I miss my pop...

I lost you 24 years ago today. It seems like it just happened. I remember the day so clearly...I came home from being out with friends. You went to lay down. Mom came home from being out at her best friend's house. Glen was at work. Mom and I decided to watch a movie...she fell asleep on the couch. I told her to go to bed, we'd finish watching the movie another time. She lazily walked to the bedroom where you were already asleep. I took my shower and went to bed. It was about 11:30pm. I remember hearing mom yell for me...her voice had fear in it. I ran to your bedroom and saw you holding your chest, trying to sit up. Mom told me to call an ambulance and helped you lay back down. It seemed like the seconds were minutes and the minutes were hours. I traded places with mom and put her on the phone so I could do CPR. You were laying on the bed, motionless. When I looked in your eyes, they were dilated and blank. You gasped a few times, but only exhaled. The operator walked me through breathing and chest compressions. I tried...but in my heart, I knew you were already gone. When the paramedics arrived, I tried to comfort mom. She was hysterical. We watched them inject you with needles. We watched the paddles charge and press on your chest, making your whole body convulse...but you didn't respond. My heart was slowly breaking. I remember following the ambulance to the hospital and waiting in a cold room until the doctor came to give us the news that we already knew. I remember calling Glen at work and having to tell him you were gone.

You always taught us to be fair. Not to judge people by the color of their skin or where they lived. You taught me to learn to take things apart and figure out why they didn't work or how they worked. You taught me to live each day like it's your last. You taught me to appreciate humor and laughter every day. You taught me how to drive. Through you and mom, I learned to love and the importance of family.

I hate that I've lived without you for over half my life now. I wanted you to be there to see me graduate from college. But because I lost you, I got into the funeral business and met Mark. I wanted you to walk me down the aisle when we got married. I wanted you to comfort me when I lost him to cancer. I wanted you to be there for mom when she lost her mom and sister. I wanted to be there for you when we lost auntie, grandpa and grandma. I want you to be here now, to meet David and his kids. To enjoy retirement and technology. The trips to Kathy and Phil's, barbecuing, Vegas, fixing computers and cars. Watching Morgan and Justin grow up into such great young men. See Glen get married to a wonderful woman.

In my heart, I know you are here. I think of you every day and I see so much of you in our family. I've fallen in love with two men in my life...both have so many qualities and traits that remind me of you. I miss you.

Special visit...

Last night, we spent the night celebrating my brother's birthday. It was me, Dave, my mom, sister in law and brother. It was an entertaining, delicious dinner spent at Bennihana's. It was a special evening...a rare time when we were all together. I know it made my mom very happy. 

We came home and were off to bed. It was a nice cool night...made falling asleep and staying asleep much easier in the midst of a warm summer weeks humidity and heat. When I woke up this morning, I had an overwhelming sense of peace, love and serenity...I had a special visit during my sleep. It was from Mark.

As I'm sure most of you know, I lost Mark (my husband) to cancer over 2 years ago. We had spent our last weeks together discussing his wishes and such. One thing we did agree on was that if he could, he would somehow let me know everything was ok when he was gone and went to wherever it is we all go when we leave this life.

I thought maybe my "sign" was when Buster recognized a familiar scent in the pick up truck when I opened up the cab months after Mark had passed. I thought it was all the monarch butterflies I had visiting my yard the summer after he passed (and every season since). We used to raise and release monarchs after catching caterpillars in the yard. I thought maybe meeting and falling in love with someone with very similar interests and mannerisms was a sign. But no. I got a visit instead.

So, what I remember is very vivid and fresh...like it is happening right now. I saw him and he looked good. He was healthy and happy. There was a great sense of peace and happiness in his face and body language. He was talkative, lively and his old self...the person I remember dating and falling in love with. He told me how wonderful everything was now...food tasted good. Colors were brighter and more beautiful. Feelings were stronger and more meaningful. I remember taking his hand, squeezing it, and suddenly everything felt right. 

He was at our house and sat and played with the dogs. He commented how they looked grown up now. He smiled when they wagged their tails. He said he was happy and in a good place. I told him I was happy with my life, missed him, loved him and thought of him often. I can't recall everything we talked about, but it was positive. He didn't stay long, but it was enough. We said what we needed to say, hugged and I woke up. 

The reason I share these stories with the people I love and care about is because I know from my experiences in life how difficult it is to lose someone we love. But if you love with all your heart, tell people you love how you feel when the opportunity is there...you will not have regrets. Life is short, live it while you can and make it a good life.

Doctor Visit

So, I had a doctor visit today for a physical/follow up....should've been done a while ago, but life happens and I had to postpone. I went into it knowing I was going to hear the dreaded lecture..."You need to lose weight. Your numbers are up. We need to do something." And yes, I heard it all today. My doctor is cool...he tries not to nag. He is straightforward and does his "lecturing" in a caring, nurturing way. His comments were, "I don't want you to feel like I'm angry and lecturing you...I want you to feel my compassion and love as a human being that cares." My sugar levels are up. My weight has not gone down, although I have been exercising and trying to watch my diet. My blood pressure is not within "ideal" range, although it has gone down significantly. So here is what happened...my doctor is recommending bariatric sleeve surgery...reduction in stomach size and reshaping what's left.
The pros? Significant weight loss...reversal of diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol elevation. Boosts in energy levels and general well being. Higher sex drive and feelings of happiness (endorphine boosts). New clothes!
The cons? Risks involved with any surgery. Major change in lifestyle. Nutritional supplements probably for life. No NSAIDS for pain management.
I've never had surgery, with the exception of my carpal tunnel surgery. It's scary and uncomfortable to think about. I've been told it would be a 2-3 day stay in the hospital and a 2-3week recovery. There are support groups for emotional support and of course a bunch of follow up visits with the doctor(s).
So, in blogging about it, I guess what I want/need is feedback/support from my friends and loved ones. I think I'm ready to tell my doctor, let's do this...put in the referral. Thoughts?

Rock Star Super Hero

Several months ago, a couple girlfriends and I were out for lunch and museum visiting. Out of no where, my dear friend announced, "So, I might have breast cancer..." She was so straightforward and matter of fact about it, which is something I really love about her. Before bombarding her with questions, she explained the whats, whens and ifs. She already had a plan without knowing yet if it was cancer. In the following weeks we found out it was cancer. I hate the word...so many emotions and memories of Mark's fight. I knew my friend would fight it...quiet and gracefully. She decided to go full attack and remove both of her breasts, a difficult decision I'm sure. She wanted to make sure cancer would not be in her future. Surgery came and went...hopeful news that it appeared not to have spread. Reconstructive surgery brought on difficulties including pain and an infection that resulted in a short hospital stay. Visiting my friend at home was a joy...we brought goodies galore a mix of savory, sweet and salty. We feasted on delicious treats. She had cut her hair...she decided if she was going to lose it, which was anticipated, it would be short hair, not long hair. The pixie cut was so cute on her...I wish I could pull of the style myself! Her medical team decided on 4 chemo rounds, not unheard of for patients who are considered "not" having cancer. It's a form of insurance. Her first round was surprising easy...a little tiredness, but overall, very few side effects. I was happy for her...remembering all the nasty side effects my loved ones had experienced. We met for lunch and had a good long chat about what was going on in our present and what we hoped for our futures. It was good, quality time spent with a special friend. Today, I messaged her to find out how things were going. She had her second round Monday and was tired and weak. Also, she took the next step and buzzed her hair off...
She even let her brother give her a faux-hawk type cut before it all went. Of course, it was captured in a photo, which she shared with me for a laugh. It was so great to see that beautiful smile on her face. I knew she was good, as long as she smiled. She said, "Gotta have a sense of humor about this!" I love my friend, I don't think I say it enough to any of my dear, sweet friends. She is a Rock Star and Superhero rolled into one. She is going to kick cancer's ass and rock some short hair styles like a Diva. And to all my friends, I love you...I really do! :)