All I want for Christmas

There is a lovely post floating around on Facebook reminding people that amidst the festive celebrations of the holidays, to take a moment to remember there are those who are not so happy this time of year....those who are less fortunate, grieving losses, or maybe have to be alone for the holidays. I will admit, I was not looking forward to the holiday season this year. They can be quite lonesome and depressing. I was happy to be on a date for Halloween, but disappointed when there was no follow up. I skipped the annual placing of poinsettia plants on the graves this year, leaving the duty to mom. I honestly wasn't in the mood to see all the names of loved ones carved in granite on the ground. Cemeteries really aren't my thing...at least not for paying respects to those long gone. I prefer to remember loved ones daily, in my heart...where flowers aren't necessary. Like every time I see a pretty piece of jewelry or handbag, I think of Auntie Hiroko. Or hear a motorcycle engine, I think of Mark. And when I hear a funny joke, I think of my pop. And every loss is a great one....whether it be a parent, spouse, child or friend. There is a deep connection that is suddenly cut off in your life. And it takes time to heal...longer for some than others. Love and support help, but I truly believe the person has to be ready to heal and move on. I have been fortunate to spend some quality time with friends in recent weeks...even having the joy of extended phone calls, texts and on-line chats with distant friends. And I have been blessed with meeting someone special and spending time getting to know him. I am learning to be happy and allow love in my life again. I am once again excited to celebrate the holidays with someone I care about...to share laughs, smiles and kisses. Although we won't be together on Christmas day, the spirit of the holiday is what matters most. My wish for Christmas is for everyone reading this to reach out to someone who might not be in a place to feel that love, excitement and joy the rest of us are blessed enough to have. Maybe a relative who would appreciate a visit. Or a friend who might need a quick chat and cup of coffee with someone. Or even a stranger on the streets who could use a jacket or blanket with colder weather in the forecast. It might even be your spouse or kid, who got yelled at for something silly...hugs and smiles go a long way this time of year.

42..

So...I'm 42. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about turning a year older...climbing higher into the 40s. But, I am fine with it. I must admit, I do not feel 42. I'm told I do not look 42 either. I was spoiled with many celebrations with many friends and loved ones, starting with an intimate dinner with my second family (with surprise cake and balloons), a gorgeous day out at the Getty Museum (including a picnic lunch), a fabulous dinner out to Roy's in Downtown L.A., a casual gathering at my dear friends' house (with roses and another surprise cake...this time ice cream cake), brunch with my gal pals, belated celebration lunch with mom, and I got to see my best friend several times during a brief visit from San Francisco. Not to mention multiple phone calls, cards, Facebook messages and well wishes from all over. I feel blessed and so loved to have so much to be thankful for in my life. It has been a most challenging year for me in many ways, but it has also been a year filled with new beginnings, self discovery, growth and change for the better. I do not remember the last time I felt so little stress in my life. I find myself smiling and laughing every day, which has taken a long time to get to. I appreciate each moment I spend with a friend or loved one. I find joy in the little things in life...like a sweet smelling rose, a perfectly ripened strawberry, a silly moment with the canine kids, or a gentle kiss from that someone I care so much about. Life has given me more than my share of lessons, heartaches and losses. I feel like I've experienced more in 10 years than most people do in their entire lifetime. But each event has made me stronger, more understanding, more loving and especially more appreciative of every thing and person I have in my life. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, old and new. I inherited my mom's zest for life, generosity, creativity and compassion. I inherited my dad's sense of humor, common sense, technical skills (some), and passion for cooking and helping others. My grandparents blessed me with financial intelligence, a house to call my home, gardening skills and proof that love can endure the test of time. My wonderful friends have given me the irreplaceable gift of love and support through thick and thin, not letting distances or life events make a dent in the bond we have with one another. They all give me something unique as individuals, but together...they make my life complete. And love has come back into my life, in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have been fortunate to make connections with different individuals who have made me learn to appreciate and love myself, see beauty when I look in the mirror, and allow myself to feel worthy of happiness and love again. And although I did not meet them the traditional way of meeting people, I feel blessed to have made some very special friends. And I'll admit, some of these connections were brief friendships, but I have learned to believe people come into our lives for some purpose, whether it is for a day, a week or a lifetime. Each person I've met has made some impact on my life...maybe not in an grand, significant way, but there are always lessons to be learned. I think back to the days of childhood...when you made special wishes for the things you want for your birthday...a new doll, a bike, a video game or roller skates. And now, I think of the new list of things I want...good health, friends and family, love and passion, and an appreciation for life and the freedom/time to enjoy it. I am blessed to have all these things.

Thinking of you, Mark...

This past week has been a tough one for me...I had to deal with news of someone I trusted betraying me, talked a dear friend through a meltdown, learned a new friend's shyness is a possible obstacle of becoming more than friends, and I've been thinking a lot about Mark. It's been almost 7 months...and while I have continued on with life (I don't like to say "moved on"), I have the difficult days that seem to sometimes hit me like a train when I'm least expecting it. Sunday mom and I had participated in a craft boutique at a friend's church. It was a nice day out, socializing and experiences crafts and food of my culture...something I do not do quite often enough. After a long day, I came home with a loaded truck but decided to take a much needed nap. So I parked the truck on the driveway, locked the gate and let the dogs loose in the yard. While I had the truck cab doors open, Buster decided he wanted to try to go for a ride. As soon as he jumped in the driver's side, he immediately perked his ears, started sniffing and his tail was going a mile a minute. He bounced around on the seats, sniffing everywhere...it dawned on me...he smelled Mark...it was the first time he had been in the truck since Mark passed. Buster sat on the passenger seat, looked at me with a tilted head as if to ask, "Is daddy here? Where is he?" It just about broke my heart. I'm tearing up now just thinking about this little, too smart for his own good dog wondering where his other master was after all this time. It's amazing how much they can be like humans in the expressions they show with just their eyes. The strangest things happened over the next few days. On Monday I kept catching a strange bright light out of the corner of my eye...it happened in what used to be our bedroom once and what was Mark's "man cave" several times...that is the room he passed away in. On Tuesday, when I woke up and walked through the same room to get to the bathroom, I felt a cold spot in the middle of the room...unexplainable. It gave me the chills, although it was not a cold morning. And then while sitting in the living room watching TV, there was a strong sulfur odor...it came and went several times. I couldn't find anything that would cause the smell. So a part of me thought maybe Mark was here? Trying to make his presence known? Or maybe he is trying to let me know he is alright and is watching over me, when I felt like I needed it most? I'm not sure. What freaked me out initially is now having a calming effect on me. I have had the pleasure of making an acquaintance who has become a dear friend recently. He reminds me a lot of Mark...his tastes in music, movies, technology, etc. He has very similar physical traits and quirks about him that remind me of Mark. Without knowing anything about Mark, my dear friend told me today, "Your husband was very lucky to have you in his life. He must have been a truly great person...because I know you are a good person, loving, caring and just good. And it says a lot about who we marry and love...so he must have been a very loving, caring and good person. I'm so sorry you lost him at such a young age." Of course, this made me want to break down and cry. It meant so much to me for someone who never knew Mark to feel this way about him...because it is so spot on true. And this is what it made me realize...I was lucky to find love once and to have the opportunity to say goodbye to him when we knew he was dying. It is a privilege very few people have. The love you feel for someone never goes away, even when they are no longer with us. However one believes things go when we die...if we go to a beautiful place called heaven, are reborn into someone new, or just float around as a free spirit...it doesn't matter. What matters is you let your heart and soul heal when that person leaves, but the love stays in you forever. And yes, you can let yourself love again because why would you not want that feeling to continue in your present just because a part of you has passed? So, Mark...my dear Mark...wherever it is you are, I miss you as I'm sure everyone does. I love you and I thank you for giving me love and strength. Thinking of you, always.

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Fall is upon us and it is the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween, cooler weather, boots, shawls, sweaters, extra blankets, chili in sourdough bread bowls, Christmas craft boutiques and snuggles. I love this time of year because it always brings fond memories of the happiest moments of my past. The cooler weather means it is time to bring out a "new" wardrobe...Time to dust off the boots, long skirts, leggings, sweaters and shawls. I love layering and it is almost cold enough here in spoiled Los Angeles to wear them out. I get to show off the crochet scarves and shawls I've made over the years and possibly make some new ones. And cooler weather also means warmer foods...I love chili/chowder and stews! Time for new recipes, which have included potato leek soup and corn chowder. Crock pots are perfect for them...and the new kitchen has been a wonderful blessing...I've fed many friends and family members over the last month and half. I've loved every minute of it too! This is the time of year to spend with loved ones and share in the season of fun, thanks, sharing and love. I am hoping to get some baking down this season as well, persimmon cookies, the always necessary oatmeal chocolate chip and maybe some zucchini bread. It is also my favorite time of year because mom and I get to participate in craft boutiques and sell our creations. We have already participated in one, have one coming up this weekend, will hold one at my house soon and another two at our gym Curves. It is fun and flattering to share something I've made with an appreciative customer. And making extra spending money for the holiday season is always a good thing. This year mom is specializing in paper folded flowers, holiday ornaments and jewelry. I've crocheted ruffle scarves, made holiday ornaments and wine glass lanterns. It has been nice to spend quality time with mom at the boutiques, shopping for crafting supplies and enjoying time together. She has said many times in the recent weeks, "I am so happy with my life right now." I agree completely. Halloween dress up favorites from the past include The Evil Queen/Witch from Snow White, Day of the Dead Senorita, Transylvania Prom Queen, Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, Zombie Bride, and most recently Wonder Woman. For the first time in many years, I dressed up and spent Halloween out on a date...a lovely night out with a new friend. Andy, or Ogre as he is known, took me to see the black and white classic silent film Phantom of the Opera at the Disney Music Hall. It was fabulous! The grand pipe organ played music throughout the movie to add drama and romance. It was my first time seeing the movie and visiting the concert hall. It was more exciting for my date to see the thrill and excitement of everything being new to me than it was for him to see the actually movie. It was a memorable night which will hopefully be followed by many more with my new friend. Life is good and I only see things getting better.

All a girl wants...

I've been told many times in recent weeks that I need to write a book about my on-line dating adventures...the good, the bad and the ugly....we'll start with an entry to my blog ;) To say the least, it has been an adventure. I have been lied to, asked for money and iTunes account information, sent fake photos (thank goodness for reverse Google image search), sent photos of naughty parts, and solicited for sex many times from various parts of the country and world! On a good note, I have made a few friends that I have met in person, who will hopefully remain friends in my life. I've been contacted by every age, nationality and type you can think of. From 20 years old to 82...The younger ones seem to want just a bed buddy, asking for nudie pics within the first 5 minutes of chatting on-line. They are super eager to show you what they have to offer, so to speak. And the older ones just want a nurse to take care of them and their "needs". They claim to be "financially secure and physically able". It's disturbing what people think they can buy with money. So in my search for romance, I have been disappointed and deceived. So I wonder to myself, where are the truly great guys? The ones who like a woman for what she has to offer in personality, not physical features. The ones who respect a woman enough to get to know them before even thinking about sex. The ones who are romantic and want a future with someone...a real relationship, not just a quick meet up and roll in the sack. The ones who don't care if I have money in the bank or if I'm broke. The ones who know how to treat a woman and are willing to develop a friendship and true relationship. The ones who can handle some "junk in the trunk" :) Where are you? A favorite quote of mine is from Marilyn Monroe..."All a girl wants is for one man to prove to her they are not all the same." I was told by a friend that I'll have to kiss a lot of toads before I find my prince...It's getting tiring and frustrating kissing the toads....talking to the toads, weeding through the toads, having to Google the toads to figure out if the toads are even real...yuck. Is it really too much for a woman to expect to find someone who is respectful, fun, honest, hard working, passionate with a sense of humor? Someone who can carry on a conversation about most topics, make me laugh everyday, appreciate the things I do and look at me with loving eyes? I don't think so. I was told I am brave for continuing my search...which reminds me of another quote I love..."Sometimes you have to go out and look for Prince Charming because the poor fool might be lost." So, yes...I will continue to search. I'm smarter now and the experience has taught me a lot about trust and deception. But is has also been fun and entertaining. I know you're out there, Mr. Right...I just need to find you! :)

New Life

And so it begins, a new era of my life...my kitchen remodel is near complete. It has turned out beautifully and I cannot wait to start having people over. I have brand new laminate flooring in the entire kitchen, dining/living room and hallways. The entire house now has new copper pipes in and a tankless water heater...the difference is incredible! The water feels softer and cleaner, plus it heats up in a jiffy! New insulation in the attic has kept the house cooler on the hot August and September days we've had lately. My kitchen is equipped with a new 6 1/2'x4' island complete with storage cabinets, drawers, extended counter for barstools and stove top. I purchased a beautiful stainless steel and glass hood to go along with it. My black LG refrigerator and wall oven are in place, surrounded by cabinets and drawers to match my new granite sink counter and cabinets. The worker's oopsy of dropping the first piece of granite resulted in me getting a new bartop and laundry nook sink surround for installation only charges...couldn't let that beautiful granite go to waste! Altough everything ended up costing more than my original plan, it is all worth it when I see how beautfiul and spacious my kitchen/living room is. I've done a little bit of hosting to my mom and a few friends, but cannot wait for a huge get together! The doggies are happy to be able to be in the front part of the house again too. I have been trying my best to be healthier by going on hikes with my friend and eating cleaner. I've managed to drop a pant size and feel better about myself. I guess it shows because I've had a lot of compliments on photos and have been getting attention from the male of the species lately ;) One of the biggest ego boosts is having someone young enough to be my son ask if I want to go out with him...weird. I've become somewhat addicted to roasted veggies for dinner...usually going without meat or starch for a few days a week. My passion of cooking has been reserved since I didn't have access to my kitchen for over a month. I've made up for it the past couple days roasting a mixture of corn, green beans, carrots and brocolli. Tomorrow night I am having mom and a friend over for some pasta a scampi. Can't wait to get back in the swing of cooking again! With all the counter space and cabinet space...it's time to go shopping for new cooking supplies too!!

Renovataions

So, I am into week two of my home renovation...full kitchen remodel including demolition of a wall that separated the kitchen from the hall and dining room/living room. We are also tackling replacement of old galvanized pipes to copper throughout the house, replacing vintage, toxic insulation, replacing the monster old water heater with a tank-less one and all the other details in between. I will be getting new cabinets, pantries, laundry area, sink, cook top, granite counters and ceramic floor....recessed lighting...the whole shebang. I am so excited. Although it has become a much larger project than originally anticipated, it will be well worth the money, wait and effort. I have a great contractor (after a nightmare first few days with another guy) and his crew is awesome...

In addition to the kitchen renovation, I am also doing a life renovation. I have been taking the time to appreciate the life I currently have, rather than dwell on what I had or should've had. It's been great. I've been trying new things like a 3 mile hike once a week. Started walking and jogging on the treadmill...not every day, but most days. Been trying new foods and exploring my interest in wine. My garden will soon be getting transformed by taking out some trees and shrubs, and replacing them with more color and beauty. My friend Alberto helped me out by building a chain link dog kennel for Buster and Saydee so I can now leave them at home for extended time without having to worry.  I have booked two craft shows for the holiday season, so far. I am hoping for more so I can devote time to crafts, as soon as I unbury the craft room from all the kitchen "stuff".

I had the wonderful joy and pleasure of going up to San Francisco for my best friend's wedding. It was absolutely lovely. Everything about that day was perfection. We cooked, ate, drank, ate, drank...a true life celebration with people I love and adore. I got to attend the reception of another dear friend's wedding the following night...busy, busy, but so worth it!! Just to spend time with wonderful friends and my second families made me so happy and appreciative of being able to travel and celebrate life.

I have made a new wonderful friend who is teaching me to accept myself the way I am, for who I am and has helped me build my self confidence to a higher level. It is refreshing to have someone in my life that I haven't known for years...it is a fresh, new friendship, which is what I need right now. Getting to know someone is the best part of any relationship, friendship or romance. It gives you an opportunity to get to know yourself through someone else's eyes...parts of you that you may have forgotten about or misjudged over time. It is like a reboot for the soul.

Letting Go

Sorry if this is repeating what you might have read on Facebook....I was browsing Pinterest, as usual, and came across an amazing quote. I felt like the person who wrote it got into my head and heart and put my thoughts into words.

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear. It's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It's having an open mind and... confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It's learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's all about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon have again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It's realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path to set you free."

So, I sit here at the computer (wiping away the tears) as I contemplate what these words mean to me and how they make me feel. I have made many changes since Mark passed...the house is different. It is more "me" now, my little touches are in each room. Some of the pictures that were taken down for the memorial service were never put back up on the walls. Most of his things have been gone through and given to those I felt would appreciate them and make good use of them. But there are so many things around that will always remind everyone who enters my home of him. The patio shows his handy work, as does the yard. I had a contractor come by today to help redesign the kitchen. I asked him not to touch the laundry area sink because it is one of the first projects Mark completed when we moved into this house. His urn and the memorial lamp with dried flowers from his service are lovingly placed in what was once our bedroom. So, although I am going on with my life I have not forgotten the wonderful life we did share, but I have began to let go. And I have realized that letting to is not about forgetting. It's about accepting what is and was, and allowing yourself to grow and move on. And the words contained in the above quote truly express how I feel. I have been given the opportunity to pursue love and happiness...and I'm taking it. I have always been protective of my heart and weary of being hurt. But I learned from my life with Mark that even when you do feel safe and loved, life can still hurt your heart with the events it throws at you. And to sit back and let opportunities pass you because you fear that pain and heartache again isn't living. I am choosing to live my life, not be a spectator. I'm putting myself out there and taking the risk of being hurt in hopes that I have found a good man and will have that second chance of love and living a happy life. I will allow him a chance to win my heart and prove himself worthy of the love I have to give. Maybe I am a fool but you never know if you don't take that chance. Mark taught me that life is precious and too short to be safe and cautious all the time. What's the use of having time, material things and feelings if you don't share them all with someone? I will end this with another quote, one of my favorites of all time..."I'd rather have a life of 'Oh wells' than a life of 'What ifs'"

Congratulations, Jenn!

Congratulations, Jenn...you've just encountered your first scam artist on-line! A harsh life lesson was learned today....trust is something that has to be earned, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I was contacted by a "match" on-line. It was innocent enough...a nice looking guy, friendly and seemingly sweet. We chatted. It was nice. I looked him up on Facebook (like I usually do when I encounter someone new). He was there...what a pleasant surprise. I friended him and we proceeded to chat...and chat...and chat. It turned out to be on and off, an all day thing. We even agreed to chat in the morning, time difference and schedules permitting. He said he lived in Kentucky. So, I tell a few close friends...I got the warm hearted, "Oh, I hope this is a good guy and things work out." And, "I'm glad you're meeting people." All I wanted was to make a new friend...I have someone that I think might turn out to be something special. But thank goodness my dear friend, with his protective eyes always watching over me, looked over this guy's profile and said, "It looks fake." Something didn't seem right...so the paranoid Jenn began to worry...What do I do??? Voice of reason said do nothing right now...wait...chat tomorrow and see what happens. Voice of friends said, "Make him send you a picture so you know it's him." Paranoid Jenn, with some benefit of the doubt, decided to message him back on the dating site. Poof! To my horror, the profile was gone. GONE!! Again, I freak out. I try to get some sleep, but can't...worried. So I turn to my trusty old friend Google...thank goodness for Google...I love you, Google. I couldn't live without you, Google. Did I say I love you, Google? I Googled his name...a few hits to Facebook and a dating site...them BAMM!! A hit on "RomanceScam.com"...yes, that is a real website. Apparently, since 2009, some guy in Guyana or Nigeria is targeting dating sites, using a variety of "white boy"names and photos he is stealing from different sites. He gains the trust of ladies, romancing them and swooning them...only to eventually ask for money. And there are ladies dumb enough to send him money...money to help with his rent, hospital bills, tickets so he can come travel to be with them...whatever. So, I immediately went to Facebook, unfriended him, blocked him and reported him. Never did I ever think I would fall prey to something like this...thank goodness it was just my pride that was hurt. But a fair warning to everyone...be weary. I don't want to say "trust no one", but really...be careful. I like to think of myself as a bright person, but I started to get suckered into the whole "niceness" of this person. All I wanted was a new friend...silly me. I have wonderful friends that I am so lucky to have in my life. I've even found a few long lost friends on Facebook. I'm still hopeful that I HAVE found a good guy on-line. We shall see how things progress with him. :) At least I can laugh about it, right?

Thank you, dear friend...

I received a phone call this morning from a dear friend. And they reminded me about so much in life that I've either pushed aside or ignored lately in the midst of all my home removations, on-line chatting and so called "getting on with my life". The main message received is that no one can truly understand what I am and have been going through the last months and years of my life. July is a sucky month...what would have been my 14 anniversay is coming up...we had planned to renew our vows for our lucky 13th...but of course, because of health issues and family obligations, that did not happen. I can still remember our wedding day so clearly. I remember and can still feel all the excitement and joy that whole day held for me. July is also a month filled with life celebrations for so many friends and famly..anniversaries, birthdays. And when you don't have a significant other, well...it sucks. Although this is one of the most difficult phases of my life, it can and should be one of the most exciting and adventurous. And I don't need to be judged by others for what I do or how I act. I hear it in the voices or see it in the eyes when I tell someone I'm meeting people or have met someone online. I don't need you to tell me that "it's too soon" for me to search for companionship and love. They don't know what I'm feeling inside or have been feeling for the last 4 years. I'm experienced in life and love...I know what I want and I should feel free to go out and get it. And I don't need the attention of men out there who think they need to take care of me and protect me from the big scary world out there...And no, if you're married, I won't be your "little something on the side"...I may not be the bravest or smartest gal out there, but what I need is protection from scary guys like you!! And no, I don't need a man...I want a man...I want to share my life with someone. I'm not looking for a husband, a replacement for Mark. I'm looking for a friend who shares my interests and passions that can eventually become my companion. My dear friend reminded me I have been the one to experience so many of life's events first...I was the first to lose a parent...I was one of the first to get married...first and maybe only to struggle with fertility issues and disappointments...the first to get laid off from work..and now the first to lose a spouse to death, in addition to many other family members and friends. All of these things have made me a stronger person, but they have also made me afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Everyone tells me how they admire my strength and courage...well, deep inside I feel scared and insecure. But what I have decided is that now is my time...my dear friend said, "It's all about you right now. You don't answer to anyone. You do what you need to do." Thank you, my dear dear friend....for understanding me and having the courage to call me out on things and letting me know with a gentle yet stearn voice of reason that I do deserve to be happy. And thank you Mark...for loving me unconditionally and giving me your blessings to look for love again. So, if you are reading this, it is because you are a friend. And yes, I am interested in meeting a nice, decent guy...message me so we can discuss :)

That Feeling When...

I've been doing some major home renovations lately, painting, landscaping, redecorating and general purging and cleansing of the house. I have managed to turn the old "man cave" into a respectable, girl's living space...it's more like a studio apartment. I am quite happy with the results, as it is a reflection of who I am. The half bath has been re-done, the old bedroom is now like a ginormous walk in closet and the guest room is actually ready for guests! All that's left is clearing out the garage to make it my arts and crafts studio, turn the home office into something I haven't decided yet and of course remodeling the kitchen...the biggest project. It's that feeling of accomplishment and pride :)

I've gotten back into a routine of going to the gym with mom...we try for 3 times a week. I've also ventured out on walks with both dogs, which is a challenge at times. I bought a tandem leash, which forces them to work together but also doubles the weight pulling on the leash. My veggie garden is rewarding my hard work with a bounty of a variety of tomatoes, squash, bell pepper, basil, blueberries, raspberries and strawberries. I must admit I have been eating much healthier since Mark has passed, since I actually have time to cook and choose the things I like and not what's convenient or someone else's request. And I am sleeping better at night. It's that feeling of being healthier and happier everyday.

So, my adventures with on-line dating continues...I have met some very interesting fellas, not in person of course. For some reason I get a lot of interest out of Texas, New England and Ohio...must be a lack of Asian ladies in those areas? So this one guy from Texas asked if I would email him. So I agreed...using the new gmail account I created specifically for that reason. After reading my profile and first email, he proceeded to tell me I was the one, God had sent me for him and he deleted his online profile so he could focus 100% on me. It's that feeling of being totally creeped out and glad you didn't give out your phone number!

On the flip side, I also have met a single dad who is new to the area (again, from Texas). We have been emailing and texting for a week wand a half and things are going along fine. He is kind, focused on his career, close with his daughter and makes me smile. I am hoping to meet face to face sometime in the near future, but for now we have both agreed to take things slow, as friends first. It's that feeling of being nervous and excited at the same time getting to know someone in hopes it will lead to something wonderful.

What's your problem??!!

Just recently I decided to create profiles and take a peek around at Match.com and eHarmony. No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend/husband...I’m looking for friendship and am curious about this whole online dating craze. I want to get a feel for what it's like to be out on the market and to see what type of men I attract. I started with the "just browsing" guest memberships...of course until you do a regular paid membership, you cannot communicate with your "matches" or see their profile pictures. So I took the plunge...perhaps it was a mistake. For some reason, the system does not recognize that I specified "within 30 miles of Los Angeles"....some of my matches include San Diego, Oregon, Texas and Alabama. And let me tell you something, talk about culture shock! There are pictures of men on their horses, one looked like it was from the show Duck Dynasty, and another was so blurry, I wasn't sure it was a man or bigfood. What the heck? Do people not understand this is a place where you are putting yourself out there to a potential mate...you are marketing yourself. You should be putting out information to attract the opposite sex. Don't post pictures of yourself with an 80's haircut and try to pull it off as a recent one and then the next one of you has less hair (which is suddenly gray) and there is much more of your body. And don't use the one of you and your ex with her face blurred out. Do you really think the photo of you in the bathroom, shirtless and holding your cell phone up to the mirror is your best shot? No, I don't need to see pictures of your expensive condo in one city and your "paid way too much because I am insecure about my penis size" car. And how about spell check or getting someone who graduated above the 5th grade to check your description of who you are and what you're looking for in a mate? Honestly, let's be real...you are not "athletic build" if you are 60 pounds overweight but played football back 20 years ago in high school. Sheesh. My personal experiences with people I've met online have been mixed. There is a nice guy, who lives local. But he can't spell. Or put a sentence together with punctuation. He wrote to me, "I gots a good job am desent man and will take you to Vegas to see UFC matches." Um, no...I'm good. I don't need to go to Las Vegas with someone I've never met to watch a bunch of sweaty guys beat each other up. He continued with, "Maybe you cooking dinner for us and we have a nice nigt thank you for reading hope to hear back have a good night bye." Hey, Tarzan...go back to school and learn something. Good lord, my editing skills are screaming at me for writing it out that way :( And another gentleman...super nice, sweet, good on paper, but lives out of state...way over on the east coast. I told him after he initially emailed me I was not interested in long distance. He asked if we could be friends, so I said fine. We decided to text one another. Things were going great, friendly getting to know you type stuff. Then the bomb. He asked what I was doing this weekend. I told him I was going to a Brazilian all you can eat restaurant with a friend. He asked, "Will you take me sometime?" I jokingly said, "Sure, if you're ever in Los Angeles." Then the bomb..."I'm willing to relocate for the right woman. So far so good for you. I haven’t had much luck on Match.com, but I did find you." Ugh...What's your problem!!???!!! His next text was, "So, am I everything you're looking for in a man, cutie?" AARRRGGGHHH!!! Really? After 3 brief email exchanges, 2 hours of on again off again texting you're ready to consider moving across the country, uproot your young daughter and now I have a pet name of Cutie??? I tell ya, it's tough out there and these guys don't make it any easier to have faith in meeting some decent, good quality men. Even just for friendship! And men think women are psycho? I'm sure this is the first of many blogs about my new adventures. Can't wait til I start dating again! That's going to be super fun and entertaining ;)

I miss him...

So, the service was a week ago...he's been gone just over 3 weeks....I miss him. I miss the sounds in the house of another person being here. Little things like a door opening and closing, dishes being placed on a counter or in the sink. The wrapper of a candy crinkling. His cough. His laugh. His voice. I just miss him. It's amazing how much we don't realize one person impacts our life until they are no longer there. And the dogs miss him...Buster is more clingy to me than ever. And Saydee is venting her frustrations out on Buster. I've had to do the dreaded phone calling, faxing and letter writing to let companies such as the banks, credit cards, cell provider, etc. know he is gone. It's tough. The weirdest part of it all is being away from the house and not having the feeling of needing to get home...whether it be to make lunch for him, get him to an appointment or just to be with him. I find myself liking to be away from home more and more. And I know it's a coping mechanism...but I also love to be home where I can sometimes feel his spirit around, like he's watching over me. It seems like I notice more and more butterflies and hummingbirds in the yard lately. Yet another reminder that he is around. Or when I turn on the tv and his favorite movie or show is on...or the radio plays a song that reminds me of him. There are days I think I cannot go on without him but I remind myself how lucky we were to have what we had and it gives me strength to move on and live life. Because that's what he wanted for me. And in these times of sadness, loneliness and darkness, I have learned who my friends are...who has love in their hearts for me. My very best friend, who put his heart and soul into expressing words that made Mark's tribute a wonderful and beautiful thing. My dear mom, who stayed up so many nights to make sure I was okay. My gals, who came by with food and made sure I was eating and taking care of myself...and made sure I laughed and knew I was loved and will never be alone. My special male honorary "girlfriend", who brought over food, took care of my yard and fed the masses even when he couldn't join in. The mother and son team, who helped me plan Mark's tribute and prepared gorgeous flowers to bring sunshine and cheer to his special day. My cousin, who lovingly polished and cleaned Mark's bike to make it look its best at the service. My uncle, who was a most gracious host for the family dinner. Wonderful food and entertainment. The neighbors who have stopped by to ask if I need anything and have brought food, flowers and companionship as if we were family. I don't know how I could have gotten through these days/weeks without them all, not forgetting to note the many other friends who have come by to visit, brought flowers, food, booze and sent cards, letters and just in general have made me feel loved. I don't feel alone, nor will I ever with people like that in my life. And although a huge part of my life is gone, there is no void in my life because I have so much that remains. I love you all. I miss him, but you've all made it easier.

Goodbye.

It has been just over a week since the love of my love passed away. And soon it will be time to say goodbye, ceremonially. A few weeks before Mark came home to be on hospice care, we did a lot of heart to heart conversing and I feel that we said our goodbyes then. He told me he had no regrets about the life we had together. Even the bad times. He gave me instructions on how to disperse some of his belongings. He even gave me his blessings to move on with my life and find love again when I am ready. What a blessing that was, a truly unselfish act that proved to me his unconditional love. We spent time talking about the wonderful trips we had taken, Vegas, San Diego, Santa Cruz, North Carolina, Connecticut and little day trips in and around LA.. We talked about the difficult times...being laid off from work, going on disability, not being able to have kids and struggling financially. And of course we talked about what we were currently going through...the battle of his life...Cancer. Such an ugly word. We talked about his wishes to not be in the hospital any longer, hooked up to machines, having blood drawn every hour. We talked about facing death...he told me he had no fear. With a lifetime of health issues, he had learned to face death without fear. Such a brave, warrior. And we talked about the afterlife. I made him promise to one day send me a sign...something only I would recognize, so I knew he was okay. I'm still waiting, but I know it'll come. On the night before he passed, he woke me up to tell me he was having trouble breathing...we were using a baby monitor so he could call out to me. When I came to his bedside, he was struggling for breath. He said he wasn't in pain, wasn't scared and that he loved me. I told him this was the moment we had to decide what the next move was...If I called 911, they would hook him up to machines, take him to the hospital and he would be there probably until his time came. If I called our hospice nurse, we would keep him at home as comfortable as possible until his time came. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I don't want to go. No more. I want to be here." So there it was. A simple answer and request. And that is what I did. My last action of love and respect. I rubbed his chest, held his hand and told him I loved him. I told him not to be scared and that I would be fine. I reminded him of everyone who loved him and that it was okay for him to go when he was ready. He slowly drifted off to sleep, semi coherent. By the time our nurse showed up, he was breathing heavily with a rapid heart beat. He was in and out of being coherent. Within an hour, he was no longer coherent. The nurse said it could be a matter of hours or days, depending how long he decided to fight. I stayed up with him all night...talking to him, even though he didn't respond back. I kept telling him I loved him and that everything was going to be okay. And at 9:40 the next morning, as I stood by his side, rubbing his chest and holding his hand, he took his last breaths and I watched his heart beat for the last time. He gave me the gift of letting me take care of him right til the end. I am grateful for the peace he had in his eyes and on his face. Our last goodbye was serene and filled with love and peace. If ever there was a perfect way to go, surrounded by friends, loved ones and having had numerous visitors the days and weeks prior, this was it. Mark knew he was loved and was able to tell the ones he cared for that he loved them. He was even able to pet our devoted dogs and cat that last day he was with us. And because I feel so much peace in my heart, I am able to tell people I am fine when they ask how I am doing. I am happy for Mark to be out of pain and at peace. I am happy we had the last few months to speak so openly to one another and tell one another what our hearts felt. And I am happy because I know that we will see each other again some day, which makes saying goodbye a little easier.

How lucky am I?

I recently came across a quote from a silly old bear..."How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -- Winnie The Pooh. This simple grouping of words have taken on a wonderful, special meaning as a new chapter in my life has begun. My wonderful husband's 3 1/2 + year battle with cancer is coming to an end. We have come face to face with the reality that all battles are not won and life does in fact come to an end sooner than we sometimes expect or want. Love has been a strength in our marriage, along with laughter, respect and devotion. I have been blessed with almost 14 years of marriage to my best friend. He makes me laugh every day, even when we argue. I have felt loved and adored every day since our first date. The biggest compliment I've had in my life is that I am a wonderful wife. I take pride in the house I've made our home. Together, we have been through so much and our adventure continues into this unknown realm of the end of life. I have done much crying and soul searching these last few weeks. I have watched my husband, my love, my hero slowly give in to accept what life is offering him. He inspires me. Such courage and quiet strength. And as we have had our private conversations about our feelings, wishes and plans, it has brought peace to my heart and soul to know we are blessed to have this opportunity to say everything we need to say. And it has been difficult to say goodbye. Why wouldn't it be? But I have faith that someday we will be together again...in a beautiful place where there is no sadness, pain or disease. Where we are with all of our loved ones, surrounded by beauty and peace. This wonderful faith pulls me through the tough moments and gets me through the long nights of being alone in this home of ours. And rather than dwell on the things we haven't done, like trips we wanted to take, having children or remodeling the house...I focus on the wonderful things we have done, like road trips up the coast, running our own business, rescuing two loving dogs, and most importantly, building a marriage of trust, respect, endurance and most of all love. Every time we say I love you, I say it with all my heart as if it were the last time. Everyone should feel this level of passion and devotion, because we don't know when it may be the last time. And now it is my turn to have strength and courage to be the advocate, nurse, chef, chauffeur, chaplain and most importantly, friend and wife. It is my promise to provide comfort, love and peace as best I am able for all the time we have left together. I love you, Mark.

Repost, because I feel like it...To Sir, with love...

When I was a little girl, I used to dream about who I would grow up to become and who I would marry. I am a lucky girl to have married someone who loves me for who I am....he has never once complained about my struggles with weight. I get a "thank you" every night I fix dinner...even on the nights I serve a sandwich or take out. He knows when I'm quiet I'm usually angry at someone or something. He makes me laugh every single day of my life, even if it's because I'm teasing him. He knows not to bother me when I'm in the bath soaking away my worries of the day. And most importantly, he knows when I call him "Sir", it's to get his attention. Together, Mark and I have faced so many things...both good and bad. What started as a passionate first date turned into a loving marriage of friendship, respect and dedication. I am the first to admit that I have many faults...temperamental, selfish at times, childish, a worry wart, overbearing, a nag, a bitch if you will. BUT he puts up with it all. We have been going through this battle with cancer for 3 1/2 years. It has been tough. I've cried a lot. We both have. There have been too many trips to doctor appointments, invasive procedures and numerous ER visits. Some of the nurses and doctors recognize us when we walk into the ER at Kaiser Sunset. There are many heroes out in the world...soldiers, firemen, policemen, single moms, teachers...but Mark is my hero. He is brave, refusing to give up this battle. He admitted to me he is too stubborn to give up...he's not ready. I hear from friends and family how strong I am for handling everything I've been dealt in life, but he is even stronger for facing so many health obstacles in his lifetime. Together, we have made this house we live in a home. Since my grandmother died, we have put our own personal touches on things and I feel the warmth and love every time I walk in through the doors. So, Mark, as I sit at home alone, with you in the hospital again...I want you to know I'm always thinking positive thoughts filled with love and peace. I don't think I tell you enough how much I admire your strength and courage. I love you. Don't be upset I wrote this ;)

"If you wanted the sky
I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high
To Sir, with love/" --

Time passes on

Time has passed on...it has been too long since I have had a chance to sit down and collect my thoughts. With the holidays, hospital stays, two active puppies and a neglected garden/house, there have been too many other things demanding to come first. Right now, I'm focusing on me for a change. It didn't seem like Christmas without my auntie Hiroko and grandma Grace. It was always so much fun shopping for Hiroko...and everyone always looked forward to grandma's baking (even though she wasn't able to do it as well as she did years before). My mom's house was decorated as Winter Wonderland beautiful as always, but the house just seemed so empty and cold. Even my 2012 birthday was a downer...no celebrations that day since Mark was in the hospital. I actually spent the night with the doggies eating take out food. They seem to be my two dependable loves these days...driving me crazy with their destructive behavior, but always there to make me laugh and smile. I did manage to make some holiday money selling crocheted scarves and handmade paper ornaments...mom and I did a few craft boutiques, which were fun for mother/daughter bonding. The extra money was nice too ;) And crafting always takes my mind off the ugly stuff in life. I don't seem to get around to doing much crafting these days, but I'm vowing to try to make time. As I have also vowed to take better care of my health, my garden and myself in general. I've devoted a specific portion of the yard to roses this year. My favorite variegated lavender/purple survived the neglect in the heat and cold, so I will be sure to take special care of it. I have already been blessed with many blooms already...I've added a few new colors this year and cannot wait to take pictures in the spring. I've downsized the vegetable yard since the dogs are in need of their own space. My plans are for tomatoes, bell peppers, green beans and zucchini. I will also be planing some strawberry baskets, salad greens and herbs and might try blueberries again. I started a food log, in attempts to drop some weight in 2013. Mom and I are continuing to hit the gym...we try for 3 times a week. And I've decided to try to let my hair color grow back to it's true color...even the grays! We'll see how long that lasts...it's been 2 months so far. Things to look forward to are warmer weather for gardening, friends/family from out of town/state visiting soon and puppies that mature some more...mentally and emotionally. Buster has been quite the cry baby for momma lately...it's getting old :(