Thank you, dear friend...

I received a phone call this morning from a dear friend. And they reminded me about so much in life that I've either pushed aside or ignored lately in the midst of all my home removations, on-line chatting and so called "getting on with my life". The main message received is that no one can truly understand what I am and have been going through the last months and years of my life. July is a sucky month...what would have been my 14 anniversay is coming up...we had planned to renew our vows for our lucky 13th...but of course, because of health issues and family obligations, that did not happen. I can still remember our wedding day so clearly. I remember and can still feel all the excitement and joy that whole day held for me. July is also a month filled with life celebrations for so many friends and famly..anniversaries, birthdays. And when you don't have a significant other, well...it sucks. Although this is one of the most difficult phases of my life, it can and should be one of the most exciting and adventurous. And I don't need to be judged by others for what I do or how I act. I hear it in the voices or see it in the eyes when I tell someone I'm meeting people or have met someone online. I don't need you to tell me that "it's too soon" for me to search for companionship and love. They don't know what I'm feeling inside or have been feeling for the last 4 years. I'm experienced in life and love...I know what I want and I should feel free to go out and get it. And I don't need the attention of men out there who think they need to take care of me and protect me from the big scary world out there...And no, if you're married, I won't be your "little something on the side"...I may not be the bravest or smartest gal out there, but what I need is protection from scary guys like you!! And no, I don't need a man...I want a man...I want to share my life with someone. I'm not looking for a husband, a replacement for Mark. I'm looking for a friend who shares my interests and passions that can eventually become my companion. My dear friend reminded me I have been the one to experience so many of life's events first...I was the first to lose a parent...I was one of the first to get married...first and maybe only to struggle with fertility issues and disappointments...the first to get laid off from work..and now the first to lose a spouse to death, in addition to many other family members and friends. All of these things have made me a stronger person, but they have also made me afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Everyone tells me how they admire my strength and courage...well, deep inside I feel scared and insecure. But what I have decided is that now is my time...my dear friend said, "It's all about you right now. You don't answer to anyone. You do what you need to do." Thank you, my dear dear friend....for understanding me and having the courage to call me out on things and letting me know with a gentle yet stearn voice of reason that I do deserve to be happy. And thank you Mark...for loving me unconditionally and giving me your blessings to look for love again. So, if you are reading this, it is because you are a friend. And yes, I am interested in meeting a nice, decent guy...message me so we can discuss :)