2011

The holidays are over and like those that have passed, it was full of drama, cheer, family and friends, and of course too much food! It's been a year full of surprises, disappointment and everything in between and now it is time to sit back and think about what this past year has meant to me. What I have learned most from 2011 is to cherish the little things in life and most of all, cherish the ones I love and hold dear to my heart. I have learned to try to laugh and make someone laugh everyday. To see a smile on my husband's face is something I live for these days. The struggles of coping with cancer, chemotherapy and all the side effects and crap that go along with it have made it a difficult year and those smiles seem to come too far apart from each other sometimes. I make it a habit to take a deep breath before I yell or argue, because sometimes you just have to let things slide. it's not worth the emotional stress to let someone else's "problems" become one of my own. And I have learned that when someone is truly meant to be in your life, it doesn't matter how many years or miles may go between you, they will always find a way back. I've been lucky enough to reconnect with some very special people in my life. My goals for 2012 include finding time to travel and explore the world...doesn't have to be anywhere exotic and or far...just a quick drive or flight to see someplace new and escape the mundane "everyday-ness" of our lives. I hope to find time to be good to myself and remember to love myself more. I hope to live by the mantra, "You can't change people, but you can change how you react to the", like walking away from situations and letting go of the people we no longer want or need in our lives. It seems harsh, but when you are trying to cherish everyday, you learn that negative people and things have no place in your life because it is too precious and short to waste. I am on a mission to work on my crafts more...crocheting, making cards, holiday ornaments/gifts...and gardening too. Sometimes you have to take time out of the life you live for others and make it just for you.

40 years...

I will be turning 40 in a few days and I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. There are so many people, especially women, who freak out and stress about the "Big 4-0". But to me, it's just a number...actually two little numbers. And though for some, it is a depressing number, to me it's no big deal. I've had a lot happen in my 40 years of life...good stuff, bad stuff. Things most people will probably never have to go through and other things a lot of people are or will be going through. So, I've compiled a list of things that have made my 40 years of life significant. Here goes...I was born a minute before midnight on December 5, 1971. My mom was asked by her doctor if he should "Leave her in or take her out?" because it would make a difference on the birth certificate. She decided, "Take her out!" I ran away from home by the age of 2...I managed to "sneak" past my sleeping father, go out the front door and walk/waddle down the block a whole house away, where my mom found me, crying and possibly eating a snail (that was never confirmed, but there is strong evidence I did it). By the time I graduated high school, I had smoked a cigarette (regular, not a joint), drank alcohol and lost my virginity. I'm proud to say that to this day, I am still in touch with him and have the honor of calling him my dear friend. By the age of 19 I watched my pop die from a massive heart attack. I had to make the call to 911 and attempt CPR, but it was too late. That event haunts me to this day and the loving care we received from our funeral director is the reason I got into the field. I had an eerily accurate reading by a psychic, who predicted when I would meet my husband, what he did for a living and where we would live. My husband used to bring me dead bodies...and we got married in a mortuary chapel at Rose Hills Memorial Park. In a 5 year span, I lost my maternal grandmother, grand uncle, paternal aunt, grand aunt and grandfather, another dear friend and my loving cocker spaniel. I've had both a pregnancy scare and a pregnancy disappointment in my life. I've never had a broken bone or been hospitalized except for carpal tunnel syndrome surgery. I've managed to stay in touch with many of my junior high and high school friends, especially since the "miracle" of Facebook. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue (yes, I consider that a significant thing!). So, with the "Big 4-0" creeping around the corner, I feel like I have lots to be thankful for and to look forward to for the future. I physically feel better than I have in years (thanks to Curves and my instructor Kathy). I feel better about myself than I have in years too. I have a loving husband, who loves me for who I am and makes me laugh every day despite the battles we're going through. I have a wonderful mom who supports me and is truly a dear friend. I also have an incredible circle of friends (near and far) who remind me to find time to live and enjoy life. I look forward to spending time with all these wonderful people in the next few weeks to celebrate my birthday. So, come on 40...bring it on! ;)

Scentimental memories

I just recently purchased a rose scented cuticle cream from Avon. Upon opening the small tin container, I was immediately bombarded with memories of my childhood and my auntie Sets. She always wore Rose Milk lotion on her hands and face...the heavenly, delicate fragrance of roses always around her. Of course, I looked on line within minutes to find out where I can purchase Rose Milk lotion...it seems a lot of people have the same memories...most stores no longer carry it and some on-line vendors are out of stock. It's amazing how certain scents can take us back in time to specific moments in our lives. The fragrance "Pleasures" by Estee Lauder will forever remind me our my wedding day. I received the perfume from a dear friend as a bridal shower gift...she remembered how much I loved the scent. I woke up the morning of our wedding and "layered" shower gel, lotion and perfume. The sweet, romantic scent stayed with me all day and night, forever being a lovely reminded of one of the most significant days of my life...Whenever I smell fresh celery, I think of the Saturdays when my grandpa would take me to the grocery stores along his delivery route...I would sit in his truck during the bumpy ride and look at the buildings we passed, searching for the familiar clues that our destination was close. We would always have some type of fresh fruit at the last stop, sometimes a peach, other times an apple. He would patiently peel the fruit with his pocket knife and we would share the treasure. The smell of the ocean reminds me of the days our entire family would go fishing off the Redondo Pier...I got car sick once and threw up in my auntie's hat. My brother and I would run around the pier looking for discarded hooks and line to set up our own fishing stations. I vividly remember helping my grandmother de-scale and gut the fish to take home for dinner. Even back then the sight of blood and gore fascinated me. The smell of burning incense reminds me of my maternal grandmother praying at her home altar for the husband she had lost so many years ago. I would watch her with adoration as she lit the incense, stuck a small mallet against a brass bowl gong on a silk pillow and place her prayer beads in her hands. Those beads hang in a place of honor amongst my knick knacks and collectibles. This dedication and devotion I observed was so impressive to me as a young girl, I learned to love and respect a man I never knew. And I remind myself every day, in my hustle and bustle life of appointments, treatments, shopping, crafting, etc....take time to stop and smell the roses....and everything else too! :)

Break Time

Mark's platelet counts were on the low side due to the duration of chemo so far, so Dr. B decided to give him a break in treatment. We got to take a "round" off from chemo this week and it couldn't be better timing...the weather has cooled down to a nice mid 60's at night and mid 70's during the day (sorry non-So. Cal friends and family). My close, dear friend is visiting from North Carolina, so we get to spend an evening out on the town. We had the joy of having a dinner "assignment" at The House of Blues Foundation Room earlier this week too. The morning of our scheduled treatment, our newly hired help at home was already at the house, so rather than go home, we decided to have a day out. We hit a couple local thrift stores (scored me some books...Wicked and Little Bee), had lunch and played games at Dave and Buster's for the second Wednesday in a row and did some shopping. It was nice to be out and about, feeling like a "normal" couple again. Mark has been feeling pretty good, especially after winning First Prize at a car/motorcycle show here in our little city Monterey Park. He beat all the other bikes entered, which were Harleys :) There is a nice picture of the bike and the trophy posted on his Facebook page. We are planning to clear out some junk and make some much needed space in the garage so I have room for the treadmill to actually fold out and be in usable condition, rather than the junk stand/rack it has been serving as the past month since being banished out from our bedroom. Mark also found time to set up our Wii gaming console in the back room so I can attempt to do Zumba and Wii Yoga where there is decent space without having to move a couch and table like in our living room. Monday being Halloween, I will be dressing up as a Day of the Dead Calavera Senorita...we are having a costume contest at my gym and I intend on winning. Pictures will be posted and emailed! In addition to all this that is going on, we are hoping to get out on a nice trip once chemo treatments have been completed and the doctors give us a game plan for the next steps in treatment. We have our eyes on the East Coast, specifically North Carolina and Connecticut or Florida to visit with family. So it may be a while before I post a new blog, but it's all for good reasons. Happy Haunting!!

The Help

No, this is not a review of the movie "The Help", although Mark and I did recently see the movie. By the way, it was great...I highly recommend it. And it is not a "chick flick". I'm writing about hired help. We have recently determined I can no longer take care of myself, Mark and my grandmother...at least not in the care she want. There is a HUGE difference between what someone needs versus what they want. After a long, conversation with both myself and my mom, we convinced grandma to allow us to hire someone to help out. Our angel is a home care aid named Judith, who helped us out with my grandpa...she is a loving, patient woman and I feel fortunate to know her as a person and consider her a friend. In 5 hours, two days a week, she has been able to accomplish chores that would take grandma hours, even days to finish. AND she has given me time to devote to myself, Mark and most importantly some free time to find my sanity (which was misplaced a long time ago). I've been able to get out to spend time with my mom, get my butt to the gym, enjoy lunch out when Mark is feeling good and even get my nails done :) It's the little things that matter these days and it has been a wonderful feeling to be able to experience the little, joyful things in life. Mind you, it took some convincing of grandma for her to agree to "spend money" for someone to "take care" of her. We explained to her that she worked hard all her life, saved her money and now was the time for her to enjoy it and put it to good use before she dies...we reminded her that she cannot take her money with her. Judith has been able to get my grandmother to exercise (walking down the street a few house distance, which is something we have never been able to convince her to do). And she is using my stationary bicycle pedal "thing" to exercise her arms and legs....a miracle in my eyes! Judith has taught me that sometimes you have to hire someone to feel that you can ask them to do certain chores...something my grandmother has difficulty doing. She does not or will not ask for help with chores or favors. My assumption is when you are paying someone, you want to optimize the amount of work you get out of them? But Judith assures me she loves what she does and it does not feel like work for her. An angel, indeed! She takes the time to listen and talk to grandma, which is the part she NEEDS that I can't seem to find the time to do. So, like in so many situations, someone who is hired as "help" one person is in actuality helping a whole family. We are learning to cope with aging, illness, patience and finding the ability to ask for help, not expect it. And those are things you can't put a price on. :)

50/50...I won't ruin the end! :)

Just got back from watching the movie 50/50 with Mark. It was an amazingly emotional story of a young man (Joseph Gordon Levitt) battling a rare spinal cancer. The manner in which the devastation a cancer diagnosis makes on a young life was moving to watch. From personal experience of dealing with Mark's battle with cancer, it was difficult to watch at times throughout the story line. The character's best friend (Seth Rogan) deals with his own issues regarding life, death and friendship when he is told about the diagnosis. There are multiple relationships the movie deals with : a worrisome mother, a father battling Alzheimer's disease, a girlfriend who doesn't know if she can be a caretaker, a therapist who is dealing with her own emotional battles and a few supporting characters (fellow cancer patients) who make the cast a wonderful mix of interlacing stories. I won't give away the ending, since I'm hoping anyone who reads this will go see it. It was one of the best portrayals of cancer from the patients' point of view I've seen. A little close to home in a several scenes depicting how the characters are dealing with what life has handed them. If you or anyone you know is a fellow warrior in the battle against cancer, go see this movie. You'll laugh, cry and see life differently.

Birds of a feather

Sitting in the infusion department at chemotherapy today for Mark's round 3 treatment, I noticed the various members of the medical team and various species of birds came to mind. There is the front desk receptionist...she is a blue jay. She smiles and is often caught singing to herself as she busily processes patient forms and payments. She always seems happy and chipper. There are the therapy nurses...the core and strength of the team. Floating from patient to patient like busy hummingbirds in different colored Crocs and Sketcher Shape Ups, they perform a multitude of tasks in the few hours they see their patients. There are also the stool pigeons of the nurses....those that stand around pretending to do work like the others, but are only there to collect their paycheck. They peck around from here to there, trying to look busy when the administrators are around. The phlebotomists are like vultures, seeking their next victim for blood....and never apologizing when they can't seem to find a vein. The doctors are the peacocks...flaunting their white coat feathers as if trying to attract a mate. They seem to silently scream, "Look at me! I'm important! I'm better than you!" This was especially evident when a patient in the next space threw up from his chemo treatment and all one of the doctors did was call over any orderly to clean it up...(Please note, our doctor.."Dr. B" as we call him, is in no way one of these peacocks. He does not wear a coat. From day one, when we asked him why he didn't have a coat, he informed us, "I don't care for the attitude and separation it seems to bring about when it's worn." Ask any of his nurses or patients, Dr. B is the best! We feel fortunate to have him!). The orderly is the sparrow...barely noticed by others, but diligently working to keep the department going. The most impressive member of the staff I observed is the Nurse Case Manager...Mother Hen to the department. She knows everything about everyone including what meds they are taking, what side effects to expect, which nurse is celebrating a birthday and what time so and so went to lunch...it was amazing to watch her in action! The roost would break down without a case manager. All in all, it was a fun day people watching.
PS-Mark's treatment went without incident today. He visited the cardiologist yesterday who said things looked alright. Follow up will be in a couple weeks. I'll keep you posted! :)

Round Two

Mark started round two of chemo this week. After a get away weekend to Vegas, where we saw Weird Al in concert...yeah, Weird Al...it was nice to come home to cooler weather and an affectionate cat who obviously missed us both. We went to the oncologist office on Wednesday and began the IV/port hook up. Things were a little smoother this time, since we knew what to expect and got a head start on nausea prevention...breakfast and anti-nausea pills as a chaser. And the treatment went a little quicker than last time. We were done at 3 p.m. The weird side effects that have occurred are Mark's jaw gets clenched and he is complaining of tiny sore in his mouth and throat...he describes them as little ice crystal like formations that react when he drinks something chilled. We may have to switch to room temperature drinks for a while. At least it's not the peak of summer and the weather is cooling down a little. Sleeplessness is still an ongoing issue for him, but he wants to take as little additional meds as possible. He's taking: anti-nausea preventive, anti-nausea as needed, anti-diarrhea as needed, Norco for pain during the day, Percaced for pain at night, a heart med for the palpitations (preventive), anti-inflammatory for the tumor swelling and I'm sure I'm forgetting others. When the paramedics came 2 weeks ago for the heart palpitations, one of them asked, "Is he on any medications?" I laughed as I handed him a grocery bag full of bottles. I must say that things are going rather smoothly and we are remaining positive and have found time to laugh about stuff and enjoy life. Vegas was fun and we plan to take some more trips when treatments are over. Maybe North Carolina or Connecticut? We'll see how things go.

Please, thank you....

Two simple phrases, "Please" and "Thank you"...they can make all the difference in the world on how you are perceived by others and the impact you make on someone else's day. I have experienced, over the last 5+ years, the difference between someone who always says please and thank you, vs. someone who hardly uses the two phrases (at least when dealing with me, go figure). When I moved in with my grandparents in 2006, it was to help them out around the house and to help take care of my aunt who was suffering senile dementia...not an easy task. My auntie was sweet, appreciative and had an loving innocence that the harshest conditions in life never stole away from her. And my grandfather was the same... stubborn (I now know where I got it from), but always showed his appreciation. "Jenn, when you have a chance, could you please take me to get my hair cut? Thank you." "Could you please look up the Dodger's schedule for me? Thanks." I would be thanked before the act was even done. And always thanked after it was done. Buy my grandmother is different in every way imaginable. Rather than ask, she tells...."I'm out of milk, you know." "I can't open this jar, the lid is too tight." "If you're too tired to cook, then go and get something." It's a harsh environment to try to be a loving caretaker. I have had to restrain myself many times from speaking my mind and other actions that would be frowned upon by many. So I feel the need to remind everyone to show your appreciation. Let someone know they are important to you and have value. When you ask your co-worker for a favor, say PLEASE, even if it's just to hold the elevator door. And when your spouse prepares dinner, tell them THANK YOU, whether it was a 4 course extravaganza or "just" take out. It will put a smile an their face and remind them what a good person YOU are. I always make it a habit of trying to make people smile. If I have a cranky check out person at the store, I will comment on how I like their nail polish or jewelry. I always tell the parking attendant at the hospital, "Thank you. Have a nice day." So go and make someone feel appreciated and valued with PLEASE and THANK YOU, that's all it takes. You are guaranteed a smile and probably a similar greeting in return. And that will make YOUR day!

What cancer has taught me.

The experience of care taking for someone battling cancer has taught me many things. I have become enlightened to what a good, no...a GREAT nurse is capable of doing for their patients. The honesty and true expression of compassion my husband and I received today was amazing. I've learned cancer doesn't only make an impact on the patient, it impacts all the lives around the patient. I've learned that being busy isn't when you have 2 birthday parties to shop for and cupcakes to make for those parties...Being busy is having back to back doctor appointments, multiple visits in a week to the lab/pharmacy for tests, x-rays, ct scans, and prescriptions for new pills to counteract the side effects the old pills are causing. Being tired isn't running a marathon or working 2 hours over time...Being tired is not sleeping night after night because you're in pain, you're worried about whether or not treatments will work this time or you're sick to your stomach because of the poison you have running through your veins. Frustration isn't what you feel because your kid's grades aren't as high as you want or you didn't get that raise you've been waiting for...Frustration is not being able to do the things you love in life because you feel exhausted and weak from not having an appetite or any energy. It's the feeling of your body failing to do what you want it to do because it is sick. Patience isn't waiting for your Cafe' Grande to be prepared by the new barista...Patience is not losing your temper when your loved one turns down everything you offer for them for comfort, because you know in your heart that maybe nothing you EVER offer can give them the comfort they need or seek. (but you keep trying anyway). Devotion isn't expressed by flowers on your anniversary or going to church on a Sunday...Devotion is sitting with someone while they are in pain and even though you know you can't do anything to help them, you're still there to hold their hand and let them know they're not alone. And cancer has taught me that sometimes you have to hit the lowest point in your life to find out how wonderful your loved ones and true friends are and can be. They are the ones who surprise you with a night out, make you laugh harder than you've laughed in months, call just to ask how you are, and light candles or send prayers for you in hopes that soon everything will be fine.

Friendship

A dear and wonderful friend just wrote about people who come in and out of our lives. She quoted a poem about friendship...Reasons, Seasons and Lifetimes. I spent a last minute night out with a long time friend...one from my elementary school days. And I realized how important it is to spend time with your friends when your life is at a turning point. She told me about a favorite song of hers...not really my style of song (I admit, I'm really not a country gal) but I gave the song a listen and I cried. The main lyric of the song is, "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you." And although the song is about finding your true love, this is the same way I feel about friendships...especially my dearest girlfriends (and a special guy who falls into the category of "girlfriends"). something in this great universe brought us together, into each other's lives. There have been people who have come into my life...some for just a short time like college or previous jobs, but there are others who have been in my life through the happy and blessed times...the sad and toughest times. And the true friends have always been there for me, even when the road of life was at it's crappiest. And yes, some of these friends are far away, cities and states away...and some are just a few blocks away. Some I've known for decades, and some for only a few years. Some I see every week, others only every few years (if we're so lucky). Some I only "see" on-line. But they are all dear to my heart and mean the world to me. I have depended on them for laughs, a shoulder to cry on, words of advice and even words of discouragement. A favorite quote of mine is, "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." I'm proud to say that I have some "real" friends...they are the ones I love and depend on most in the world. Thank you, to all my real friends :)

Parenting

As I sat in the waiting room for hours at the hospital today, I got to observe different parenting skills and was amazed at the array of styles/techniques. I was sitting next to a family who had a young female getting reconstructive surgery on her jaw. She was apparently having her mouth wired shut for several weeks while the bones healed. The father of the young lady was joking around with his son-in-law, "I guess it's gonna be a quiet few months for luck you, huh?" to which the son-in-law responded, "Yeah...and maybe she'll lose a few while her mounth is wired shut!" It made me chuckle as I thought of what a wonderful, sick and twisted family this was. If my dad were still alive, would he be cracking jokes at my expense to my husband? Maybe....Probably...Most definately! Then I observed 2 young boys running around like they owned the place. A nurse kindly asked them to quiet down and stop running. The boys looked at her and said, "No. You're not my mom. I don't have to listen to you." I was shocked...the parents just sat there, focused on their cell phone and iPad, oblivious to the rest of the world. Never would I have thought to talk back to an adult in that manner when I was young. I saw one little girl, about 6 years old playing with a magazine. The girl ripped a page and defiantly smiled at her mom. All the mother had to do was say, "Alissa, NO." The girl stopped and sat quietly next to her mom for the next hour until they were called in. When I was the girls age, all it took was a certain tone from my mom or a slight look from my dad and I knew to stop. I enjoy people watching and love to see the interactions of family members. You can make assumptions of what's going on in their lives, but you can always tell which parents are truly doing a great job in handling their kids, whether it involves a pat on the butt or an actual conversation with the child. I don't believe in the time outs, the counting from 1, 2, 3...actions have to be caught during the process and the child needs to understand right from wrong before they are punished for something. Recently I was out with my mom and we were both appalled at how children were behaving at a restaurant. I told my mom, "It's a good thing Mark and I don't have kids because I've found I have very little tolerance for that kind of behaviour." My mom looked at me, smiled and said, "Well, YOUR kids wouldn't dare behave like THAT." It made me smile...my mom and dad did a great job raising us. We very rarely were spanked, because we knew better than to push the limits and we knew there was a possibility of being spanked! I admire my friends and anyone who is raising a kid or kids. It's not easy, no one teaches you how to do it and it's a never ending job. Do I hope to one day become a parent? I think yes, but only time will tell if that happens. For now, I love kids but mostly because they're not mine!

Playtime

Today was a good day...I know there will be less of them in the near future, as Mark and I approach chemo treatments, round two. We "took the day off" and headed over to the Santa Anita mall to Dave and Buster's. Treated ourselves to Hawaiian bread sliders, sweet potato fries and chicken Caesar salad...plus game tokens. We played our favorite games, cashed in over 6000 tickets and walked the mall a bit for a little shopping. This is probably the most fun we've had in a while. Not that we "forgot" how to have fun, but it's been a struggle to find the lighter side of things the last month or so. And it was just what we both needed to re-energize and get ready for what will be a tough few months. We start off this Friday with the implant of a port for chemo treatments, which start next week. And of course the timing is just after our insurance rates went up and we get to pay 2 1/2 what our hospitalization and office visit co-pays used to be...Murphy's law at work. But we are both hopeful things will go smoothly and we can get the results the doctors need so we can tackle this disease. And finding playtime today was an important stress relief...to just forget our troubles for a brief moment and remember what it's like to be free of worries and full of hope. It was a little 4 hour vacation from the "real world". I suggest everyone take one once in a while. Life is full of joy and fun if you go out and look for them. Don't forget to get out there and play! :)

Getaway

I just got back from a last minute/spur of the moment get away to the Bay. It was so lovely, the weather was cool and foggy...just what I needed to clear my mind and refocus. And although I always have my worries at the back of my mind, the best medicine for a stressed mind and soul is physically removing yourself from your day to day environment and focusing on yourself...be it a few hours or several days. I made an escape to friends (who thankfully were willing and able to host me at last moments notice) and fed my tummy wonderful Thai, Italian, Mexican home cooking and sushi galore, tasty homemade margaritas and glasses of wine. I fed my senses by going out movie watching (including The Change Up which is hilarious by the way and a few older favorites on the teley) AND fed my imagination by going to a little fetish store and browsing...there are things out there for sale that I have no idea what or how they are used! But the best part was feeding my soul...spending a couple hours alone just being at peace in the world...no internet, no tv, no errands to run, meals to cook, no doctor appointments, no cat thumping my head while I try to sleep because she wants treats...it was bliss. And I learned that I am a strong woman...I can fight the battles that life throws my way. I may not win them all, but I can fight them. I learned that it's not about how you look on the outside, but how you feel on the inside that people will see (and love). And something a wonderful instructor/friend taught me a long time ago has been "re-learned" in recent months..."You cannot always change the things and people around you, but you CAN change how YOU react and deal with them."

Ecotherapy

To anyone who is looking for an outlet for stress relief, might I suggest planting/gardening? Doesn't have to be anything big, just something to watch develop, grow and care for. My mom and grandfather started us off when we were young, planting flowers every year and veggie seeds. It was a thrill as kids to pick carrots out of the ground. I remember getting yelled out for partially pulling one out that wasn't quite ready and trying to stuff it back in the ground. Grandpa would find a wilted carrot top hours later and lecture me on patience and letting things be until they're ready. A valuable life lesson indeed! And I loved picking flowers for my mom or to set at the altar of my deceased grandfather who I never knew. It was a special bonding experience. Just a few moments a day it might take to water your "crop" will provide an escape without leaving your yard. I love turning on the iPod to some great tunes (lately it's been Adele, One eskimO and some classic Guns and Roses) and wandering around the yard to see what's ripened, grown or in some cases began to die. There is a sense of great accomplishment when I set food out on the table that includes homegrown vegetables, herbs or fruit. If we had the space, I would love to have chickens for fresh daily eggs. So, whether it is a cactus, roses, veggies, fruit or decorative vine, get out there and grow something. It's well worth the time and effort :)

Life lessons.

There are so many things to learn about life. Right now I'm learning to have patience....with my self, my loved ones and just life in general. I am dealing with the diagnosis of my spouse's recurrent cancer. It has not been good for me the last few weeks. A wonderful evening out to dinner was dramatically cut short by a phone call from the doctor. And although I like to think I've prepared myself for the worst, seeing images on a computer screen and having "cancer" pointed out by a doctor on those images really makes things hit home. It's been the roughest 2 years of my life, but I know I've grown from the entire experience. I'm learning how short life really is, whether you live to be 20 or 100. And you really have to make the most of it, as much as you can. If that means having that second glass of wine, the extra large scoop of ice cream or french fries, spending an extra hour out shopping to find peace of mind....you gotta be selfish sometimes and do what you need to do to cope with life. At the same time, I'm learning to deal with a 97 year old grandmother who isn't the angel people seem to think she is. Bitterness is hard to swallow, but apparently it is easy to spit at others :( I have learned that it is so true that you cannot "teach an old dog new tricks". It is so true with people too. I have found peace in my heart that life throws things at you for a reason...if my dad hadn't died when I was young, I never would have found my passion for helping people in the funeral business OR met my husband in the field. If I hadn't been laid off from work years ago, I never would have discovered how strong I can be and adapt to new surroundings. And with the diagnosis of cancer so close to me? I am learning a little everyday about love, devotion and compassion.