need all the support/input I can get this time!
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hi jenn...
ReplyDeletei am truly sorry you are having to go through this. first of all, you are a wonderful woman and human being. although, i don't know the conversation/discussions you had with your grandfather, "please take care of his wife" could mean in the best way possible whether directly by you or with your oversight of a trained professional.
it was a difficult decision for my mom and aunts to transfer my grandfather to keiro nursing home because his biggest fear was to die in a cold facility alone. unfortunately, that is what happened; however, no one in my family had the resources, skills and experience to provide him with the 24/7 care he required. i often heard my mom and aunts always measure their decisions against his "quality of life" and what option would provide the best quality of life for him.
sometimes, the individual being cared for no longer has the ability to reasonably assess their situation and identify the best course of action.
only you and your family truly knows when it's time to transfer the responsibilities and duties to professionals.
you have lots of people who love and support you...
xoxo doreen
Jenny...sure do love you.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine came over a few weeks ago. In a nutshell, he's got it all: handsome, single and available, wonderful job, travels first-class for work all the time...and just recently a brain tumor. It was benign, but it had grown into his optic nerve, practically destroying the use of his eye. He had open-skull surgery and is recuperating through a daily schedule of chemo to shrink what is left.
I tell you this, because to be honest, I can tell you what I think. I think it is time that Grams went somewhere for 24 hour care, and I consider this taking good care. Your body cannot handle this and everything else. But what the fuck do I know?
I asked my friend, after all that he's been through, what does he think about and he said, "Vincent...sometimes you have to let things go, and I mean really let things go."
Jenn, you have taken tremendous care of her. You have. You do not have to convince her of anything. That is not your job. Your job as a loving and humane relative is to make the decisions for her, and on her behalf. This is taking care of her. Of course, it won't feel good or easy, but it is time. And then you have to work to really let go of the guilt...and I mean really let go.
Love you more than words can say. I wish I had Harry's wand to help you. Big bear hug, honey.
Vincent
Kind of going through that right now with Mark's mom...there is no easy answer, espeically when they are relatively of sound mind. It's very hard to see someone u love in this condition and it is very hard to be the caregiver. Cultural obligations and familial bonds do not make this an easy decision and only you can make it. On a very selfish level my arguement is that you are only young once. You already are taking care of Mark. You can only do so much and the burn out factor is running very high...is it possible to perhaps have another person come in daily so you might get a respite? That's the only band-aid suggestion I can offer to help you with your decision. We use Huntington Home Care for Mark's mom, they are about 18 bucks an hour which is a tad lower than the going rate...wish I could be of more help but I have an idea of what you're dealing with...
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