Letting Go

Sorry if this is repeating what you might have read on Facebook....I was browsing Pinterest, as usual, and came across an amazing quote. I felt like the person who wrote it got into my head and heart and put my thoughts into words.

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear. It's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It's having an open mind and... confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It's learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's all about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon have again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It's realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path to set you free."

So, I sit here at the computer (wiping away the tears) as I contemplate what these words mean to me and how they make me feel. I have made many changes since Mark passed...the house is different. It is more "me" now, my little touches are in each room. Some of the pictures that were taken down for the memorial service were never put back up on the walls. Most of his things have been gone through and given to those I felt would appreciate them and make good use of them. But there are so many things around that will always remind everyone who enters my home of him. The patio shows his handy work, as does the yard. I had a contractor come by today to help redesign the kitchen. I asked him not to touch the laundry area sink because it is one of the first projects Mark completed when we moved into this house. His urn and the memorial lamp with dried flowers from his service are lovingly placed in what was once our bedroom. So, although I am going on with my life I have not forgotten the wonderful life we did share, but I have began to let go. And I have realized that letting to is not about forgetting. It's about accepting what is and was, and allowing yourself to grow and move on. And the words contained in the above quote truly express how I feel. I have been given the opportunity to pursue love and happiness...and I'm taking it. I have always been protective of my heart and weary of being hurt. But I learned from my life with Mark that even when you do feel safe and loved, life can still hurt your heart with the events it throws at you. And to sit back and let opportunities pass you because you fear that pain and heartache again isn't living. I am choosing to live my life, not be a spectator. I'm putting myself out there and taking the risk of being hurt in hopes that I have found a good man and will have that second chance of love and living a happy life. I will allow him a chance to win my heart and prove himself worthy of the love I have to give. Maybe I am a fool but you never know if you don't take that chance. Mark taught me that life is precious and too short to be safe and cautious all the time. What's the use of having time, material things and feelings if you don't share them all with someone? I will end this with another quote, one of my favorites of all time..."I'd rather have a life of 'Oh wells' than a life of 'What ifs'"

Congratulations, Jenn!

Congratulations, Jenn...you've just encountered your first scam artist on-line! A harsh life lesson was learned today....trust is something that has to be earned, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I was contacted by a "match" on-line. It was innocent enough...a nice looking guy, friendly and seemingly sweet. We chatted. It was nice. I looked him up on Facebook (like I usually do when I encounter someone new). He was there...what a pleasant surprise. I friended him and we proceeded to chat...and chat...and chat. It turned out to be on and off, an all day thing. We even agreed to chat in the morning, time difference and schedules permitting. He said he lived in Kentucky. So, I tell a few close friends...I got the warm hearted, "Oh, I hope this is a good guy and things work out." And, "I'm glad you're meeting people." All I wanted was to make a new friend...I have someone that I think might turn out to be something special. But thank goodness my dear friend, with his protective eyes always watching over me, looked over this guy's profile and said, "It looks fake." Something didn't seem right...so the paranoid Jenn began to worry...What do I do??? Voice of reason said do nothing right now...wait...chat tomorrow and see what happens. Voice of friends said, "Make him send you a picture so you know it's him." Paranoid Jenn, with some benefit of the doubt, decided to message him back on the dating site. Poof! To my horror, the profile was gone. GONE!! Again, I freak out. I try to get some sleep, but can't...worried. So I turn to my trusty old friend Google...thank goodness for Google...I love you, Google. I couldn't live without you, Google. Did I say I love you, Google? I Googled his name...a few hits to Facebook and a dating site...them BAMM!! A hit on "RomanceScam.com"...yes, that is a real website. Apparently, since 2009, some guy in Guyana or Nigeria is targeting dating sites, using a variety of "white boy"names and photos he is stealing from different sites. He gains the trust of ladies, romancing them and swooning them...only to eventually ask for money. And there are ladies dumb enough to send him money...money to help with his rent, hospital bills, tickets so he can come travel to be with them...whatever. So, I immediately went to Facebook, unfriended him, blocked him and reported him. Never did I ever think I would fall prey to something like this...thank goodness it was just my pride that was hurt. But a fair warning to everyone...be weary. I don't want to say "trust no one", but really...be careful. I like to think of myself as a bright person, but I started to get suckered into the whole "niceness" of this person. All I wanted was a new friend...silly me. I have wonderful friends that I am so lucky to have in my life. I've even found a few long lost friends on Facebook. I'm still hopeful that I HAVE found a good guy on-line. We shall see how things progress with him. :) At least I can laugh about it, right?

Thank you, dear friend...

I received a phone call this morning from a dear friend. And they reminded me about so much in life that I've either pushed aside or ignored lately in the midst of all my home removations, on-line chatting and so called "getting on with my life". The main message received is that no one can truly understand what I am and have been going through the last months and years of my life. July is a sucky month...what would have been my 14 anniversay is coming up...we had planned to renew our vows for our lucky 13th...but of course, because of health issues and family obligations, that did not happen. I can still remember our wedding day so clearly. I remember and can still feel all the excitement and joy that whole day held for me. July is also a month filled with life celebrations for so many friends and famly..anniversaries, birthdays. And when you don't have a significant other, well...it sucks. Although this is one of the most difficult phases of my life, it can and should be one of the most exciting and adventurous. And I don't need to be judged by others for what I do or how I act. I hear it in the voices or see it in the eyes when I tell someone I'm meeting people or have met someone online. I don't need you to tell me that "it's too soon" for me to search for companionship and love. They don't know what I'm feeling inside or have been feeling for the last 4 years. I'm experienced in life and love...I know what I want and I should feel free to go out and get it. And I don't need the attention of men out there who think they need to take care of me and protect me from the big scary world out there...And no, if you're married, I won't be your "little something on the side"...I may not be the bravest or smartest gal out there, but what I need is protection from scary guys like you!! And no, I don't need a man...I want a man...I want to share my life with someone. I'm not looking for a husband, a replacement for Mark. I'm looking for a friend who shares my interests and passions that can eventually become my companion. My dear friend reminded me I have been the one to experience so many of life's events first...I was the first to lose a parent...I was one of the first to get married...first and maybe only to struggle with fertility issues and disappointments...the first to get laid off from work..and now the first to lose a spouse to death, in addition to many other family members and friends. All of these things have made me a stronger person, but they have also made me afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Everyone tells me how they admire my strength and courage...well, deep inside I feel scared and insecure. But what I have decided is that now is my time...my dear friend said, "It's all about you right now. You don't answer to anyone. You do what you need to do." Thank you, my dear dear friend....for understanding me and having the courage to call me out on things and letting me know with a gentle yet stearn voice of reason that I do deserve to be happy. And thank you Mark...for loving me unconditionally and giving me your blessings to look for love again. So, if you are reading this, it is because you are a friend. And yes, I am interested in meeting a nice, decent guy...message me so we can discuss :)