Thinking of you, Mark...

This past week has been a tough one for me...I had to deal with news of someone I trusted betraying me, talked a dear friend through a meltdown, learned a new friend's shyness is a possible obstacle of becoming more than friends, and I've been thinking a lot about Mark. It's been almost 7 months...and while I have continued on with life (I don't like to say "moved on"), I have the difficult days that seem to sometimes hit me like a train when I'm least expecting it. Sunday mom and I had participated in a craft boutique at a friend's church. It was a nice day out, socializing and experiences crafts and food of my culture...something I do not do quite often enough. After a long day, I came home with a loaded truck but decided to take a much needed nap. So I parked the truck on the driveway, locked the gate and let the dogs loose in the yard. While I had the truck cab doors open, Buster decided he wanted to try to go for a ride. As soon as he jumped in the driver's side, he immediately perked his ears, started sniffing and his tail was going a mile a minute. He bounced around on the seats, sniffing everywhere...it dawned on me...he smelled Mark...it was the first time he had been in the truck since Mark passed. Buster sat on the passenger seat, looked at me with a tilted head as if to ask, "Is daddy here? Where is he?" It just about broke my heart. I'm tearing up now just thinking about this little, too smart for his own good dog wondering where his other master was after all this time. It's amazing how much they can be like humans in the expressions they show with just their eyes. The strangest things happened over the next few days. On Monday I kept catching a strange bright light out of the corner of my eye...it happened in what used to be our bedroom once and what was Mark's "man cave" several times...that is the room he passed away in. On Tuesday, when I woke up and walked through the same room to get to the bathroom, I felt a cold spot in the middle of the room...unexplainable. It gave me the chills, although it was not a cold morning. And then while sitting in the living room watching TV, there was a strong sulfur odor...it came and went several times. I couldn't find anything that would cause the smell. So a part of me thought maybe Mark was here? Trying to make his presence known? Or maybe he is trying to let me know he is alright and is watching over me, when I felt like I needed it most? I'm not sure. What freaked me out initially is now having a calming effect on me. I have had the pleasure of making an acquaintance who has become a dear friend recently. He reminds me a lot of Mark...his tastes in music, movies, technology, etc. He has very similar physical traits and quirks about him that remind me of Mark. Without knowing anything about Mark, my dear friend told me today, "Your husband was very lucky to have you in his life. He must have been a truly great person...because I know you are a good person, loving, caring and just good. And it says a lot about who we marry and love...so he must have been a very loving, caring and good person. I'm so sorry you lost him at such a young age." Of course, this made me want to break down and cry. It meant so much to me for someone who never knew Mark to feel this way about him...because it is so spot on true. And this is what it made me realize...I was lucky to find love once and to have the opportunity to say goodbye to him when we knew he was dying. It is a privilege very few people have. The love you feel for someone never goes away, even when they are no longer with us. However one believes things go when we die...if we go to a beautiful place called heaven, are reborn into someone new, or just float around as a free spirit...it doesn't matter. What matters is you let your heart and soul heal when that person leaves, but the love stays in you forever. And yes, you can let yourself love again because why would you not want that feeling to continue in your present just because a part of you has passed? So, Mark...my dear Mark...wherever it is you are, I miss you as I'm sure everyone does. I love you and I thank you for giving me love and strength. Thinking of you, always.