The joys of getting older...

Ah, the joys of getting older! I can feel arthritis beginning to settle into my elbows and knees. My a tolerance for certain foods and drinks have diminished...I cannot drink alcohol or milk the way I could in my younger years...speaking of beverages, I think my bladder has shrunken. Nowadays, when I have to go, I have to GO NOW!! My boyfriend has noticed sleep patterns that have probably been present for years, just unnoticed on my own...this has lead to me getting a referral to the sleep center for a Sleep Apnea test in December. I get to be at the hospital I was born at 43 years ago on my birthday!! Yay! At 6:30 in the friggin morning...double YAY! A tooth, my wisdom tooth, cracked and broke during dinner the other night...having that fixed next week. My pre-menopause has been causing sever hot flashes resulting in me stewing in my own sweat at work, at the gym, walking to the car, out shopping....basically anything that causes me to move an inch or two. And my gray hairs are coming in faster than ever, making it almost impossible to keep up with coloring my hair. I used to be able to go 6-8 weeks between colorings. Now it seems more like 3-5 weeks. But alas, I am happy and this is one of the best times of my life. I'm in love, I have a fun part-time job, my house is MY home, the weather is cooling down to sweater/boots weather (yay!) and life is good.

Happy

In recent weeks, I've had several people tell me the same thing..."You look happy." And though I feel like I've been happy for quite a while in my life, I had to stop and think why others have noticed it. I truly believe that your inner feelings show on your face, your actions and can be heard in your tone. So, maybe I've had more happiness in my life lately and I can no longer contain it? I'm not sure. But I do know it makes me even happier to know that my happiness shows and others, especially my mom and close friends, can tell. I've always taken the notion, "Screw what other people think" as a personal motto. But in this case, I'm glad other people think I look happy, because I am. I am happy because I have a lovely home to call my own. I have a wonderful (although small) family and supportive, loving circle of friends I call family. I have a great guy in my life who adores me and makes me feel like I'm the most special person in the world (or at least his world). I have two canine kids that give me all the unconditional love anyone could ever want. I have a job that I love...for the first time in such a long time, I feel good about what I accomplish in a day's work. And even though I hate dumb customers that bother me with questions...and yes, there are such things as dumb questions, the sore feet at the end of the day are worth it.  I have creative freedom and a boss who respects and admires my work. Not many people can say that. And I'm getting happier with me...myself. I love that I have someone who loves me exactly how I am. But for me, I'm trying to get back on track with my diet and exercise. I love summer time because of all the fruits and veggies available, especially from my backyard. The grape vines have been productive and the taste of vine ripened fresh picked grapes is unbelievable. I've been attempting to drink my fill of water everyday, usually with sliced cucumber, ginger and mint leaves. David commented the other day, "This is delicious. How the hell do you do it? Take something perfect like ice cold water and make it even better? Amazing." My love of cooking has been encouraged by someone who loves food/eating ;) And I have a partner in crime to do mystery shopping dinners once again. More fun!! Craft boutique season is approaching soon, so I will start the holiday crafting and open up my Santa's workshop. Mom and I have decided to do every show we can this year and plan on doing one at the house again too. So with this blog entry, I'm sending you a smile and happy thoughts. Be happy!

Busy busy busy...

Oh what a month April and May have been! It has been super busy for me...like, crazy busy!! April kicked off the spring gardening season. Veggie seedlings were planted and roses...so many roses...large and mini. The rose garden is so gorgeous (I have several now). The grapevines sprouted their first clusters of little grapes that have now developed into almost full sized grapes. I cannot wait to taste the first bunch...Mark would be so proud. There are zucchini, green beans, tomatoes galore, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, cucumbers and bell peppers. This year I've added many basil plants, oregano and several hot chili varieties for David (the boyfriend) to enjoy...ghost peppers and habaneros. The dogs kept me busy with chasing lizards, birds and cats through the yard. One particular fight in the beginning of April lead to me breaking up a scuffle between Buster and a neighborhood stray cat. I ended up with gauges on my arm and hands, Buster got a few scratches on his chest and legs, Saydee got a ringside seat to view it all and I'm not sure what ended up happening to the cat. I suffered through a spring cold in mid April, thanks to the boyfriend. He ended up with strep throat, so just a cold was just fine with me. I got to get together with my girls for dinner one night and caught up with a few other friends here and there. I started Chi Gong classes (a mixture of Tai Chi and meditation/stretching exercises. Feels weird being the youngest one in class, average age is about 60, but I am enjoying it and looking forward to taking a Yoga class in the near future. Mom and I did a last minute craft boutique at our Curves gym. It was a lot of rushing to get craft items done, but worth the time and effort. We brought in a total of almost $200 together. Plus it gave us some daughter/mother bonding time. I was able to devote most of my Saturdays getting to know David better and spending quality time with him. He makes me quite happy :) Mom and I were able to get out to the graves for Mother's Day weekend and we celebrated together at my house the day after, with a home cooked dinner waiting for her when she got out of work. I've had the pleasure of being on call for Jury Duty (haven't had to report yet). Not knowing your schedule for the following day until 5pm at night kinda sucks, but I've managed to find things to do to keep me busy, like writing, filling out job applications and getting the house cleaned up for guests (my cousins) coming in from Denver for Glen and Janine's wedding. I've been asked to do name place cards and table number signs for the reception, which will keep me busy during the coming week. The wedding date is almost here and I'm really looking forward to a beautiful day with family, everyone getting to meet David, and sharing the special day with them all. I'm hoping a road trip will be in the plans for June or July, maybe camping someplace local too. Not to mention enjoying all the harvests from the veggie and fruit garden! :D

My heart....

A year ago, April 19th, 2013, I lost the love of my life/husband/best friend to an extensive battle with cancer. It was a long, hard fight...longer than we expected being originally given a 2 year life expectancy...but Mark was a fighter...stubborn and determined. He refused to give up. The 3 1/2 year challenge we faced together brought us closer, in a way I never thought possible. I became a nurse, advocate, chauffeur, personal shopper, chef, accountant and guardian all rolled into one. The last few weeks of quality life we had together were wonderful. We talked about what we loved about the life we shared....what we hated...what we hoped for the immediate future and what we feared. My fondest memories were the times we traveled, laughed and loved. The worst were the times we struggled financially, were faced with fertility issues and dealt with loss. My hopes for the future were to see my love out of pain and home from the hospital, which is ultimately what we got. My greatest fear  was being alone in the world. Mark reassured me I would never truly be alone. He promised he would always be watching over me if he could. He told me when I was ready, to date and be happy...and find love again. He confided in my best friend, a day before he died, that he was happy with the life he had lived...even with the negatives. He said, "I had a good life." The last year has been one of so many ups and downs for me. There were days I did not want to get out of bed. There were hours spent crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I am thankful those days are in the past. I spend most days happy now. I smile and find joy in the little things that make life special. I started writing again. I fulfill my passion for gardening and cooking. I have discovered an adventurous side of me I  did not know existed. I have embraced who I am for the first time in my life. I have met new people and made new friends from all different walks of life. I have dated and put myself out there in the world. And I have learned that I'm not alone and never will be alone. There is a place in my heart that will always belong to Mark. And the rest is for me...to protect or to share with those I trust. I am experiencing life again and know what I want from it. I am happy with who I am and proud of my little piece of the earth I call my home. I fall more in love with myself on a daily basis...and I feel fortunate to have had a wonderful marriage/life with a man who taught me to see life as good, even when it's bad. To appreciate the little things that make you happy, no matter how meaningless they may seem. To tell the ones you care about how you feel, when you have the opportunity because you never know when your opportunities will all be gone. To love those around you and be happy with just being alive. I miss you, Mark. I think about you every day and know I'm a better person because I had you in my life to teach and guide me.

Write.

With the encouragement of several new friends, all some type of writers, I have started putting together a book about my adventures. I have chapter titles, an almost completed intro and title. It's been a while since I was excited about a project I was working on, but this one is really near and dear to my heart. Perhaps it will only become an extended blog, but I am writing and I am loving it. It feels great to get emotions out into words. To be able to read them back and share my thoughts with someone. It can be the simplest thing that inspires me to get to work, but it's usually one of my writer friends asking, "What did you work on today?" The "peer pressure" and encouragement is amazing. And kind words from strangers when I post short stories or excerpts is the most flattering compliment one can receive. Some days, I sit at my desktop and I cannot think of a single sentence to write. Other days, there are words forming thoughts and sentences in my head so quickly, I have trouble getting them down on paper fast enough. Then in the middle of the night, I'll have an explosion of thoughts and have to get up to write. And I seem to only be able to do productive writing if there is music or television on in the background...multitasking ;) The worst is when I'm stuck in traffic and my brain tells me, "Oooh!! Let's write about...." I'm now in the habit of carrying notecards or pads of paper and pen with me everywhere I go...in my purse, my gym bag, the car. My goal is to have things complete by the end of summer. I am hopeful I'll have landed at least a part time job by then, so I'll have less free time to do writing and editing. And I know some of what I write will offend some. Most will find the humor in it. If you've heard some of my stories about online dating, you will appreciate the details and possible photos (with faces blurred out of course). It just seems like it's been a whole lifetime I've lived in the past several months. Oh, such a learning experience it has been! But alas, there have been several wonderful people I have become friends with...a few a little more than friends, which I am so grateful to have in my life. And the singles group I have recently joined is an adventure all on its own that will fill many chapters! My attitude lately has been, "Don't ask questions you really don't want to hear the answers to and don't read what I write if you are easily offended/turned off...don't...just don't." I am blessed to have loving friends who "get it" and support me. I love you guys!...you know who you are ;) I love getting texts from a particular writer friend I'm sort of seeing...he asks, "So, what are the weirdoes in cyber world bothering you with today?" The biggest critics/haters are always the ones who are unhappy with what they've got going on in their lives...or don't have. Life is too short. Do stuff that will make you happy!!

I love it when....

I love it when I wake up in the morning with nothing planned and I get an unexpected phone call from someone anxious to see me and catch up on life. I love it when I feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in someone's arms, without a care in the world and they fall asleep holding me. I love it when someone smiles when they take the first bite of a meal I've prepared for them or they let out a sigh of contentment as they finish it. I love it when I wake up to messages asking how I slept and wishing me a wonderful day. And the goodnight conversations wishing me sweet dreams just as I fall asleep. I love it when I find time to say or do something to let someone know I care. And when gratitude is shown back to me in a kind gesture or words. I love it when someone is shocked that I remember a simple little detail about what's going on in their life. And when I see the smile on their face when they excitedly tell me all about it. I love it when I find someone I trust whole heartedly with myself, completely. And when that person opens up to me and proves they trust me in return, after telling me they rarely trust at all. I love it when someone tells me I'm beautiful, even if it's just in their eyes. And I feel the sincerity and believe them. I love it when a dear friend stops by to cheer me up when I'm having a bad day/week. And we sit and chat, ending up laughing til our bellies ache and tears are rolling down our cheeks. I love it when a friend introduces you to their circle of friends and suddenly you have a new family who accepts and loves you like one of their own.  I love it when I look over at someone I care about and they're already looking at me. I love it when I'm thinking about someone random during the day. And then I get a text or call from that person telling me they were thinking about me. I love it when you chat with someone on-line or over the phone for weeks, getting to know them. And then you meet face to face and it's like running into an old friend you've known for years.  I love it when I get to spend quality time with someone I love. And we end up having the best time doing absolutely nothing, just being together. I love it when my canine kids snuggle next to me on the couch and they don't mind my cold feet. I love it when I put my heart and soul into a project and I finally get done, able to look upon something with pride and joy. I love it when spring arrives and I can sleep with the windows and doors open at night. And there is the delicate perfume of roses and jasmine in the air. I love it when the thoughts swirling in my head are able to get out through my keyboard or pen. And I can read those thoughts back, anytime I want. I love it when life is good. And it just keeps getting better.

45 things to let go of before your next birthday

This is NOT my own writing. It was compiled by someone I follow on-line...but I thought it was lovely and wanted to share it with you all. Enjoy!! 1. Let go of the baggage you know you need to leave behind. Be wiser and realize what you need and what you need to leave behind. 2. Let go what isn't helping your soul smile and grown. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. Follow your own path. Make yourself smile. 3. Let go of feeling like you aren't making progress fast enough. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you're still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying. 4. Let go of the idea that you have too much to lose. You won't regret the things you've done nearly as much as the things you didn't do when you had the chance. 5. Let go of worrying about everyone else's opinions of YOUR life. When writing the story of your life, don't let someone else hold the pen. 6. Let go of your tendency to avoid problems. You can never change what you refuse to confront. 7. Let go of all your empty complaints. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think/feel about it. 8. Let go of the excuses. If you really want something, you'll find a way. If you don't want it, you'll find an excuse. 9. Let go of making the same mistakes over and over. You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make that mistake, it's a choice. 10. Let go of the fantasy of perfection. If you want to be good at something, let go of the notion it has to be perfect. Replace it with the notion of endless, playful exploration. 11. Let go of believing the best is behind you. Your life isn't behind you; your memories are. Your life is always right here, right now. Seize it! Choose to let each of your experiences today be a gateway to an every better tomorrow. 12. Let go of thinking you should always get what you want. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 13. Let go of the notion that life is fair. If you expect the world to be fair, you're fooling yourself. That's like expecting a lion not to eat you because you didn't eat him. 14. let go of thinking others have it better than you. Truthfully, nobody has it easy; everybody has issues. If everybody threw their problems in a pile for you to see, you would likely grab yours back in a heartbeat. 15. let go of the expectations that are holding you back. The quality of your life is always 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it. 16. Let go of thinking there is a perfect time. You can't keep waiting for the perfect moment--it doesn't exist. You must dare to do it today because life is too short to wonder what could have been. 17. Let go of the need to always be comfortable. If you want to make an impact, big or small, get comfortable with being uncomfortable. All growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. 18. Let go of thinking you need to know everything first. You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward. Just do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better. 19. Let go of the "all or nothing" mentality. Appreciate the grey areas between success and failure - the journey and experience. Never let success get to your head or failure to get to your heart. 20. Let go of your mistakes. Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones. 21. Let go of excessive worrying. Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace and potential. Stop overthinking everything. Life is too short. 22. Let go of wanting stuff you don't need. Don't think of cost, think of value. Remember, it is always easier to find wealth by needing less instead of making more. 23. Let go of your ungrateful thoughts. Happiness never comes to those who don't appreciate what they have. So, be thankful today. Life is not perfect, it's just pretty darn good! 24. Let go of all your reasons to be unhappy. Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy. Focus on the things you do have and the reasons you should be happy. Positivity changes everything. 25. Let go of any hypocrisy. For instance, don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines. 26. Let go of the emotions that often get the best of you. Stay strong, even when if feels like things are falling apart. Take control of your emotions before they take control of you. 27. Let go of your temper. Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset. 28. Let go of ugly words. Saying someone is ugly does not make you any prettier. 29. Let go of your superficial judgments. We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer. 30. Let go of trying to change others. For the most part, you can't change people and you shouldn't try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to live without them. 31. Let go of being "too busy" to show your love. Loyalty is hard to find. Trust is easy to lose. Actions speak louder than words. Tell your loved ones you love them every day, and prove it. 32. Let go of one-sided relationships. If someone truly cares about you, they won't make you feel like you need to constantly fight for their attention. 33. Let go of those who have never been there for you. Remember, it's during the toughest times of your life that you'll get to see the true colors of the people who say they care about you. 34. Let go of negative influences. You can't expect to feel good if you surround yourself with negativity. Be with those who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you. 35. Let go of ALL the self-hate. Love yourself!! Forgive yourself!! Accept yourself!! 36. Let go of trying to be someone else. Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Someone will always be younger. But they will never be YOU. And that makes you awesome. 37. Let go of the things people say about you Try not to take things other people say about you too personally. What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you. 38. Let go of putting everyone else's needs in front of your own. Give as much as you can, but don't allow yourself to be used. Listen to others closely, but don't lose your own voice. 39. Let go of needing everyone to like you. Everyone doesn't need to like you. But remember, just because some people don't seem to care for you, doesn't mean you should forget about everyone else who does. 40. Let go of changing just to impress others. Don't ever change just to impress someone else. Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a brighter, happier future. 41. Let go of life's little annoyances. Don't let dumb things break your happiness. True wealth is the ability to experience and appreciate each moment for what it's worth. 42. Let go of yesterday. Don't let yesterday steal your present. Don't judge yourself by your past; you don't live there anymore. Let go, grow and move forward. 43. Let go of thinking that giving up means failure. Giving up and moving on are two very different things. 44. Let go of the idea that it's too late to start over. Remember, it's always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don't. 45. Let to of any lies you've heard that you aren't attractive enough. More women worldwide are suffering from anorexia and bulimia than are fighting breast cancer. Love yourself the way you are. You are already beautiful!

Try new things

Trying new things can be terrific. I've traditionally been a stickler for doing what's familiar and comfortable. But I've gotten in touch a more adventurous side and am starting to broaden my horizons so to speak. I tried a few Philippine dishes and have rediscovered an old favorite, pancit...I'm on the search now for some great lumpias...and discovered I really like chicken adobo. I will be attempting to mimic the dish very soon. I am finding new recipes on line to dabble in. Pinterest, I love you! I am trying new flowers and vegetables in my garden. I recently planted a lilac sapling, which is doing great. I cannot wait to have enough flowering branches to cut and enjoy in the house. I also planted some gerbera daisies...not so great. This season I am going to try some new varieties of tomatoes and mayhaps some different strawberry varieties. I am on the hunt for white strawberries...they are white fleshed with red seeds and have a pineapple flavor. I've got my eye on some raspberry and blackberry saplings to add to my collection. I am trying new approaches to meeting new people, on and off line. Being a little more open and less shy. It has been an adventure to say the least, but I have been fortunate to meet more nice guys than the weirdoes this time around. The continued encouragement of friends has been great. Just today, a dear friend said, "I give you credit for putting yourself out there. If it were me, I'd just say 'Fuck it all.' You're brave. You go girl." And I am trying new things in my physical life...I started hiking again and walking the canine kids, which has brought me both inner and outer strength. My legs feel stronger and I have more energy during the day, not to mention very happy doggies. I am continuing to go to the gym with mom, but instead of marching in place on the recovery boards (Curves terminology) I have been running in place. I feel the burn by the end of my 30 minute workout and I actually sweat. I have a wonderful friend who is teaching me to deal with trust issues and I am learning how to find deep relaxation and inner peace. Sounds silly, but sometimes we need physical reminders to get in the right mind frame to truly relax and let go. Sort of like acupuncture...the physical discomfort results in endorphins that surpass the initial "pain". Endorphins are awesome! My next new thing I want to try is a tattoo...I know, I've been saying it for so long. But I really do want to get one. The type I'm interested apparently is not legal in the US (glow in the dark), so I'll have to wait on that...but something colorful, unique and me--that's what I want to do. My latest obsession is Dexter...but that is coming to an end. Next up is House of Cards :) Of course, there are some things on the bucket list I would still like to cross off...Ones I can mention would be a hot air balloon ride, sleeping under the stars, staying at the Madonna Inn (I know, super cheesy but something I have to do), singing in public and having a themed wedding. Yeah, some are far fetched, but hey...gotta put it out there. AND I'm determined to find more time to write. Someone has highly suggested I put together a collection of my short stories...my "special" short stories. We shall see if that comes to fruition. He told me I'd make Anais Nin proud ;)

Finding peace

Recently, an important relationship in my life ended. Although it was not a lengthy one, it was an important part of my life that impacted me. For the first time in a long time, I felt happiness and love again. While I am sad to see it end, I am hopeful for a continued friendship with someone who brought so much into my life when I needed it most. The following day, I attended a memorial service for a dear family friend...Dan or "Big Red". It was a paddle out tribute at Huntington Beach...a perfect day with clear skies, a bright sun shining and peaceful waves in the sea. A wonderful life tribute unfolded before my eyes...surfer friends out on their boards to scatter Dan's remains in the sea...Flowers leis were worn and roses were handed out to attendees to toss out to sea from the pier. Dan's family, fiancée and friends gathered to share stories and celebrate a life. Although short by all means, it was a life lived to it's fullest. Dan enjoyed life and lived life. It was obvious how many people he had touched with his fun spirit, zest for life and laugh out loud attitude. Strangers on the pier approached and respectfully asked if they could stand and watch this beautiful tribute. It was touching to hear parents explain to their young children what was going on. And as I stood there on the pier, listening and watching everything going on around me, I found peace. I forgot how much the beach brings peace to my heart and soul...it had been so long since I spent time on the sand, salty breeze blowing through my hair, the warm sun gently kissing my skin. The sound of seagulls overhead and the tide gently rolling in and out. After spending a night crying for a loss of my own, the end of something I was not ready to see end...this beautiful day out helped me find peace in my heart. To be thankful for the time the relationship lasted, all the lessons learned and how I will grow and be stronger because of it. Most importantly, I learned I can love again, let someone love me, and be close to someone without fear of being hurt. That is such a giant step for someone with trust issues. I believe people come into our lives when we need them for a reason. Mayhaps (a new phrase a dear friend has taught me) we are not meant to have a specific relationship at a specific time...and love isn't always meant for a lifetime...but we are meant to have that person in our life, in some way. Over time, the hurt will go away and be replaced with love and happiness. And in the end, I will cherish a friendship with someone I love and care for in exchange for not being together. I have already learned I am capable of trusting someone more than I ever thought I could. In exchange, I received trust and respect beyond my expectations. I learned to accept myself for who I am and to smile when I see my reflection in the mirror. Most importantly, I learned to love myself...And that brings peace to my soul.

My Favorite Things...

Canine snuggles when I need them most. The smell of fresh carnations, fragrant roses or gardenias. The taste of a perfectly vine ripened tomato or strawberry picked fresh. The first nervous kiss when you meet someone new or the passionate "I've missed you so much" kiss from someone you love. Baking on a cold morning. Gardening in springtime. Hummingbirds when they land to take a rest. A phone call from a lover telling you they miss you in every way imaginable. Feeling like a schoolgirl when you hug your childhood crush. The smell of fresh celery, which reminds me of going to the produce market with my grandpa when I was 5. Hearing an old friend's voice and seeing their lovely face after 20+ years. Listening to music when I'm sad. The feeling of being loved by someone I truly care about. Finding that perfect gift for someone. Receiving that perfect gift from someone. A comfy, happy home. Buttered sourdough toast. Beautiful, colorful flowers in the garden. Shoes that fit. A lovely, well made purse. The look on the dogs' faces when they bring you a toy to play fetch. A baby's laugh and smile. That perfect song where you have no choice but to get up and dance. Being surrounded by happy friends. Snuggling with someone I love. Chilly, fog filled mornings. Ice cold water on a hot summer day. Homemade bread. Making spaghetti and meatballs from scratch. Falling in love. Passion. Road trips with friends. Back massages...giving and receiving. The soft whisper of "I love you" in my ear. Cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles. A nice chilled glass of sweet wine. Finding money in my pants pocket. Late night walks, holding hands...under a clear, star filled sky. Hugs that say more than words could ever describe. Hugs that lift me up in the air. Flannel sheets in the winter, satin sheets in the summer. Perfect hair days. Bras that fit and do their job. Getting home from a long day and kicking off my shoes and taking off my bra. Brand new scissors and knives. Scented soaps and lotions. The perfect shade of lipstick. Manicures that last. A stranger smiling and saying hello. Wagging dog tails and tilted dog heads when you talk to them. Hand written letters, sending and receiving. Surprise visits from a lover. Flowers, just because. French fries when I'm PMSing. Chocolate when I'm PMSing. Relaxing in the patio on a warm summer night. Long, hot bubble baths by candlelight. Being creative. Being loved and respected. Laughing so hard it hurts. Giggles over an inside joke. Bringing comfort and peace to someone at their time of need. Finding something positive in every situation. Discovering a new favorite food/dish. Learning to love and respect myself.

Girls' Night

It's been a blessing for me the passed few days...I've had the pleasure of having 2 Girls' Nights. The first was spent with my cousin's girlfriend...more like a niece/little sister. We spent the night eating Thai food and catching up...comparing notes about dating, work, family and life in general. The differences we have in our lives are so far from each other, but it was nice having someone to talk to who listens and understands. She called it "time to decompress" from life. Dating to a 20 something is definitely different from what dating is to a 40 something. Such a different perspective of what we each want in a relationship, significant other and our lives ahead of us. But is amazing how a 14 year age gap doesn't affect how we both feel about overbearing parents, siblings and silly things we girls do and think about. She's the little sister I always wanted and I feel lucky to have her in my life. And this evening, I spent hours with my best gal pals (most of them anyway). They are the ones I have known since 2nd, 5th and 9th grade. How we have all managed to stay in touch and in each others' lives has truly amazed many. Our reason for gathering was one of them visiting from out of state...not that we really need a reason or excuse to want to get together, but it was fabulous. We feasted on a dinner I prepared and goodies brought by the crew...and of course some wine. Catching up is always fun, but to me...and I'm sure to the gals...it is therapy. A safe circle of friends to divulge secrets, dreams, hopes, disappointments and desires. A time to laugh, cry and just be. It never lasts long enough, but in our older age and obligations we tend to tire out sooner. Gone are the days of staying up to the wee hours of the morning gossiping, giggling and drinking. But the quality time we spent is something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I love hearing stories about their kids, jobs, trips and plans. As much as I love telling them about my life, the changes that have occurred and my hopes for the future. These are the friends who look out for me. The ones who are happy for me when something is going great. The ones who cry with me when I am sad. The ones I can call when I need someone to talk to. The ones I thank God for bringing them into my life and keeping them in my life. The ladies that know me best, my dear little family I have built for myself over the years.

So Long 2013,,,

So, it's time to say goodbye to another year.... 2013 was quite a year indeed. I learned many life lessons in the 12 months of 2013. Some I was not expecting or wanting, but others turned out to be life changing and wonderful. I learned to be kind and patient when dealing with the gravely ill. Nothing you do or say can make them feel better...sometimes silence or a mere, "I love you" is all they need. Just knowing you are there for them may be all the comfort and care needed to be at peace. I learned to be an advocate and stand up to doctors and nurses for the ones you love. They don't always know what's best. I've learned the true meaning of quality vs. quantity in life. Having all the time in the world doesn't always make for a happier life. I also learned it is not easy being on the "customer" end of planning a funeral...but it helps to have friends and years of experience in the business. I learned it's okay to show your weakness and frailty at your time of need to those that are willing to love and support you. I learned when you are at your lowest point in life, you truly learn who are the loves of your life and will do anything for you. I learned sometimes you have to be in the darkness for a long time to finally see the light in life and find your way out. I learned there are many benefits of having individual accounts versus joint accounts, even when married. I learned how to fight/demand the things that I am legally entitled to have. I learned how to transfer the title on a car and a house. I learned how to demand respect from people who think a single woman is easy prey to be victimized and taken advantage of in many different ways. I may be a girl, but I can still kick ass! I learned that despite all my fears and intimidations, I am able to be on my own and be happy...being alone doesn't have to mean loneliness, which can be a terrible feeling, but independence and finding the love within yourself can wipe it all away. I learned canine kids can be just as much a crazy, loving, frustrating, rewarding commitment as real kids. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. I became stronger as a person in the sense of standing up for myself and allowing myself to voice my feelings and desires. I learned I can be passionate and caring, despite some people thinking it is inappropriate for a recently widowed woman to be "back on the market". I've also learned to open myself up to being loved and adored...something I thought would take forever and a day to get to again. And I've learned to love another person with my whole heart again and not let my fear of loss and being hurt to overrule my desire to be loved and in love. And I also learned that sometimes you only find your TRUE self when someone else finds YOU.